Village Beacon Record

Cookie the Pom. Photo from Unsplash

By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

Dear Paw Landers,

I’ve never written a letter like this before. Truth be told, I’ve never written a letter of any kind.

But I understand you live far away and that you dispense valuable advice that I could use in my everyday life with the guy and his family.

The guy spends most of his days sitting at this thing typing, so I guess I can do it for an hour or so, which, you know, is more like seven hours for him.

I was thinking of asking you about that rumbling noise that scares me so much when it gets incredibly dark out and when the ground gets wet. Those sounds make me want to find cover somewhere, but no matter where I go, I can still hear it and feel the terrible vibrations. It’s like if a pack of, you know, us were running around the neighborhood, growling so loudly outside the door that we caused the floor to vibrate a second or two after a flash of light.

No, no, I’ll save the questions about those noises for some other letter. This one is about the delicate social business of interacting in the neighborhood.

You see, my guy varies in his social energy and interests. Some days, he speaks with everyone we run into and bends down to pet other dogs.

That doesn’t bother me, the way it did with Fifi last week, when she complained that her owner pets other dogs more readily and happily than she pets Fifi. I’m fine if my guy wants to scratch other dogs behind their ears or rubs their back. Frankly, there are times when I think he needs a hobby to get out all of his scratching, squeezing and high-pitched voice energy that he reserves for me and, once in a while, for small people when they come to the house.

Other times, he barely waves or acknowledges people and their pets. He’s either staring into his phone and talking to himself or he’s making lists out loud and telling himself what he needs to do that day.

When he does stop to chat with neighbors and their companions, he often talks about me while the other human talks about their dog. I’m kind of tired of hearing about how I don’t like to swim, how I’m not that high energy and I don’t fetch.

Everyone doesn’t have to fetch or swim, right? But, then, he also talks about how sensitive I am and how supportive I am whenever anyone is feeling sad in the house. Hey, we all have our strengths, right?

When he’s chatting, sometimes about me and sometimes about the weather, I’m not always sure how long the pause in our walk will go.

I sometimes sit or lay down near him, while other dogs jump or sniff around me. Other times, I’m so happy to see one of my neighbors that she and I try to tie the two leashes into a knot in the shape of a heart. My guy and the neighbor never see it, but it’s so obvious to us.

Every so often, I meet someone intriguing and, you know how it is, right? I have to sniff them, the way they have to sniff me. The question is, how long can I sniff their butts before it becomes socially awkward, either for them or for the humans?

I mean, I can tell when my guy is in an intense conversation about something, when his voice drops or shakes and I want to help him. At the same time, I have this need to sniff.

Clearly, sniffing butts at the wrong time or for too long can become a problem for the guy and the other person.

If we do it too long, their conversation ends and he walks away, muttering and puling on me until we get inside.

So, what’s the ideal, allowable butt sniffing time? And remember that none of us is getting any younger, so, you know, if you could write back soon, it’d help. You can’t see me, but I’m looking up at you with my big brown eyes and wagging my tail. That usually works with the guy.

METRO photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief,
Publisher

Tuesday was National Teacher Appreciation Day, which reminded me of Miss Rigney, who changed my life. 

Miss Rigney was my sixth grade teacher in the perfectly ordinary elementary school I attended. Housed in a cement building, in the midst of a residential area, it served the neighborhood according to the rules for education in mid-century New York City, with two classrooms and two teachers for each grade. I was assigned to 6A. Next door was 6B.

Soon after entering sixth grade, we became aware of the goal for the coming year. We needed to pass the Hunter Test for the honor of the school and our own benefit.

The Hunter Test, we discovered, was a one day affair that, if successfully navigated, would win us admission to Hunter College High School where classes started with seventh grade and ended with graduation from high school. Open to students from each sixth grade in all five boroughs, a handful of us would be eligible, after scoring well on a standardized test in fifth grade, to travel to the school on the appointed day to take the test.

I liked the sound of that because it was the closest junior high school to where I lived. I sympathized with those students who would have to ride from Brooklyn, Queens and even Staten Island.

There were several special schools throughout the city whose admission was via a challenging test: Stuyvesant, Bronx High School of Science and Brooklyn Tech were three. They were also public schools and were run by the Board of Education with the idea of giving some students a head start. 

But Hunter was different. It was initially started in 1869 as a model school in which to train teachers who were matriculating in Hunter College and was administrated by the Board of Higher Education. Its 1200 students in six grades “represent the top one-quarter of one percent of the City” based on the test scores, according to the school. It was composed of all girls for its first 105 years. The student-teacher ratio was 13:1, and its faculty for the most part had advanced degrees.

“Aim of the entire course through which the Normal students pass is not so much to burden the mind with facts as it is to develop intellectual power, cultivate judgment, and enable the graduates to take trained ability into the world with them,” wrote Harper’s Magazine in 1878.

Now we kids didn’t know any of this. I just wanted the shortest commute, and it was impressed on us that Hunter was a good place to be. So we prepared for the test, which was months away, with the coaching of our teachers, four girls from 6B and two from 6A. 

Only Miss Rigney, a trim, freckle-faced redhead with a gentle manner, who seemed old to me, but was maybe 28, stayed after school twice a week and drilled Carol and me with a workbook. When we didn’t do the homework she then gave us, both arithmetic and English, she was uncharacteristically stern with us. It was clear that this was a challenge she wanted us to surmount.

On the day the results of the Test were sent to the school, the principal called the six of us down to her office, along with the teachers, and with a great deal of excitement, opened the envelope and read the results out loud. Carol and I had been admitted; no one had from the other class.

There was screaming and moaning. Miss Rigney smiled, quietly congratulated the two of us and returned to her classroom. I was happy because I thought I should be. I knew my parents would be pleased, but I had no understanding of what had just happened.

I had no idea that my life would be unalterably changed — that I would be attending what was thought to be one of the finest high school in the country, ranked number one by The Wall Street Journal, one of only 225 pupils, with some of the most accomplished teachers for whom teaching was an art, that I would mingle with far more sophisticated students, and because of them, freely explore the City. 

I had a remarkable high school education. When I landed in college, I was immediately offered second year standing because of my AP classes. Miss Rigney knew. 

Rite Aid

By Heidi Sutton

The signs were already there with empty shelves that were never restocked but now it’s official. Rite Aid Pharmacy announced on May 5 that the business will be selling or closing all of its locations in the next few months, including 178 in New York, as it files for Chapter 11 proceedings for the second time in less than two years. The company currently operates 1,245 stores in 15 states, according to its website.

During this process, Rite Aid customers can continue to access pharmacy services and products in stores and online, including prescriptions and immunizations. In connection with the sale process and court-supervised proceedings, the Company is working to facilitate a smooth transfer of customer prescriptions to other pharmacies, according to the press release.

“For more than 60 years, Rite Aid has been a proud provider of pharmacy services and products to our loyal customers. While we have continued to face financial challenges, intensified by the rapidly evolving retail and healthcare landscapes in which we operate, we are encouraged by meaningful interest from a number of potential national and regional strategic acquirors. As we move forward, our key priorities are ensuring uninterrupted pharmacy services for our customers and preserving jobs for as many associates as possible,” said Matt Schroeder, Chief Executive Officer of Rite Aid.

“I will be forever grateful to our thousands of associates for their commitment to Rite Aid and its mission, and I thank our entire team – from store associates to corporate employees – for their dedication to our customers and our company. With their support, we have played a critical role in supporting the healthcare needs of countless Americans across the communities that we are honored to serve,” Schroeder added.

Following the announcement, Rite Aid posted on its website that starting May 6 Rite Aid Rewards points will no longer be issued for qualifying purchases. All accrued points and BonusCash will expire per standard terms & conditions available at riteaid.com/rewards/terms-and-conditions.

The website also said that Rite Aid would no longer honor Rite Aid gift cards or accept any returns or exchanges beginning June 5.

To support Rite Aid during its sale process, which it intends to conduct under section 363 of the U.S. Bankruptcy Code, the Company has secured commitments from certain of its existing lenders to access $1.94 billion in new financing. This financing, along with cash from operations, is expected to provide sufficient funding during the sale and court-supervised process. The Company intends to divest or monetize any assets that are not sold through the court-supervised process. Rite Aid has filed a number of customary motions with the Court seeking authorization to support operations, including continued payment of employee wages and benefits, according to the release.

Currently there are 12 Rite Aids in Suffolk County, including Eastport, Hampton Bays, Huntington, Kings Park, Lindenhurst, Middle Island, Mount Sinai, North Babylon, Selden, Shirley, Southampton, and West Islip. Stores will begin to close or be sold within the next few months.

For a full list of New York Rite Aid locations, click here.

 

Paul O'Connor. Photo by Roger Stoutenburgh/ BNL

By Daniel Dunaief

The Earth is way too noisy.

The far side of the moon, however, can act like enormous noise cancellation headphones, serving as a barrier to the kinds of signals from sources including Earth’s ionosphere, which carries electromagnetic noises from lightning, solar flares, radio signals, among others to look or, perhaps more appropriately, listen deep into the past.

On Wednesday, May 7, at Napper Tandy’s in Smithtown, three Brookhaven National Laboratory scientists will speak with the public about an unnamed mission expected to take off next year. The free event is part of BNL’s PubSci science café series (www.bnl.gov/pubsci/).

Paul O’Connor. Photo by Roger Stoutenburgh/ BNL

Senior Scientist Paul O’Connor, Mechanical Engineer Connie-Rose Deane and Physicist Anže Slosar will discuss a project called LuSEE-Night, which, like so many other efforts at BNL, is an acronym. LuSEE stands for Lunar Surface Electromagnetic Experiment-Night.

The Department of Energy project manager is Sven Hermann at Brookhaven National Laboratory. Slosar is the science lead, while O’Connor coordinated technical and systems aspects of the instrument development.

The scientists collaborated with researchers at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the Department of Energy and included scientists at the University of Minnesota and at the University of California, Berkeley.

The Space Science Laboratory at the University of California, Berkeley is leading the project. BNL is a collaborating member responsible for delivering hardware components of the payload.

LuSEE-Night, which is a radio telescope, is designed to gather information about the Dark Ages of the universe. This time period, from about 380,000 to 400 million years ago after the Big Bang, occurred before the first luminous stars and galaxies. 

Connie-Rose Deane. Photo by David Rahner/ BNL

As the only signals measurable from the Dark Ages, radio waves, recorded through LuSEE-Night provide a chance to learn how the first non-luminous matter evolved into stars and galaxies.

Over the last several years, scientists at the Department of Energy and NASA have shared their excitement about seeing something they had never seen before.

David Rapetti, Senior Researcher with Universities Space Research Association (USRA) at NASA’s Ames Research Center in California’s Silicon Valley, suggested the instrument was a “trailblazer for subsequent potential single telescope experiments for the global signal, also including the Cosmic Down signal at a somewhat higher frequency range.”

Rapetti, who has been with the project since its inception, suggested that this instrument could help with plenty of other science.

“In addition to studies of the sun, planets and exoplanets, the roadmap ahead for low frequency observations from the lunar surface represents a crucial resource to further our understanding of the evolution, content and first luminous objects of the early Universe,” Rapetti explained.

A potential measurement of the global Dark Ages signal could in principle reveal “undiscovered new physics or indeed further validate the current standard model of cosmology,” Rapetti added.

Challenging conditions

When looking for a landing site, the team searched for a flat, level surface that was free of large rocks and craters and that had an unobstructed view of the sky in all directions.

Anže Slosar. Photo by Roger Stoutenburgh/ BNL

They chose the Schrodinger Basin, which is about 250 miles south of the lunar equator at a point “almost exactly opposite the Earth-facing direction,” O’Connor explained. This will keep the telescope as “free as possible from electromagnetic interference from Earth,” he added.

Sending the telescope to the far side of the moon created particular challenges. For starters, the telescope had to endure the forces experienced during launch and landing. Once it was on the moon, it had to tolerate the harsh temperature that could drop as low as minus 280 degrees Fahrenheit, and radiation environment, while staying within the mass and power budgets. The instrument mass is less than 282 pounds.

While the landing site is ideal for minimizing electromagnetic noise, it’s difficult to send the information back to Earth with the moon blocking the communication.

Indeed, the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission, which was led by Commander James Lovell and that orbited the moon without landing, was out of communication for about 25 minutes while it was on the far side of the moon.

To gather data from the telescope, the group is sending a satellite that will orbit the moon, enabling communication that has a 1.3 second time delay in each direction as the signal travels to the moon.

The signal processing chain required a state-of-the-art digital chip that could crunch the data as it comes through small antennas and produces a reduced data set small enough to send back to Earth, explained O’Connor, who worked with a core BNL team of six senior scientists and engineers and about a dozen other engineers, technicians and project staff on a final design that took about 16 months to complete

Additionally, the telescope will only generate solar energy during 14 Earth days a month. During another 14 days, the instrument needs to run without recharging its battery.

To protect the telescope against the harsh, cold environment of the moon, the scientists are wrapping the instrument in many layers of an insulating blanket. The heat from its operation should provide enough energy to prevent damage from the cold.

When the radio telescope launches, the four antennas are coiled into a compact spool the size of a soda can. After landing, the latch is released, allowing the antenna to deploy into self-supporting booms three meters long using their own spring force. At this point, several research and development missions are underway to learn more about the moon in preparation for the Artemis 3 manned mission currently planned for the middle of 2027.

LSST/ Rubin Observatory

O’Connor has also been involved for over two decades with the development of a project called the Large Synoptic Survey Telescope that is now called the Vera C. Rubin Observatory in Cerro Pachón, Chile.

Rubin was an astronomer who provided the first evidence of the existence of dark matter.

The much anticipated activation of this observatory, which will allow researchers to look into billions of galaxies, asteroids and even dark matter, will start producing data in July.

O’Connor, who helped with the film part of the observatory’s camera, suggested that the BNL science team is “most interested in what LSST/ Rubin will tell us about the nature of dark energy and dark matter. This will come from analyzing the camera’s images which, paradoxically, reveal the location of dark matter as it ‘bends’ the light traveling towards us from distant regions in the universe.”

More information about the event on May 7 can be found here.

By Greg Catalano

As temperatures warm, residents flock to public parks and gardens to enjoy the weather. Some take trips to Old Towne Gardens in East Setauket to buy flower and vegetable plants, aiming to take advantage of the frequent April showers. Others bring their families to Heritage Park in Mount Sinai, known for its signature daffodil smiley face mowed into the grass, and fly kites.  

— Photos by Greg Catalano

An aerial view of Stony Brook University

When 11 Stony Brook students’ visas were terminated early this month, a state of uncertainty descended on the school and community. Immigration and Customs Enforcement revoked the students’ records, destabilizing them when they should be learning and growing. Their largest concern, no longer exams and school work, was whether they would be able to stay in the country to finish their education.  Hundreds of international students across the country were notified by their schools that their visas were revoked, and many times without a public reason. 

The school extended resources to help, students and staff gathered in swaths to support the affected students, and local politicians like Assemblywoman Rebecca Kassay (D-NY4) used their resources to help protect and prepare the students for what came next. 

While SEVIS records can be terminated on the basis that the student has a criminal record, the federal government has also revoked records of politically active students, reasoning that they interfered with foreign policy. The revocation of the records does not necessarily mean the next step is deportation; however, it is a step in that direction as the student no longer has the legal records to protect against removal proceedings.

Stony Brook University has over 3,000 international students bringing valuable skills and unique perspectives to the Stony Brook community. Their experiences and perspectives prove valuable to the classroom and the broader community; the breadth of cultures and backgrounds produce well-rounded, empathetic and curious professionals. 

Once it the government became more aggressive with visa terminations, some students across the U.S. began “self-deporting”, saying they no longer felt safe here. Thankfully, none of the 11 students who had their visas revoked left the country. With the support of the school and their classmates, they kept going to classes. They kept learning. 

The visas have been restored and imminent risk of deportation has been abated, but the uncertainty lingers. The federal government reversed itself while under pressure from lawsuits that argued due process was neglected. As ICE hone their criteria and protocols for visa termination, it is unclear whether these students will again be at risk. The school that admitted these students and the local politicians who represent people in the area remain ready to assist these international students as they become a part of the country’s ongoing experiment with democracy.

By Bill Landon

After Shoreham-Wading River boy’s baseball team’s starting pitcher Daniel Laieta drove in Conor Dietz in the opening inning on April 25, Dietz’ bat barked in the bottom of the second inning driving in two runs to give the Wildcats a 3-0 lead over visiting Miller Place. Joe Leo plated Kris Koerner in the bottom of the fourth to make it a four-run game. 

Miller Place threatened in the top of the fifth inning with the bases loaded and two outs ripped the ball to right field where Connor DeMasi robbed the Panthers of a grand slam home run with a diving catch to end the inning. 

Shoreham-Wading River’s Colton Sisler crossed home plate in the bottom of the sixth courtesy of Aiden Reilly’s bat to put the Wildcats out front 5-0.

Miller Place managed two runs in the top off the sixth to avert the shut-out falling to the Wildcats 5-2.

Laieta had three hits and two RBIs for the Wildcats, pitching six-plus innings with zero earned runs in the win. 

— Photos by Bill Landon 

Adrian Gilmore. Photo from Facebook

By Steven Zaitz

Adrian Gilmore, Shoreham-Wading River High School’s girls varsity soccer coach, has died at the age of 42.

Gilmore, who led the team to two Long Island championships and one New York State championship during her 13 years as coach, collapsed at Albert G. Prodell Middle School on April 22, where she was a sixth-grade teacher. Suffolk County Police arrived at the school at 100 Randall Road in Shoreham a few minutes before 3 p.m. and shortly thereafter, a Rocky Point emergency vehicle rushed Gilmore to John T. Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson. Gilmore died two days later – the cause is unknown at this time.

Gerald Poole, superintendent of the Shoreham-Wading River Central School District issued a statement that read: “For 20 years, Adrian Gilmore was not only a dedicated and passionate educator, but an outstanding coach, mentor and source of inspiration to many generations of SWR colleagues, families and students. More than her impressive achievements, Adrian will be remembered as a mentor for other coaches and teachers, a passionate advocate for children and a trusted colleague whose impact reached far beyond school walls. Her legacy lives on in the countless lives that she touched as a teacher, coach and community leader. She will be profoundly missed by all who had the privilege of knowing her.”

Ava Gengler is a senior captain who fought for a state title this year with Gilmore and her Lady Wildcat teammates. Gengler was a varsity player for Gilmore for four years and will attend the University of Miami in the fall. She remembers Gilmore as not just an effective coach of X’s and O’s, but a caring and compassionate leader.

“I’ll never forget my freshman year — I had a panic attack right before one of our biggest games, and instead of focusing on winning, she stayed with me the entire time, making sure I was okay,” Gengler said. “It was in that moment she showed me how much she truly cared about us as people, not just athletes, and how special of a person she was. Her loss is heartbreaking for all of us, but we’re coming together to honor everything she stood for and everything she gave us.”

Gilmore, whose maiden name was Adrian Weger, was a graduate of William Floyd High School, class of 2000, where she was a standout in both soccer and track and field. She went to Concordia College in Westchester County and was a four-year starter for the Concordia soccer team.  In 2006, she became a teacher in the SWR school district and in 2012, she was named the Wildcats girls varsity soccer coach.

She met her husband Timothy Gilmore while at Concordia where he was an outstanding baseball player. The couple married in 2009 and they had three children —  Kayla, 18, a freshman lacrosse player at the University of Maryland;  Cameron, 13, and Colby, 3. A GoFundMe page has been set up to financially assist the devastated family. 

Gilmore’s friend Charisse Jamroz organized the page and on it she says, “Adrian’s life was a beautiful reflection— full of grace, strength, and a deep love for others. She poured her heart into everything she did, whether she was raising her children, nurturing her students, or guiding her athletes.”

The page has raised over $162,000.

Superintendent Poole also said in his statement that the SWR district will be honoring Gilmore, “as we reflect and remember her legacy. In the meantime, please keep Adrian’s family and friends in your thoughts. Together, we will continue to support one another with compassion as we navigate this loss as a school community and school family.”

In addition to coaching the varsity team, Coach Gilmore was involved in local youth lacrosse developmental leagues around the Shoreham area.

 In 2019, the Lady Wildcats won the New York State title by beating upstate Spencerport 2-0 and Gilmore was named as East Regional Coach of the Year. In the spring of 2021, Gilmore’s girls were a perfect 12-0 in the COVID-shortened season and they outscored their opponents by an astounding aggregate of 61-5. The Wildcats have made it to the Long Island Championship game every year for the last three years.

“Having Mrs. Gilmore as both my teacher and soccer coach honestly changed my life,” said Gengler. “She pushed me to be better — not just as a player or student, but as a person. She was tough, but it was the kind of tough that made you stronger. She taught me what it means to be disciplined, to never give up, and to always give my best. At the same time, she had this really compassionate and caring side.”

A viewing for Adrian Gilmore was held on April 30 at Moloney-Sinnicksons Moriches Funeral Home in Center Moriches and a Mass was held on May 1 at 9:30 a.m. at St. John’s the Evangelist Roman Catholic Church in Center Moriches. In addition to her husband and children, she is survived by her parents Cathleen and Gary Weger and her brothers Mathew, Christopher and Joshua. 

If you wish to make a donation, go to https://www.gofundme.com/f/in-her-honor-supporting-a-devoted-mother-teacher-coach 

File photo by Raymond Janis

Problems for the Bess Task Force 

We now have a newly formed BESS Task Force, assembled for the purpose of evaluating the safety risks of proposed lithium-ion battery systems, apparently concentrating on thermal runaway. One issue that should be addressed by the Task Force is the effect of the discharge efficiency of the battery, which may lead to significant heating in the battery systems. One example is the system proposed by New Leaf Energy, which will provide 8.75 MW of power for 4 hours. Based on experience, a typical lithium-ion battery discharge efficiency is 10-15%. To be conservative, let us assume a discharge efficiency of 15%. Thus, if 8.75 MW is delivered to the external loads (or homes) for 4 hours, the internal power dissipated in the BESS is 1.54 MW. The BESS must have a cooling system capable of removing the heat generated by this power, to prevent the internal temperatures of the BESS cells from reaching temperatures capable of causing thermal runaway.

Although the occurrence of thermal runaway is clearly a cause for concern, it appears that the attention of the BESS Task Force will address only peaker applications, which will remain powered primarily by “fossil fuel” plants. But problems that are much more serious, and much more complex, will be encountered when we attempt to achieve an emissions-free economy, possibly by 2050. If we attempt to accomplish this by utilizing only solar arrays and windmills as our source of power, we will inevitably face the possibility of blackouts, subject to the available activity levels of the sun and wind. By drastic increases in the size and complexity of our solar arrays, windmills and BESS installations, the probability of a blackout can be decreased, but not eliminated entirely. Once the BESS Peaker Task Force has completed their analysis and issued their report, perhaps they can redirect their attention to this problem.  

George Altemose 

Setauket

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We welcome your letters, especially those responding to our local coverage, replying to other letter writers’ comments and speaking mainly to local themes. Letters should be no longer than 400 words and may be edited for length, libel, style, good taste and uncivil language. They will also be published on our website. We do not publish anonymous letters. Please include an address and phone number for confirmation. Email letters to: [email protected] or mail them to TBR News Media, P.O. Box 707, Setauket, NY 11733

Pixabay photo

By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

In the best of times, we have the prvilege of living with a lightness of being.

We can anticipate events, opportunities and interactions that we find satisfying or that give us pleasure, like an enjoyable meal, great company, or entertaining or rewarding activities.

In the worst of times, sunlight can seem unbearably harsh to our eyes, the smiles and laughter of other people can feel like they are mocking our misfortune, leaving us isolated, alone and untethered.

Recently, tragedy struck a family we know well, as a member of the family in his 20’s died unexpectedly.

The ripples of that loss spread quickly, affecting everyone who had the privlege of knowing that person far too briefly and who had shared blissful moments without realizing how transient they were. That included siblings who learned of his death while away at college.

The loss had echoes with my own life, as I received a call from my family in my sophomore year. When I returned to my room after studying for a physics midterm, my roommate told me to call home regardless of the time.

My fingers twitched as I dialed the phone. My father had died.

While the memory of the oxygen-sucking reality of that moment has stayed with me decades later, I recognize that my father, who died earlier than the parents of almost all of my friends, lived much longer than this young person who was preparing to graduate from college.

So many moments after that loss and the discomfort it created have stayed with me over the years, even as time has allowed me to focus more on the memories and experiences I had rather than on the agony of what I’d lost.

I remember looking at the happy, worried, excited and normal faces of people in dining halls as I grappled with the reality of a present and future without the possibility of interacting with my father.

Soon after his death, people who knew me or were in the broader circle of friends, gave me “the look.” Some of them said they were so sorry and told me how unfair it all was. Not knowing what to say or how to act, others walked in the other direction or turned around when they saw me. Of course, some of that likely had nothing to do with me, as they might have forgotten a paper they printed out on their desk or realized that it was too cold to walk outside without a heavier jacket.

Even mundane activities seemed to raise questions. Should I shave, should I take a walk or a run, how much did I really care about succeeding on a test, or taking any of the next steps in what felt like an unfamiliar life?

Even the few times I managed to smile in the days after his death, I felt guilty. Was I allowed to be happy so soon after his death?

In those awful first few weeks of pain and numbness, friends who took me to lunch, listened or stayed by my side while I stared out a window provided some measure of comfort and connection.

The shocking relief I felt at meeting someone new, who didn’t know my story and wasn’t still giving me “the look,” was extraordinary.

New people weren’t sorry and didn’t know or see the cloud that rained grief and dumped freezing rain over my head regularly.

Time helped, but so did unexpected moments of escape from the loss, a sense of purpose that came from knowing how my father would have wanted me to live, and an awareness that everyone isn’t living their happily ever after all the time.

Other people are persevering through their challenges, losses, and difficulties. My loss and grief weren’t any less real, but they also weren’t so exclusive or blatanlty unfair.

While I still feel the loss of all the things that would have given my father joy, like meeting my wife or making his grandchildren laugh or  the way he made me smile even when I was marinating in my moody teenager phase, I know that I and so many others, including our family friends, are not alone in living our fractured fairy tales.

The days ahead for the family will undoubtedly include difficulties. People who know them can help by checking in and offering ongoing support. At some point hopefully before too long, they may find themselves smiling. They may realize that they are not forgetting or being disrespectful, but they are allowing themselves to breathe in a moment of sunshine, which they can share, in their own way, with the memory of their loved ones.