Arts & Entertainment

Pixabay photo

By Bob Lipinski

Bob Lipinski

Anderson Valley, an AVA (1983) grape-growing area west of Ukiah and north of Sonoma in Mendocino County, California, continues to garner praise as one of the premier regions for Pinot Noir and is one of California’s coolest climates. The valley is almost 15 miles long, with virtually no flat land and hills ranging from 80 to 1,300 feet in elevation and runs to the northwest parallel to the coast till it opens to the Pacific just south of Mendocino.

In 1851, a settler named Walter Anderson discovered the valley after getting separated from his hunting group, and it was named after him. Commercial wine production did not begin until the 1960s, when Donald Edmeades planted a vineyard to Chardonnay, Gewürztraminer, French Colombard, and Cabernet Sauvignon. The Husch Vineyards, established in 1971, was the first to plant Pinot Noir grapes in the Knoll Vineyard, in Anderson Valley.

Anderson Valley has almost 100 vineyards planted on 2,457 acres. The grapes grown are 69 percent Pinot Noir and 21 percent Chardonnay. Secondary grapes include Gewürztraminer, Pinot Gris, Riesling, Merlot, Sémillon, and Sauvignon Blanc. In addition to Pinot Noir, Anderson Valley produces some of California’s best sparkling wines… Scharffenberger Cellars, Handley Cellars, Navarro Vineyards, and Roederer Estate, to name but a few.

Recently tasted Pinot Noirs are…

2019 Domaine Anderson “Pinot Noir” Anderson Valley, California. (Made with organic grapes) Bouquet of dried herbs, black cherry, plum, and mulberry with flavors of mushrooms, bittersweet chocolate, and hints of smoke, and pomegranate. The aftertaste begs for another glass.

2021 Crosby Roamann Pinot Noir “Fiadh Vineyard” Anderson Valley, California. (Fiadh is an Irish girl’s name meaning “wild” and “untamed” like this small vineyard site.) Aged 18 months in new oak barrels. Ruby color with an earthy bouquet of mushrooms, black olives, leather, and tobacco. Subtle flavors of cola, cinnamon, vanilla, and dark berries with some tannin.

2021 Crosby Roamann Pinot Noir “Annie’s Old Vines” Sonoma Coast, California. (Aged 18 months in used oak barrels) Light cherry colored with a bouquet bursting with red fruit: cherries, cranberries, and strawberries. Flavors of jam, black pepper, black plums, cocoa, and mint with notes of roses and sandalwood. Very smooth finish and long aftertaste. 

2019 Handley Cellars “Pinot Noir,” Anderson Valley, California. Aromas of boysenberry, cherries, and dried fruit with a hint of bay and eucalyptus. Medium-bodied with plums, oak, jam, and some tannin to lose. Vibrant aftertaste with notes of clove and cardamom.

Bob Lipinski is the author of 10 books, including “101: Everything You Need To Know About Whiskey” and “Italian Wine & Cheese Made Simple” (available on Amazon.com). He consults and conducts training seminars on Wine, Spirits, and Food and is available for speaking engagements. He can be reached at www.boblipinski.com OR [email protected].

Simple tests can confirm your kidney's health. METRO photo
Simple tests can confirm your kidney’s health.

By David Dunaief, M.D.

Dr. David Dunaief

Your kidneys perform an array of critical functions that help maintain your body’s systems. They filter waste and fluid from your body and maintain your blood’s health. They also help control your blood pressure, make red blood cells and vitamin D, and control your body’s acid levels.

If your kidney function degrades, it can lead to hypertension or cardiovascular problems and it may require dialysis or a kidney transplant in later stages. For the best outcomes, it’s critical to identify chronic kidney disease (CKD) early and strive to arrest its advance to more serious stages. However, of the estimated 35.5 million U.S. adults who have CKD, as many as 9 in 10 are not even aware they have it (1).

One of the challenges with identifying early-stage CKD is that symptoms are not obvious and can be overlooked. Among them are foamy urine, urinating more or less frequently than usual, itchy or dry skin, fatigue, nausea, appetite loss, and unintended weight loss (2).

Fortunately, there are simple tests, such as a basic metabolic panel and a urinalysis, that will confirm your kidney function. These indices for kidney function include an estimated glomerular filtration rate (eGFR), creatinine level and protein in the urine. eGFR is a calculation and, while the other two indices have varying ranges depending on the laboratory used, a patient with an eGFR of 30 to 59 is considered to have mild disease. The eGFR and the kidney function are inversely related, meaning as eGFR declines, the severity of CKD increases.

What can be done to address early-stage CKD, before complications occur? There are several studies that have evaluated different lifestyle modifications and their impacts on its prevention, treatment and reversal.

What causes the greatest risk to your kidneys?

Among the greatest risks for your kidneys are uncontrolled diseases and medical disorders, such as diabetes and hypertension (1). If you have — or are at risk for — diabetes, be sure to control your blood sugar levels to limit kidney damage. Similarly, if you currently have hypertension, controlling it will put less stress on your kidneys. For these diseases, it’s crucial that you have your kidney function tested at least once a year.

In addition, obesity and smoking have been identified as risk factors and can be managed by making lifestyle changes to reduce your risk.

Can changing your diet help protect your kidneys?

Fruits and vegetables may play a role in helping patients with CKD. In a one-year study with 77 patients, results showed that fruits and vegetables work as well as sodium bicarbonate in improving kidney function by reducing metabolic acidosis levels (3).

What is the significance of metabolic acidosis? It means that body fluids become acidic, and it is associated with CKD. The authors concluded that both sodium bicarbonate and a diet including fruits and vegetables were renoprotective, helping to protect the kidneys from further damage in patients with CKD. Alkali diets are primarily plant-based, although not necessarily vegetarian or vegan. Animal products tend to cause an acidic environment.

In the Nurses’ Health Study, results show that animal fat, red meat and sodium all negatively impact kidney function (4). The risk of protein in the urine, a potential indicator of CKD, increased by 72 percent in those participants who consumed the highest amounts of animal fat compared to the lowest, and by 51 percent in those who ate red meat at least twice a week. With higher amounts of sodium, there was a 52 percent increased risk of having lower eGFR levels.

The most interesting part with sodium was that the difference between higher mean consumption and the lower mean consumption was not that large, 2.4 grams compared to 1.7 grams. In other words, a difference of approximately a quarter-teaspoon of sodium per day was responsible for the decrease in kidney function.

The National Kidney Foundation recommends diets that are higher in fruit and vegetable content and lower in animal protein, including the Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension (DASH) diet and plant-based diets (2). 

In my practice, when CKD patients follow a vegetable-rich, nutrient-dense diet, there are substantial improvements in kidney functioning. For instance, for one patient, his baseline eGFR was 54. After one month of dietary changes, his eGFR improved by 9 points to 63, which is a return to “normal” functioning of the kidney. Note that this is anecdotal, not a study.

When should you have your kidney function tested?

It is important to have your kidney function checked. If your levels are low, you should address the issue through medications and lifestyle modifications to manage and reverse early-stage CKD. If you have common risk factors, such as diabetes, smoking, obesity or high blood pressure, or if you are over 60 years old, talk to your doctor about regular testing. 

Don’t wait until symptoms and complications occur. In my experience, it is much easier to treat and reverse CKD in its earlier stages.

References:

(1) CDC.gov. (2) kidney.org. (3) Clin J Am Soc Nephrol. 2013;8:371-381. (4) Clin J Am Soc Nephrol. 2010; 5:836-843.

Dr. David Dunaief is a speaker, author and local lifestyle medicine physician focusing on the integration of medicine, nutrition, fitness and stress management. For further information, visit www.medicalcompassmd.com or consult your personal physician.

Photo from Lefferts Tide Mill & Preserve

The Lefferts Tide Mill & Preserve is sponsoring a Label Design Contest for photographers and artists!! The winning image of this 18th-century tide mill will be printed on the labels of a custom brew issued by Six Harbors Brewing Company this August, and the winner will be celebrated at a special awards ceremony at the brewery.

The Label Design Contest is open to photographers and artists. We will accept one black-and-white and/or one-color entry. The label specs are 8×4.8125″ with .125″ bleed around. We will accept landscape orientation photos and drawings.  Photos and camera-ready art should be submitted to  Claudia Fortunato-Napolitano, Executive Director, at [email protected] or mailed to Lefferts Mill at P.O. Box 1482, Huntington, NY 11743, by June 30, 2024.  

If you are a photographer or an artist, be creative! It is our mission to restore the eighteenth-century Tide Mill & Dam. As such, a barge is filled with tools in front of the Tide Mill.  Your goal is to capture the essence of the Tide Mill, either with the barge or without.

“The Lefferts Tide Mill is a place where you can capture the essence of the beautiful setting that has been home to the Tide Mill for 231 years,” commented Claudia Fortunato-Napolitano, the Executive Director.

For creative inspiration, take a tour of the mill operated by the Huntington Historical Society, paddle your kayak to the end of Puppy Cove, or visit us at www.leffertstidemill.org .

The Lefferts Tide Mill & Preserve is a not-for-profit organization, established in 2013, with a mission to preserve and protect an 18th century tide mill, located in the Village of Lloyd Harbor, that is the best-preserved tidal grist mill in the United States.  The mill design is based on U.S. Patent No. 3 for an “automatic mill” signed by President George Washington.  The mill pond has flourished into a haven for native and migratory waterfowl, contributing significantly to the region’s biodiversity. 

For more information, contact Claudia Fortunato-Napolitano at [email protected] . 

 

 

ELIJA (Empowering Long Island’s Journey through Autism) officially opened its marketplace at ELIJA Farm, paving the way to employment and a pathway to adulthood for individuals with autism.

The marketplace will be staffed by individuals with autism, that ELIJA hires from funds raised during its Pave the Way to Employment campaign, which will continue through Mother’s Day. This exciting new venture will increase and enrich vocational training beyond current farming operations. Employees will learn how to prepare and store food, develop customer service and learn other skills that will get them ready for future work opportunities and assist them with living independently.

ELIJA Founder and CEO Deb Thivierge led the ribbon cutting, and was joined by ELIJA Board President Joann Scanlon, Suffolk County Executive Ed Romaine, Sheriff Dr. Errol D. Toulon, Jr., New York State Senator Mario Mattera and Assemblyman Steve Stern, Suffolk County Legislators Steve Flotteron, Rebecca Sanin and Tom Donnelly, Huntington Town Clerk Andrew Raia, Highway Superintendent Andre Sorrentino, Huntington Deputy Town Supervisor John McCarron, and Kelly Smith on behalf of the Huntington Township Chamber of Commerce. Also in attendance were representatives from the offices of District Attorney Ray Tierney, Congressmen Nick LaLota and Andrew Garbarino, and Huntington Councilwoman Theresa Mari.

A press conference to recognize and celebrate April as Autism Acceptance, Awareness and Action month, immediately followed, with remarks delivered from Thivierge and her son Jason, a 25-year old with autism that inspired ELIJA, County Executive Romaine, Sheriff Toulon and Legislator Donnelly.

In addition to creating meaningful employment opportunities, ELIJA prides itself on supporting individuals with autism throughout their lifespan and educating persons responsible for their care.

The ELIJA Foundation and ELIJA’s Transitional Programs and Services (TPS) will be hosting an inaugural conference on pathways to independence for individuals with autism, at Hofstra University on Saturday, May 11, 2024 from 8:00am to 5:00pm. A network of experts will connect families for housing and employment initiatives, and talk about a variety of topics, including but not limited to transition processes, self-direction, housing, special needs trusts, and guardianship.

If you are an advocate, educator, agency, school professional, family member or other individual, navigating the pathway from school services to adulthood, then this conference is for you!

To register now or to learn more about the conference presenters, please visit: https://www.elija.org/events/view/A-Pathway-To-Adulthood-Using-Self-Direction-Transitioning-To-Independence-2024-05-11/.

“We are chipping away at the estimated 80% unemployment rate amongst individuals with autism, one person at a time,” said Debora Thivierge, Founder and CEO of ELIJA. “We all play a vital role throughout their lifespan, helping them to develop skills and preparing them for adulthood, so they can live independently.”

ELIJA Farm is located at 43 Foxhurst Road in South Huntington. For more information, call (631) 423-2379 or visit www.elijafarm.org.

ASCE Metropolitan Student Symposium at SBU. Photo by Rigoberto Burgueno

Stony Brook University’s student chapter of the American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) hosted its 2024 ASCE Metropolitan Student Symposium from April 12 to 14.

Attendees from New Jersey and New York included approximately 270 students from 13 universities who convened over a weekend of design events. In addition to a myriad of design competitions, the symposium also hosted several pop-up workshops facilitated by ASCE professional members and a networking event with donors.

The Stony Brook University ASCE Chapter competed in five competitions: taking first place in the Land Surveying competition; second place in the Construction Institute competition; and third place in the Steel Bridge competition. In addition, the Stony Brook University ASCE chapter took home an honorable mention for the New York State Council 2023 ASCE Student Chapter Award.

Read more and see a photo gallery from the symposium at the Stony Brook University Department of Civil Engineering website.

Mixed Berry French Toast

By Heidi Sutton

Don’t let Mother’s Day pass by as just another day on the calendar. Make this year’s celebration a true ode to the moms in your life with some extra special touches.

Give her flowers

Flowers are a timeless Mother’s Day gift for a reason. They provide pops of color on dining room tables, kitchen counters, end tables or even nightstands. Consider mom’s favorite spot in the house and place them within eyeshot for a frequent reminder of how much she’s appreciated.

Create a personalized card

Add a special final touch to an already memorable morning with a thoughtful card and handwritten message. Get the kids involved and create a card from scratch with construction paper, colored pencils, markers and more for a homemade gift she’ll cherish. If you didn’t fall from the artistic tree, don’t fret — a store bought card means all the same when paired with a heartfelt message that conveys your love.

Give her the day off

Whether she’s the culinary expert of the home or cooking is usually a team effort, make sure her morning is one of rest and relaxation while you handle kitchen duties from prep to cleanup. There may be no better way to start Mother’s Day than serving Mom some breakfast in bed. A homemade meal before Mom even gets out of bed can set the right tone for a day that celebrates all mothers have done and continue to do for their children.

If Mom loves a traditional hearty morning meal, this recipe for “Mixed Berry French Toast” courtesy of Taste of Home is sure to please.

Mixed Berry French Toast

YIELD: Makes 8 servings

INGREDIENTS: 

6 large eggs

1 3⁄4 cups fat-free milk

1 teaspoon sugar

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1⁄4 teaspoon salt

1 loaf (1 pound) French bread, cubed

1 package (12 ounces) frozen unsweetened mixed berries

2 tablespoons cold butter

1⁄3  cup packed brown sugar

Confectioners’ sugar and maple syrup (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

Whisk together the first 6 ingredients. Place bread cubes in a 13 x 9-inch or 3-quart baking dish coated with cooking spray. Pour egg mixture over top. Refrigerate, covered, 8 hours or overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 F. Remove berries from freezer and French toast from refrigerator and let stand while oven heats. Bake French toast, covered, 30 minutes.

In a small bowl, cut butter into brown sugar until crumbly. Top French toast with berries; sprinkle with brown sugar mixture. Bake, uncovered, until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean, 15 to 20 minutes. If desired, dust with confectioners’ sugar and serve with syrup.

National Grid is joining Island Harvest Food Bank, the National Association of Letter Carriers (NALC), and the United States Postal Service (USPS) as the presenting sponsor of the annual Stamp Out Hunger® food drive, the nation’s largest single-day food collection campaign.

The Stamp Out Hunger food drive is on Saturday, May 11 and all Long Island residents are encouraged to leave non-perishable food donations by their mailbox for their letter carrier to collect. All food collected in Nassau and Suffolk counties will benefit Island Harvest by providing supplemental food support to more than 300,000 Long Islanders who face hunger and food insecurity, including nearly one-third of those who are children.

“Contributing to Stamp Out Hunger is simple,” says Randi Shubin Dresner, president and CEO of Island Harvest. Just leave nonperishable food items in a bag next to your mailbox before the regularly scheduled mail delivery on Saturday, May 11. Then, your USPS letter carrier will do the rest to help ensure that it gets onto the tables of our Long Island neighbors in need.”

“As an Island Harvest Board member, ending hunger on Long Island is not just a goal, it’s a mission we’re committed to achieving,” said Ross Turrini, COO, New York Gas, National Grid and Island Harvest Board Member. “National Grid is proud to be the presenting sponsor of Stamp Out Hunger and a steadfast supporter for over two decades. We are continuing that commitment next week; we will have 50 volunteers sorting food to be distributed to the community. Together we can make a difference.”

Nonperishable food items needed include canned goods, cereal, pasta, rice, boxed juices, and shelf-stable milk (please, no food or juices in glass containers). In addition, personal care items such as toothpaste, soap, shampoo, deodorant, and disposable diapers are gratefully accepted. All donations collected will help replenish Island Harvest’s network of food pantries, soup kitchens and other emergency feeding programs in communities throughout Long Island.

“Even if it’s a can of soup or a box of cereal, every donation, no matter the size, will help countless Long Islanders who may be struggling to put food on their tables,” explains Ms. Shubin Dresner, who noted that the food bank distributed 16 million pounds of food in 2023, a 64% increase over 2019 (pre-pandemic levels). “We are counting on the generosity of our neighbors who can spare a little extra to help make this year’s Stamp Out Hunger food drive one of the most successful.”

Since its inception in 1993, Stamp Out Hunger has collected more than 1.75 billion pounds of food in all 50 states, plus the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands, to help address the issue of hunger in America.

“The National Association of Letter Carriers Branch 6000 and the United States Postal Service are excited to once again partner with Island Harvest for this year’s Stamp Out Hunger food collection,” said Tom Siesto, Executive Vice President, NALC Branch 6000. “The members of Branch 6000 and the employees of the United States Postal Service often see firsthand the widespread issue of food insecurity on Long Island and are thrilled to take part in this very important campaign and give back to the local communities that they serve.”

“Our letter carriers stand ready to Stamp Out Hunger on Long Island. We are thrilled to be working with Island Harvest Food Bank and National Association of Letter Carriers to join the mission and ensure every resident has access to a meal,” said the Postal Service’s District Manager John Tortorice.

This year’s Stamp Out Hunger collection campaign on Long Island is generously supported by presenting sponsor National Grid, lead sponsor JPMorgan Chase & Co., and major sponsors Allstate, Bethpage Federal Credit Union, Dime Community Bank, Empire Automotive Group, Nonna’s Garden, Rheem ProPartner, and Stop & Shop, and supporting partners College Hunks Moving, College Hunks Hauling Junk, Amazon, and Steel Equities. All donations to Stamp Out Hunger are tax-deductible because all the food collected benefits Island Harvest, a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Gabrielle Pouchelon with technician Sam Liebman. Photo by Constance Brukin/CSHL

By Daniel Dunaief

Gabrielle Pouchelon doesn’t need to answer the age-old debate about heredity vs. environment. When it comes to the development of the brain, she’s studying the response both to sensory cues and genetics.

Gabrielle Pouchelon.
Photo courtesy of CSHL

An Assistant Professor who joined Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in March of 2022, Pouchelon studies the interplay between sensory and neuromodulatory inputs and genetic programs in circuit maturation. She also studies other neuromodulatory inputs, usually associated with states of adulthood, which could control development.

A combination of genetics and environment shapes the way neurons connect in a healthy brain. In people who develop non-neurotypical behaviors, through autism, schizophrenia or other conditions, the development of neurological connections and architecture is likely different.

Researchers have associated genes of susceptibility with schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders. Scientists believe environmental cues provide the brain with activity that interact with these genetic components.

“We are trying to understand whether we can [intervene] earlier that can have different outcomes at later times,” said Pouchelon. “We are studying ways to intervene with these transient processes and examine whether dysfunctions associated with the disorders are improved.”

During critical periods of development, the brain has a high level of plasticity, where various inputs can alter neurons and their connections. This not only involves building connections, but sometimes breaking them down and rebuilding other ones. As people age, that plasticity decreases, which is why children learn faster than adults in areas such as the acquisition and development of language skills.

While the timing of critical periods is less well-defined in humans and language is a complex function, the ability to learn new languages at a young age reflects the high plasticity of the brain.

Scientists are studying language processes, which are specific to humans, with functional magnetic resonance imaging.

Pouchelon, who isn’t studying language skills, hopes that understanding the architecture of developing brains and how they respond to sensory and neuromodulatory cues could shed light on the studies performed in humans. Since behavioral therapy and pharmaceutical treatments can help children with autism, she believes understanding how external cues affect genetic elements could uncover drug targets to alleviate symptoms of neurodevelopmental disorders at an early age.

Neurons & the environment

From left, technician Sam Liebman, Gabrielle Pouchelon and postdoctoral researcher Dimitri Dumontier. Photo courtesy of Gabrielle Pouchelon

In her lab, which currently includes three researchers but she expects to double within a month, Pouchelon uses sophisticated tools to target not only the effect of the environment, but also to look at the specific neurons that transmit information.

She is trying to “understand at a very precise level what a sensory input means and what are the neurons that integrate that sensory input.”

Sam Liebman, who became a technician in Pouchelon’s lab two years ago after graduating from the University of Vermont, appreciates the work they’re doing and her mentorship.

The lab is “unique and special” because he has that “close relationship” in what is now a smaller lab with Pouchelon, Liebman said.

Growing up in Huntington, Liebman, who hopes to go to graduate school in the fall of 2025, came to Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory for field trips in middle school and high school.

“I idolized this place and this campus,” said Liebman.

Pouchelon has asked for Liebman’s opinion on potential candidates to join the lab, even summer interns.

Fragile X Syndrome

Most of the work Pouchelon conducts is done on animal models. She is mainly studying animals with a mutation linked to Fragile X Syndrome. 

In Fragile X Syndrome, which can affect boys and girls, children can have developmental delays, learning disabilities and social and behavioral problems. Boys, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, typically have some degree of intellectual disability, while girls can have normal intelligence or some degree of intellectual disability.

Other models for autism exist, such as genetic mutations in the gene Shank3. “We are trying to utilize these models to apply what we understand of development in brains that are healthy and compare them” to the mutated models, Pouchelon explained.

While clinical trials are exploring receptors as drug targets for Fragile X Syndrome, she hopes to find new ones that are selective in early stages of the disease to modify their use depending on the stages of development.

An annoying nerd

Born and raised in Paris, France to a family that showed considerably more artistic talent than she, Pouchelon struggled with games she and her sisters played when they listened to music on the radio and they had to guess the composer.

“I was the one always losing,” said Pouchelon. Her family, including her two older sisters who currently live in France, knew “way more about art and history than I did. I was the nerd scientist.”

When she was young, she was curious and asked a lot of “annoying questions” because she was interested in the “mystery of everything.” In high school, she became interested in the brain.

Pouchelon, who isn’t actively searching for French food but finds the baguettes at the Duck Island Bakery exceptional, lives on the Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory campus with her husband Djeckby “DJ” Joseph, a naturalized American citizen originally from Haiti who works in law enforcement at the VA Hospital in Manhattan, and their two-year old son Theo.

Eager to ensure her son benefits from a multicultural identity, Pouchelon speaks to Theo in French. He also attends on campus day care, where he learns English.

As for the decision to come to Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, Pouchelon, who conducted her PhD research at the University of Geneva in Switzerland and completed her postdoctoral research at New York University and at Harvard Medical School, is thrilled to discuss her work with the talented and collegial staff at the lab.

Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, which is known internationally for meetings and courses, is an “exciting place” where scientists conduct cutting edge research.

A previous Board Walk Your Way to Wellness event at Sunken Meadow State Park. Photo from Facebook

Health professionals from St. Catherine of Siena Hospital will be available at Sunken Meadow State Park’s boardwalk in Kings Park on Tuesdays, May 14, 21 and 28 from 5 to 7 p.m. to discuss heart health, healthy eating, weight management, breast health, stroke prevention, skin cancer and Lyme disease prevention tips. Free blood pressure screenings and free giveaways. To learn more, call 631-870-3444.

A scene from 'Unfrosted'. Photo courtesy of Netflix

Reviewed by Jeffrey Sanzel

Oh, for the comedic integrity of Sid and Marty Krofft’s 1971 Lidsville. The creators of H.R. Pufnstuf, The Bugaloos, and Sigmund and the Sea Monsters offered a world populated by talking hats. Compared with Netflix’s Unfrosted, the anthropomorphized Saturday morning toppers were comic gold along the lines of Chaplin, Keaton, and Larry David. 

Unfrosted tells the fictional tale of the creation of the Pop-Tart. The premise hinges on the 1963 toaster pastry battle between Kellogg and Post, in Battle Creek, Michigan. Jerry Seinfeld directed, co-wrote, co-produced, and stars as Bob Cabana, a Kellogg executive. So, guess who is responsible for this overbaked, leaden soufflé? 

The film attempts to be “ZANY!!!” (Yes: all caps, bold, italics, underlined, and three exclamation marks. Perhaps “zzz-any” would have been a better summation.) Rarely has so much energy and celebrity power been squandered on forced, unfunny material as artificial as Pop-Tarts themselves. Strawberry Pop-Tarts contain less than two percent dried strawberries. Unfrosted contains less than two percent real comedy. (Maybe the film needed an injection of soybean and palm oil with tBHQ for freshness.)

The film’s humor is low-hanging fruit (there are those dried strawberries again). Unfrosted spoofs corporate espionage, the moon landing, awards shows (the Bowl and Spoon Awards), genetic engineering (a ravioli stuffed with Sea Monkeys escapes the lab), the Cuban Missile Crisis, and a dangerous milk syndicate. A benign throughline about disgruntled product mascots, led by Frosted Flakes’ Tony the Tiger, becomes a tasteless and horrifying send-up of January 6. 

With witty dialogue including “What are you, some kind of ding dong?” and “Uh-Oh! Spaghetti O’s!” along with punchlines relying on dumpster diving, former Nazi scientists, and high fructose corn syrup, how could they go right? (And just when you think it is over, there is a full-cast song with bloopers and outtakes.)

Seinfeld recruited and sadly misused a first-rate roster. Melissa McCarthy is Donna Stankowski, Cabana’s former cohort who went to NASA. Here, she turns in her standard comedy-for-paycheck performance. Jim Gaffigan blusters as Edsel Kellogg III, playing opposite Amy Schumer’s uncomfortable Marjorie Post. Hugh Grant appears as a version of Hugh Grant as Thurl Ravenscroft, the Shakespearean actor who is the rebellious Tony the Tiger. 

For no apparent reason, the research team is composed of Jack LaLanne (James Marsden), Steve Schwinn (Jack McBrayer), Harold von Brauhnut (Thomas Lennon), Chef Boyardee (Bobby Moynihan), and Tom Carvel (Adrian Martinez). Cumulatively, they do not manage more than one-and-a-half dimensions and two-and-a-half laughs. 

Most of the starry company feature in a handful of brief scenes. Christian Slater as a smilingly sinister milkman. Bill Burr’s sexed-up John F. Kennedy (with the gratuitous Marilyn Monroe references) is matched by Dean Norris’s Nikita Krushchev, a mumbling version of Bullwinkle and Rocky’s arch-enemy, Boris Badenov. Peter Dinklage is amusing as Harry Friendly, leader of the milk syndicate, and John Slattery and Jon Hamm’s Mad Men ad men are a welcome surprise (until they start pitching, and then it’s back to business as usual). Kyle Dunnigan’s Walter Cronkite presents a decent impersonation, but jokes about Cronkite’s bad marriage (huh?) fall flat. Dozens more fill out the cast in supporting roles and cameos. One hopes everyone was well paid or at least given a good lunch. 

Visually, Unfrosted appears in a Barbie style that seems like a brighter version of Asteroid City or Don’t Worry, Darling—that late 1950s/early 1960s hyper vibrance. Cinematographer William Pope, editor Evan Henke, production designer Clayton Hartley, and costume designer Susan Matheson provide what little style the film achieves. 

On April 29, Netflix released a promo explaining that Unfrosted referenced two hundred and twenty-one trademarked breakfast cereals without permission or legal clearance. The promo runs two minutes and thirteen seconds. The film lasts ninety-six minutes. Do yourself a favor: Skip both.