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Times of Middle Country

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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

Even as we study evolution, we ourselves evolve over time. No, we don’t learn to fly or to breathe underwater. We change over the decades, in part because of social pressure and in part because, well, our cells, organs and experiences align to make us different decadal versions of ourselves. With that in mind, I’d like to share some snapshots from my life.

First decade:

Likes: I adored my parents (most of the time). I also appreciated the opportunity to make new friends and to play any game that involved chasing a ball.

Dislikes: long distances running, homework, dark nights, losing electricity, sitting in the middle of a station wagon with my legs cramped under me. 

Favorite food: pizza and grilled cheese with ketchup. It’s not for everyone, but I loved it.

Favorite sport to play: basketball.

Favorite sport to watch: baseball.

Biggest worry: finding parents.

Second decade:

Likes: time with friends, the freedom to drive somewhere on my own (later in the decade, of course).

Dislikes: tough teachers eager to teach me too many lessons, rejections from friends, and too many questions from parents. Waiting for parents to pick me up (until I could drive). Developing an intolerance to dairy, which removed pizza, ice cream and mac and cheese from food options.

Favorite food: Good Steer burger supremes with a root beer and ballpark hot dogs.

Favorite sport to play: baseball

Favorite sport to watch: baseball.

Biggest worry: Losing parents. Getting into college.

Third decade

Likes: getting a job where someone not only paid me to do something I wasn’t sure I was qualified to do, but also sent me on planes to do it. Spending time with friends. Going on vacations with friends and family.

Dislikes: working on weekends and holidays. Going on horrible dates with people who were a little too eager to see fights where teeth got knocked out during hockey games. Then again, some of those unsuccessful dates still bring a smile to my face.

Favorite food: Thai food at a restaurant on the Upper East Side.

Favorite sport to play: volleyball.

Favorite sport to watch: baseball.

Biggest worry: Finding enough time to exercise.

Fourth decade:

Likes: enjoying the miraculous connection that comes from meeting girlfriend/wife. Listening to my wife laugh and seeing her smile. Holding my son and daughter and feeling them relax enough to go to sleep.

Dislikes: trying to figure out how to handle when children got sick, needing something we didn’t have, and packing enough stuff in the diaper bag and the car for needy children.

Favorite food: Who tastes food at this point? We inhaled it in between picking up the food the kids spilled on the floor or in the car.

Favorite sport to play: softball in Central Park.

Favorite sport to watch: my daughter’s active and exciting volleyball matches and my son’s soccer games. I knew nothing about soccer, so I could just be a supportive father and fan without offering unwelcome and unhelpful advice.

Biggest worry: How to keep kids healthy.

Fifth decade:

Likes: holidays, vacations and not needing to stand over the kids when they got too close to the water. Hooray for independent swimming.

Dislikes: driving everywhere with kids and their friends who made the car stink so badly at times that I opened windows in freezing temperatures. Watching kids disappear into their cell phones.

Favorite food: fresh fish on vacations.

Favorite sport to play: I barely played anything. I coached kids and bobbed and weaved between the entitled requests from parents.

Favorite sport to watch: daughter’s volleyball and son’s baseball.

Biggest worry: helping steer kids in the right direction.

Sixth decade:

Likes: time with family and friends, days when pain in my hip stays the same or, rarely, is less than the day before.

Dislikes: not knowing how to handle important technology, an awareness that I’m older than my friend’s parents were when I was growing up, and I thought they were old.

Favorite food: anything that doesn’t keep me up at night.

Favorite sport to play: baseball or anything that doesn’t cause pain the next day.

Favorite sport to watch: baseball.

Biggest worry: the speed at which each day, month and year passes. The prevalence of anger for its own sake and the health of the planet our children are inheriting.

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Congressman George Santos, Photo from Wikimedia Commons

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

“Then give three cheers, and one cheer more, For the hardy Captain of” … no not the Pinafore but publisher of the North Shore Leader. With an appreciative nod to Gilbert & Sullivan, that line well applies to Grant Lally, who warned us of George Santos and his preposterous resume that rivals any tall tale. But unlike HMS Pinafore of 19th century fame for innocent entertainment, Santos may be a peril for our nation.

According to the Leader, a weekly community newspaper, and also The New York Times, PBS News Hour and other first line news outlets, newly elected U.S. Congressman George Santos (NY-3) is a deeply concerning fake who has totally falsified his background, assets and contacts, and who is a wanted petty criminal in Brazil. According to that country’s prosecutors, he stole checkbooks from the elderly patients of his late mother, who was a home health care nurse, and forged checks to steal merchandise. And although he claimed to have graduated from prestigious schools, he is a high school dropout who earned a high school equivalency diploma. He portrayed himself as having worked for top line financial institutions. As to being Jewish with grandparents who escaped from the Holocaust, his mother was in fact devoutly Catholic and his grandparents were born in Brazil shortly after WWII began.

Most serious are his financial claims. He said he loaned $700,000 to his campaign from personal wealth that it turns out he doesn’t have. Lying on a resume is not a crime, but lying on federal financial disclosures is, with each violation bringing a possible five years in federal prison. So where, exactly, did that large money helping him get elected come from?

A recent report in The Daily Beast, according to the Leader, showed that Santos took $56,000 from a Russian money man, a cousin of a Vladimir Putin crony, who is under international sanctions. According to the Leader, “the fact that [Santos’s] two campaigns have received large sums of money from Russian oligarchs close to Putin is cause for real alarm in the U.S. intelligence community.” They are afraid of a potential espionage threat, that he might be a foreign agent. Jim Geraghty, writing in the National Review and quoted by the Leader, offered, “For all we know, some foreign power may have bought itself a congressman. This isn’t outlandish speculation.” 

At this point, you, the reader, are probably asking yourself how it could happen that Santos wasn’t discovered far sooner by both Republicans and Democrats. According to an extensive lead article in this past Sunday’s The New York Times, he was. Republicans at several levels knew about the problem but did nothing to unmask the candidate for various reasons: inattention, underappreciated risks, otherwise distracted by the issues rather than the biographies, the promise of another GOP vote in the House, and other speculations. And some Dems knew, too, but were distracted or underestimated the threat Santos’s campaign posed.

Rather than go deeper into this issue, I would like the thrust of this column to be a celebration of the prowess of what The NYT called, “a small weekly paper on Long Island.” Run by Grant Lally, a Republican lawyer and former House candidate, it did its job of functioning as a people’s watchdog, especially on affairs of government, and reporting courageously on its findings.

“The paper published a pair of articles casting doubt on Mr. Santos’s claims that he owned extravagant cars and homes, and labeling him a ‘fabulist—a fake’, though it did not have other specifics that would later come out about his falsified resume or his past,” wrote The NYT on Sunday. “None of the bigger outlets, including The Times, followed up with extensive stories examining his real address or his campaign’s questionable spending, focusing their coverage instead on Mr. Santos’s extreme policy views and the historic nature of a race between two openly gay candidates,” The NYT continued.

Never underestimate a weekly hometown newspaper. Indeed, four cheers.

{Santos represents the 3rd Congressional District, which includes the Towns of Oyster Bay and North Hempstead and a small portion of northeast Queens.}

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Kevin LaValle, above. File photo by Raymond Janis

In a special election held Tuesday, Jan. 17, Town of Brookhaven Councilman Kevin LaValle (R-Selden) was elected as Brookhaven town clerk.

Former Town Clerk Donna Lent (I) retired in November, prompting a special election to complete her unexpired term ending in 2025. An unofficial tally from the Suffolk County Board of Elections indicates LaValle secured victory handily, defeating the Democratic candidate, Lisa Di Santo of East Patchogue. So far, he has received 6,396 votes to Di Santo’s 4,940.

In an exclusive phone interview, LaValle reacted to the election outcome. 

“I’m really excited that the residents of the Town of Brookhaven put their faith in me to run a very critical department,” he said. “I’m excited about the opportunity ahead of me. Once I get sworn in, I look forward to taking on that challenge.” To his opponent, he added, “It was a great race. I wish her the best.”

Upon assuming this townwide position, LaValle will oversee a more than 25-person staff. In the meantime, he said he intends to speak with staff members, get an idea of the day-to-day operations and “start to see the office as a whole and see what we can improve.”

“I think that that’s going to be a little bit of a process to get that all together, but I’m excited to sit down with everybody,” the town clerk-elect said, adding, “It’s going to be a bit of a challenge, but I’m excited for it.”

New state election laws require at least a week for the election results to be certified. LaValle will vacate his seat on the Town Board when he is sworn in as clerk, triggering another special election — this time for his Brookhaven 3rd Council District.

The outgoing councilman pledged to remain active in the eventual transition process. “I think there are some people out there,” he said, referring to prospective candidates. “The leadership of the Republican Party and the Democratic Party, they’re going to have to make the decisions on that.”

He added, “The 3rd District has been my home my whole life. It’s been a great honor to be able to represent it over the last nine years, so I’m certainly going to take a keen interest in who’s going to take over after me and certainly be a helping hand in that transition.”

LaValle could be sworn into office as Brookhaven town clerk as early as Wednesday, Jan. 25. Under town code, the board must set a special election between 60 and 90 days from the opening of the vacancy.

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Suffolk County Police Sixth Squad detectives are investigating a single-vehicle crash that critically
injured a woman on Jan. 16.

Susan Denise was driving a 2002 Jeep Liberty on the Long Island Expressway approximately 1⁄2 mile
west of exit 62 when the vehicle struck the center median, flipped on its side, and caught fire at
approximately 12:05 p.m. Multiple good Samaritans flipped the car right side up and extracted Denise,
who was getting burned, from the vehicle and over to the right shoulder.

Denise, 56, of Farmingville, was transported to Stony Brook University Hospital via Suffolk County Police helicopter in critical condition. The vehicle was impounded for a safety check.

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Roy Gross, of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, with an injured owl that was recovering at the Sweetbriar Nature Center in Smithtown.
Roy Gross, of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, with a dog rescue.
The rooster, named King Charles, has been at the shelter since July. from Photo from the Town of Smithtown Animal Shelter & Adoption Center
Katniss, Mags and Rue, three rabbits named for Hunger Games characters, were abandoned in Blyndenburgh Park in July of 2022. Photo from the Town of Smithtown Animal Shelter & Adoption Center
Three-year-old German shepherd Linx has been at the shelter for over a year and loves being outdoors. Photo from the Town of Smithtown Animal Shelter & Adoption Center
Dori Scofield, president of Save-A-Pet with two cats Oreo and Cookie.
Dori Scofield, president of Save-A-Pet with the dog Rommel.

The life of Linx is becoming an all too familiar tale in recent months.

A 3-year old German shepherd, Linx, who didn’t receive effective training from his owners, was abandoned a year ago, making it difficult for him to function as a normal dog. Although he’s not conventionally affectionate, Linx is eager to play and run, which means he is best suited for an outdoor and active life.

“He has low odds of finding the right situation,” said Leigh Wixson, animal shelter supervisor in the Town of Smithtown Animal Shelter & Adoption Center, where Linx currently resides.

Some residents throughout Suffolk County bit off more than they could chew during the worst months of the pandemic, adding animals ranging from dogs and cats to guinea pigs, rats, rabbits and roosters to their brood.

Unfortunately for many of those animals, their new owners didn’t always do sufficient research to understand what their new pets needed and didn’t take the time to train them.

At the same time, as people have returned to work outside the house or have become concerned about their budgets amid high inflation and the potential for a recession this year, some people have brought their pets to shelters, or worse.

In the last few weeks, people have left kittens in Tanner Park in Copiague and have abandoned a dog in a motel room for days.

“How do you do something like that to an animal that loved you?” asked Roy Gross, chief of the Suffolk County Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “Never mind it being illegal, it’s immoral.”

Gross said his department has been pursuing cases where people have attempted to discard their pets in ways that jeopardize animal safety.

He urged people who may not be as comfortable or capable of continuing to provide care for their animals to bring them to one of the county’s 10 municipal shelters.

People who mistreat their pets, by neglecting or putting them in dangerous situations, face fines and jail sentences, Gross said.

Dori Scofield, president of Port Jefferson Station-based Save-A-Pet Animal Shelter, said someone recently tied a dog to a fence near the shelter.

“The dog could have hung himself on our fence, could have gotten away and gotten killed, lost or injured,” she said. Fortunately, she said, the dog made it through the night.

Not a good gift

People who work at shelters urged those who adopt animals, particularly pets like larger breeds of dogs, to take the time to work with them.

“Between 10 months and two years, people have to focus on training,” Scofield said. Without the proper support and direction, some dogs develop behavioral issues.

The first two years of owning a dog are the hardest. “It’s like having a teenager,”  Wixson said. “You go through phases and then something clicks around two or three years old.”

Wixson added that every breed of dog has its quirks, which means that the adorable dalmatians from movies and other photogenic dogs don’t necessarily interact with their owners the way people might have expected.

“I have been attacked by more dachshunds and chihuahuas than any other breed,” Wixson said.

While people have surrendered or “donated” dogs, shelters have also had numerous calls about rabbits, roosters and other pets.

Scofield described rabbits as “awesome” pets, but cautioned that they are “high-maintenance” animals that require cleaning, feeding and attention.

The prospects for a domestic rabbit released into the wild are poor. A domesticated rabbit could get run over, starve or be attacked by predators, Gross said.

Wixson said she used to get one or two calls a week before the pandemic from people who couldn’t manage their pets. On Monday, she received five calls.

Some people have given pets to friends and family during birthdays and holidays, which works out as well, and sometimes worse, than when people receive gifts that are easier to return, like sweaters, ties, or toys.

“Giving an animal as a gift is not a good thing,” Gross said, “unless people are expecting it and this is what they want.”

As for the German shepherd Linx, Wixson said that, despite the odds, an adoption “can happen and we are always hopeful.” Wixson believes Linx would do “wonderfully well on a farm where people are outside and busy and there are many things going on around him.”

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Photo courtesy of Humane Long Island

Humane Long Island is donating vegan gift bags to every person who adopts a dog, cat, or other fuzzy, finned, or feathered friend from participating animal shelters across Long Island for the next 30 days to both promote adoption and kindness to all animals in the New Year.

“Veganuary” gift bags will include vegan food items such as Beyond Jerky, Hippeas, and Vego candy bars from Cindysnacks vegan market in Huntington – which has just been named Humane Long Island’s 2022 Business of the Year – as well as coupons, literature, stickers, and activity books that make it easy to pursue a healthy, vegan lifestyle.

Participating shelters include Babylon Animal Shelter, Brookhaven Animal Shelter, Cove Animal Rescue in Glen Cove, Kent Animal Shelter in Riverhead, Save-A-Pet Animal Shelter in Port Jefferson Station, Smithtown Animal Shelter, Southampton Animal Shelter Foundation, Town of Huntington Cat Shelter Operated by Little Shelter, and Humane Long Island’s Riverhead Aviary.

John Di Leonardo, anthrozoologist and president of Humane Long Island, says “Whether you’re looking to adopt a fuzzy, finned, or feathered friend this year, Humane Long Island would like to say thank you by offering healthy, cruelty-free gift bags to everyone who rescues a homeless animal during the month of January! We hope these delicious vegan samples will encourage adopters to save 200 more animals each year by simply leaving animals off their plate and out of their wardrobe.”

Patricia Deshong, Executive Director of the Southampton Animal Shelter Foundation, says “Southampton Animal Shelter Foundation is proud to save the lives of animals with the goal of finding them their forever homes. Animals are friends, not food! We thank our friend and fellow rescue partner Humane Long Island for taking the lead on promoting a vegan/plant-based lifestyle and fully support this initiative.”

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By Carolyn Sackstein

When visitors to the Village of Port Jefferson were approached Saturday, Jan. 7, they thoughtfully and very personally responded to the question: “What was your favorite,  most significant or memorable event of 2022?” The themes of health, pets and travel ruled the day.

— Photos by Carolyn Sackstein

Paul and Gerri Havran, St. James

“We were on the ferry returning from Connecticut after picking up a truck,” Paul said. “Shortly after leaving Bridgeport, I had a heart attack and died for several minutes. Fortunately, there was a [physician’s assistant] sitting by us. There was an EMT and they went to work on me. They weren’t bringing me back, but the captain saw from the bridge what was going on and sent the crew down with an [automated external defibrillator]. A fireman and the PA administered the AED and brought me back.”

 

 


Corinne Minor (left) and Sara Jackson, Selden

Corinne: “We got two cats from my grandmother this past year, when she passed away. Bringing them here and getting them acclimated to our little home has been significant.”

Sara: “I would have to say my health. I went through a whirlwind of surgeries. I am happy and healthy right now. I cannot wait for 2023.”

 

 

 

Ashley Smith, St. James

“Definitely adopting my second dog from Last Chance Animal Rescue. She’s a Redbone Coonhound named Caroline.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keith, Lauren and Christine Kmiotek, Brooklyn

Keith spoke for the family. “Our island vacation in St. John, the U. S. Virgin Islands, was very nice. We are beach bums, so what’s nice about St. John is you can go to all the public beaches. It’s open to everybody. You don’t have to pay to get on the beaches. You get tired of one, you get in your car and drive to another. You go around the corner and it’s like a whole new world. The island is that beautiful to explore.”

 

 

 

Chuck Sullivan, Manorville

“Getting on the ferry and going to Vermont. It was the greatest bike trip I ever took. It was with a bunch of good guys.”

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Jager
Suffolk County SPCA with the assistance of Suffolk County Police arrested a man on Jan. 11 for fatally injuring a dog and threatening the dog’s owner in Holbrook last month. An animal hospital reported a suspicious death of a dog to the Suffolk County SPCA on Dec. 20.
Following an investigation by SCSPCA detectives that included a forensic necropsy, Scott A. Walker was arrested at Valero, located at 1080 Main St., Holbrook at 8:54 p.m. It was determined that Walker had allegedly kicked the dog, an 11-year-old mixed breed male dog named Jager, at his residence, located on Dolphin Lane, causing the injuries that resulted in the dog’s death, and for threatening the dog’s owner, another resident of the house.

Walker, 44, was charged with Aggravated Cruelty to Animals, Animal Cruelty, Criminal Mischief, Aggravated Harassment 2nd Degree, and Coercion 3rd Degree.

A criminal charge is an accusation. A defendant is presumed innocent until and unless proven guilty.

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A special election for Brookhaven Town Clerk will take place Tuesday, Jan. 17. Above, Kevin LaValle (left) and Lisa Di Santo, respective nominees for the Republican and Democratic parties. Photos by Raymond Janis

Early voting is underway for the next Brookhaven town clerk, and the two major party candidates are making their pitch to the voters.

Former Town Clerk Donna Lent (I) retired in November, triggering a special election for her unexpired term ending in 2025. Town of Brookhaven Councilman Kevin LaValle (R-Selden) and community advocate Lisa Di Santo, the Democratic Party nominee, will square off at the polls Tuesday, Jan. 17.

During a joint meeting of the Selden and Centereach civic associations Thursday, Jan. 5, the two candidates were questioned on a range of topics related to the operations of the Town Clerk’s Office. Civic members generated some of the questions with others fielded from the audience.

Introductions

Di Santo is a former social studies teacher who taught students about participation in government. She also served as a trustee of the South Country school board in East Patchogue, where she lives. 

“I have always participated in government, and I feel that I can be an independent voice of reason in the Town Clerk’s Office,” she said. “We have many of the same people filling many of the same positions over and over again. … That leads to a bit of stagnation, and I think it’s time for a fresh set of ideas, a fresh set of eyes, on what’s happening in the Town Clerk’s Office.”

Before entering government, LaValle owned a title agency. He then received a loan mortgage originator’s license and has worked in mortgage banking ever since. The councilman worked on the staff of former Suffolk County Legislators Dan Losquadro (R) and Tom Muratore (R). He was elected to serve Brookhaven’s 3rd Council District in 2013 in an area which includes Lake Grove, Centereach, Selden and parts of Lake Ronkonkoma, Farmingville, Port Jeff Station and a piece of Holbrook. 

 “I think I’ve accomplished a great deal as councilman, but I come before you now, again, to say that as town clerk, I am going to bring a new energy,” he said. “I am going to bring a new work ethic to the Town Clerk’s Office that has not been seen before.”

Duties of town clerk

Both candidates were asked about the function of the town clerk. For Di Santo, the clerk must ensure the accurate recording of Town Board meetings and the efficient filing of legal records, among other tasks. She emphasized the significance of the Freedom of Information Law request process.

“One of the most important things has to do with [being] the appeals officer for FOIL requests that come to the town,” she said. “People who live here and pay taxes should be able to access that information.”

The Democratic candidate also said the incoming clerk must assess and modernize the existing technology in the office. “I have spoken with some people who work in the Town Clerk’s Office and told me that their technology is at least 10 years out of date,” she said. “That is something that is certainly personally scary to me.”

LaValle viewed the clerk’s role as threefold, that is to “secure, maintain and distribute vital records of the residents of the Town of Brookhaven.” He referred to the office as a “vital hub,” servicing residents in the best and worst times.

“I believe the efficiency could be improved in the Town Clerk’s Office,” he said. “Cybersecurity, I think that’s something we can take to another level.”

He viewed the clerk as a service provider rather than a policymaker or revenue generator, noting that empowering and providing the staff with the necessary resources will be critical. “As the clerk, the focus will be about making sure the staff has the tools to be able to do their job,” he said.

Cybersecurity

Addressing the September ransomware attack against the Suffolk County government, LaValle assessed shortcomings within the county’s IT network. He described the need for coordination between departments, recommending the town continues its transition to cloud technologies to avert a similar scenario.

“The cloud is probably the best security that you can have, but we have to stay vigilant and make sure we’re looking at new technologies as we move along to make sure our information stays secure,” the councilman said.

Di Santo concurred that replacing outdated technology will be a priority. She stressed the need to properly oversee the transition to new platforms and work out any technical or logistic challenges that may arise.

“When you have new technology, one of the things that is crucial is to make certain that the staff is comfortable with that technology, that they’re fully trained so that they are able to use that to the best of their ability,” she said.

Staffing

After conversations with staff members, Di Santo painted a bleak picture of the current situation within the Town Clerk’s Office. “The office is actually understaffed,” she said. “Morale is really not very good in the office. You have a lot of turnover, so it’s very difficult to have the best customer service when you have staff changing and needing to be retrained.”

She reiterated that “a fresh set of eyes” from somebody outside government will help identify areas for improvement and generate potential solutions.

LaValle said he would prefer close collaboration with the Town Board, analyzing any barriers to efficient staff operations. He then stated a desire to fund personnel better.

“I want to be able to go in, take a real good look at what is going on in the office,” he said. “Do we need more employees? Should we pay our employees more?”

He also advanced the need to offer a vision the staff can get behind. “We have to work with the employees and build a team concept,” he said. “I want to make this the best clerk’s office in New York state. Without our employees buying into my leadership and what I want to do, that’s not going to happen.”

Resident access

Both candidates addressed the need to decentralize the office, to move services out of Town Hall and into the various hamlets and villages throughout the township. LaValle introduced a multipronged approach, including attending community meetings and building a more prominent multimedia presence.

“I want to be a town clerk going out to various functions,” he said. “A lot of people here see me in a lot of different events. That’s something I’m going to continue to do because I think the outreach of going out to the public and showing them what the clerk’s office does … is fundamentally important.”

He added, “I want to be able to go out and bring back some transparency — new social media platforms, doing videos on Channel 18 talking about what we can do to help residents.”

Di Santo said she has heard from multiple residents that resident access to public records can be slow. She again centered on requests for public information.

“The town clerk is the final appeals officer for the FOIL law,” she said. “In some cases, those requests get bounced from one department to another and the clock seems to run out.”

She added, “People who are residents, our taxpayers, are asking for information from their town, and in many cases it seems that it is being stonewalled. The town clerk has a responsibility to provide that information.”

Open government

Candidates were asked what the term “open government” means and how they would bring town government closer to the people.

“Open government means giving everyone the opportunity to participate at their fullest,” Di Santo said. “I would, as town clerk, try to appeal to the Town Board members to make many of the meetings much more accessible to the many people in the town who work.”

She also proposed bringing the operations of the Town Clerk’s Office to local libraries and other community forums. “The town clerk [could] go into each and every one of those council districts several times a year, appear at the senior centers and the local libraries to have discussions with people,” she said.

Like Di Santo, LaValle stressed he would maintain an active community presence if elected. “I want to go out, I want to be at senior centers, I want to be at civic meetings, I want to be in chambers of commerce, talking about what the clerk’s office does,” he said. “You have to get out there. You have to be a part of the community.”

Brookhaven residents will decide on these two candidates this Tuesday, Jan. 17. Polls open from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m., and residents can report to their regular polling place on Election Day.

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Photo from Wikimedia Commons

By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

I heard from a friend, who heard from another friend whose neighbor’s cousin is the babysitter of someone who works in Congress. So, it has to be true.

Here’s the deal: I know some of the concessions Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) made to become speaker of the house.

The person who heard it fourth hand was in the bathroom, minding his own business, trying, from what I understand, to make his best guesses at Wordle on his phone while battling an upset stomach when three of the principal negotiators in the process entered the bathroom and spoke in whispers.

The first concession is that McCarthy must begin each day by saying the words “we are all equal, but some are more equal than others,” at which point he’s supposed to subtly make the letters G and O in sign language with his hands to show that he’s thinking about “Animal Farm” author George Orwell.

Then, he has to look at the audience carefully to see if Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) has had a bad night. If Gaetz gives him a particular signal, he’s not allowed to bang his gavel too loudly, to prevent a headache from getting worse.

Once he’s gotten everyone’s attention, he then agreed that he’ll lead the house in the Pledge of Allegiance, pausing when he reached the “under God” section to make it clear that religion is not only okay, but that many people, particularly those who might not have otherwise voted for him, believe in God.

When President Joe Biden (D) gives his state of the union address, he will give at least 15 head shakes, five winces and nine arched eyebrows. At the end of the speech, to defend former president Donald Trump (R), he plans to take a page out of the previous speaker’s playbook by picking up the copy of Biden’s speech and tearing it up in disgust as it were the first chapter of a book he’d like to ban from libraries around the country.

Speaking of beyond belief, McCarthy has then agreed that if Rep. George Santos (R-NY), whose name might have changed by the time this is relevant, is still in the house, McCarthy should ask him to sing a few songs.

For starters, according to Santos’s resume, he has won at least three Grammy awards, which means he has a wonderful and lyrical singing voice.

When things get too tense during deliberations with other Republicans, let alone the Democrats who are ruining the government and the country, McCarthy has a playlist for Santos. He’s going to sing the Meghan Trainor song, “Lips are Movin,” with a slight modification in the wording.“If my lips are moving, then I’m lyin’, lyin’, lyin’, baby.”

If things continue to be tense for hours, as a politician continues grandstanding, Santos can provide a Billy Joel encore, again with a slight tweak:

“Honesty is such a lonely word

I am certainly so untrue

Honestly is hardly ever heard

And rarely what I give to you.”

Following the example of Trump, McCarthy also agreed to hug a flag in public at least three times a year, to normalize the behavior and to demonstrate his commitment to America and the country’s values.

He also promised to support at least 13, for the original colonies, investigations in his first year as speaker, with a commitment to at least another dozen in his second.

Finally, in a subtle gesture meant to celebrate the political right, he planned to stand to the right of the podium and only to hit the gavel with his right hand while pausing to emphasize the word “right” every time he utters it.

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