Yearly Archives: 2024

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Suffolk County Crime Stoppers and Suffolk County Police Fifth Precinct Crime Section officers are seeking the public’s help to identify and locate the woman who allegedly stole merchandise from a Patchogue store.

A woman allegedly stole a Breville coffee machine, valued at approximately $300, from Home Goods, located at 499-1 Sunrise Highway, on October 30 at 11:20 a.m.

Suffolk County Crime Stoppers offers a cash reward for information that leads to an arrest. Anyone with information about these incidents can contact Suffolk County Crime Stoppers to submit an anonymous tip by calling 1-800-220-TIPS, utilizing a mobile app which can be downloaded through the App Store or Google Play by searching P3 Tips, or online at www.P3Tips.com. All calls, text messages and emails will be kept confidential.

 

METRO photo

By Heidi Sutton

Sweet potatoes may be stars; cornbread dressing a contender. Dinner rolls are divine and green bean casserole a go-to. But Thanksgiving dinner isn’t complete without turkey.

Even in households that don’t eat meat, plant-based turkey alternatives find their way onto the dinner table in a nod to Thanksgiving tradition. Given the emphasis placed on the main course each Thanksgiving, cooking a turkey can be intimidating. These turkey-cooking tips can calm anyone’s nerves and result in a mouth-watering main course.

Allow ample time for thawing. Some people may not be able to buy a fresh turkey, and millions of individuals purchase frozen turkeys each year. The Food Network says it can take 24 hours per every five pounds to thaw a turkey. Therefore, if you have a 15-pounder, allow for three days for thawing. Always thaw a turkey in a refrigerator.

Get the right size bird. The general rule of thumb is 1 pound (uncooked) to 1 1⁄2 pounds of turkey per person if you’re buying a whole turkey. Rather than purchasing the largest turkey you can find for a large crowd, consider two smaller turkeys or one turkey and one breast to make cooking more even. Smaller birds are more tender as well.

Adjust the temperature. The food and cooking resource The Kitchn advises preheating an oven to 450 F, then dropping the temperature to 350 F after putting the turkey into the oven. Cook, on average, 13 minutes per each pound of turkey. The turkey is done when it registers a minimum temperature of 165 F in the thickest part of the thigh.

To brine or not to brine? Many food fanatics swear by brining turkey to achieve more moist and flavorful meat. However, a wet brine may not lead to the crispiest skin possible. 

Good Housekeeping suggests trying a dry brine instead. This involves rubbing salt all over the raw turkey, placing the bird into a large plastic bag, and refrigerating overnight or up to two days before cooking; otherwise, purchase a kosher turkey, which already has been salted from the inside out.

Avoid stuffing the bird. Rather than stuffing the turkey and cooking everything en masse, prepare the stuffing mixture separate from the turkey. This reduces the risk of contamination from the turkey’s raw juices and helps to achieve a crispy coating on the stuffing guests will enjoy. 

Make an aromatic roasting rack. Turkeys typically are placed on a metal rack for cooking so the juices do not cause the turkey to stick to the pan. However, you also can cut onions and lay them with a bed of whole celery stalks and carrots to elevate the roast. This creates extra flavor in the bird and the vegetables also can be served or mixed into the stuffing.

By Jennifer Donatelli

The Visiting Nurse Service & Hospice of Suffolk (VNSHS) hosted its 34th annual Hospice Trees of Light ceremony on Nov. 17, honoring the memories of loved ones lost in the past year.

The event, held at the VNSHS headquarters in Northport, drew community members for an evening of reflection, music and remembrance. Silvia Cota, CEO of VNSHS, addressed the audience, emphasizing that hospice care is about more than medical support.

“It’s about compassion, dignity and the deep connection we share with those nearing the end of their life,” Cota said.

The Northport Pipe and Drum Band performed “Amazing Grace” as hospice volunteers read more than 470 names of individuals honored during the ceremony.

“This was an evening of celebration, joy and remembrance,” said Connie Alexander, director of patient services.

Bonnie Gruber, hospice support services coordinator, described hospice as “a program for those who have a terminal illness with a prognosis of six months or fewer,” with the goal of meeting the physical and emotional needs of patients and their families. VNSHS provides bereavement services for the patients families, as well, for up to 13 months after a loved one’s death. Gruber added that preparing for the first holiday season without a loved one can be especially difficult, and that is precisely why VNHS provides events like this during this time of year.

Many attendees spoke of the comfort this tree-lighting ceremony provided. Mary Slappay of Deer Park attended the night for the first time to honor her husband of 35 years. 

“The Visiting Nurse Service made the last 24 hours of his life comfortable and peaceful and gave me the tools to cope with his death,” Slappay said.

For others, this was not their first visit to the ceremony. A Kings Park resident. Janice Slott, has attended the event for two years. In 2023, she honored her son Greg Sill, a Smithtown history teacher who died unexpectedly, and this year returned to honor her husband of 53 years.

“I promised myself I was going to come and honor him, and wasn’t going to cry,” Slott said.

Father Edward Sheridan, pastor of St. Anthony of Padua in Northport and St. Francis of Assisi in Greenlawn, gave the invocation, calling for unity in prayer. “No matter what our faith is, we pray for those souls who have gone before us to a place of light, happiness and peace,” Sheridan said.

Rabbi Marcey Wagner, who delivered the benediction, spoke about finding hope amid darkness. “Times of darkness can suddenly lead to rebirth when the light of the beautifully lit trees shines through,” Wagner said.

“This time of remembrance is an opportunity to celebrate their lives, the lessons they taught us and the legacies they left in our hearts,” Alexander concluded.

For more information about the Visiting Nurse Service & Hospice of Suffolk visit visitingnurseservice.org.

Young horseshoe crabs at West Meadow Beach, Stony Brook. File photo

By Mallie Jane Kim

Legendary conservationist Jane Goodall added her voice to those asking Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) to sign a bill that would prevent the harvest of horseshoe crabs in New York waters for biomedical or commercial fishing purposes.

Dr. Jane Goodall Photo courtesy of National Geographic

“As leaders, we have the unique ability to ensure that vulnerable species like the horseshoe crab, which has been part of our planet’s history for over 350 million years, are protected for future generations,” Goodall wrote in her plea to Hochul.

The Horseshoe Crab Protection Act passed the New York State Assembly and Senate last June, but the governor has yet to sign or veto it. If she does not sign the bill by the end of 2024, the bill is essentially vetoed and would have to go through the legislative process again next year. 

Local advocates and environmental groups who sent letters and organized postcard campaigns to motivate Hochul to call up the bill welcomed Goodall bringing her influence to the cause.  

“It’s a rare and special event when Dr. Goodall reaches out and requests New York help her in saving our planet’s endangered species,” said Adrienne Esposito, executive director of Farmingdale-based Citizens Campaign for the Environment. “Governor Hochul should heed the wisdom and vision that Dr. Goodall provides and immediately sign this important legislation.”

The pioneering primatologist, who has dedicated her life and career to protecting wildlife and the environment, pointed out in her letter the role horseshoe crabs play in coastal ecosystems as well as the food chain for migratory birds such as red knots.

Horseshoe crabs are considered “living fossils” since they have been around an estimated 450 million years, and they are more closely related to scorpions and spiders than to crustaceans. The species, which is monitored and regulated by the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation and the Atlantic States Marine Fisheries Commission, has seen a steady decline in recent decades.

Environmental advocates worry that since Connecticut and Massachusetts recently enacted stronger protections for horseshoe crabs and other neighboring states are considering rule changes, biomedical agencies may draw their attention to New York waters.

Currently the main harvesters of horseshoe crabs in New York waters are commercial fishermen, who use the animals as bait for eel and conch. 

Long Island fisheries and the Long Island Farm Bureau have asked the governor not to sign the bill as written, saying efforts in recent years to sustain the species — including limiting the annual total harvest of horseshoe crabs to 150,000 — need a chance to make a difference. They say the legislation is based on emotion rather than science.

“If [the agencies] felt that the horseshoe crab stock was in danger, we would hear about it first,” said Bonnie Brady, executive director of Montauk-based Long Island Commercial Fishing Association, in a previous conversation with TBR [“The bill has passed in Albany, but awaits governor’s signature,” Sept. 20, 2024]. “To use a law to regulate a fishery, when they are already regulated by appropriate bodies that have the science to back it, is just not the way to allow fisheries to survive.”

Goodall specifically addressed preventing the biomedical uses of horseshoe crabs’ blue blood and asserted that synthetic alternatives mean harvesting the animals is not as necessary for research and vaccine development. 

In her letter to Hochul, she appealed to a “shared sense of responsibility” for the natural world.

“I have devoted my life to preserving the planet,” Goodall wrote. “I hope together, we can make a lasting difference in this important corner of the world.”

Photo from Stony Brook Athletics

The Stony Brook women’s basketball team held Yale to just 6.2 percent from deep in a 1-for-16 shooting performance on the way to a 62-48 victory over the Bulldogs at the historic John J. Lee Amphitheater in New Haven, C.T. on Nov. 15. 

The Seawolves (2-1) had three players score in double figures, led by Janay Brantley, who scored a career-high 17 points, while adding seven rebounds. Zaida Gonzalez tacked on 15 points and six rebounds as Breauna Ware chipped in a career-high 14 points and two steals. Chloe Oliver also tallied a career-high nine points through 36 minutes of play. Brantley pulled down three offensive rebounds to lead an offense that racked up 12 second chance opportunities for Stony Brook, turning them into seven second chance points. Defensively, the Seawolves forced 17 Yale turnovers, and used those takeaways to score 13 points on the other end of the floor

“Proud of our fight and grit on the road against a very good Yale team. Road wins are never easy, and I’m happy we were able to keep our composure down the stretch and finish out the game. We were focused on getting stops on the defensive end, and I’m most proud of the multiple effort plays that disrupted their offense. This was a great step in continuing to build on our identity which centers around toughness,” noted head coach Joy McCorvey postgame.

 

The team celebrates their victory after Saturday's game. Photo courtesy of Stony Brook Athletics

The Stony Brook volleyball team earned a three-set sweep (25-22, 26-24, 25-19) against the Campbell Fighting Camels on Nov. 16 on the road at Gilbert Craig Gore Arena in Buies Creek N.C.

The victory moved the Seawolves’ record to 16-12 overall and 9-9 in CAA play to close out the regular season. Stony Brook would clinch their third-straight CAA postseason berth after securing the win.

Kali Moore finished with 14 kills on the day to lead the Seawolves as Abby Campbell, Leoni Kunz, Quinn Anderson, and Ayanna Pierre Louis each contributed to the Stony Brook attack. Defensively, Madison Cigna and Julia Patsos each tallied double figure digs with 16 and 11, respectively.

The team will head to Towson University for the CAA Championships beginning on Nov. 21. Stony Brook earned the No. 6 seed and will face the No. 3 seed with the race for the top spots still being determined in either Charleston, Delaware, Hofstra, or Towson. The match is set for 6 p.m. with coverage available on FloVolleyball.

ON FIRE: #3 CJ Luster scored 30 points during Saturday's game at Island Federal Credit Union Arena. Photo courtesy of Stony Brook Athletics

CJ Luster scored 30 points to help lead the Stony Brook men’s basketball team over St. Joseph’s (L.I.), 93-45, at home on Nov. 16. 

Luster added nine rebounds and two steals to his 30-point game to lead the Seawolves. Nick Woodard helped out with 11 points, eight rebounds and two blocks, while Joe Octave chipped in with 15 points.

Stony Brook’s defense held Saint Joseph’s (L.I.) to only 16 percent shooting from beyond the arc and 25.4 percent from the field.

After jumping out to a 13-9 advantage, Stony Brook went on a 9-0 run to increase its lead to 22-9. The Seawolves added eight points to that lead by the end of the period and entered halftime with a 40-19 advantage. Stony Brook did most of its first half damage in the paint, scoring 24 of its 40 points close to the basket.

Following the intermission, Stony Brook kept widening that lead, expanding it to 68-34 before going on a 7-0 run, finished off by Jeremiah Nyarko’s layup, to grow the lead to 75-34 with 9:18 to go in the contest. 

The Seawolves kept expanding the margin and coasted the rest of the way for the 93-45 win. Stony Brook shot well from three-point range in the second half, connecting on eight shots from deep to account for 24 of its 53 second-half points.

“Good win for us. I thought that we played hard defensively… What we were looking for tonight was elite communication, elite huddles on free throws — we had that. We are still learning each other, we are trying to make each other better. We have a lot of good players. We’ll get there,” said head coach Geno Ford postgame.

A JOLLY HAPPY SOUL 'Frosty' opens at the Engeman Theater on Nov. 23.
PROGRAMS

World Fisheries Day

Celebrate World Fisheries Day at the Cold Spring Harbor Fish Hatchery, 1660 Route 25A, Cold Spring Harbor. Come learn about the trout they raise with hatchery tours on Nov. 21 and 22 at 3:30 p.m. and Nov. 23 and 24 at 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. along with egg taking demonstrations on Nov. 23 and 24 at 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. Admission is $7 adults, $6 seniors, $5 children ages 3 to 12. 516-692-6768

First Steps in Nature

Sweetbriar Nature Center, 62 Eckernkamp Drive, Smithtown continues its First Steps in Nature series for ages 2 to 4 on Nov. 22 at 9:30 a.m. with hands-on exciting activities, crafts, stories and much more. Children will gain a greater appreciation of nature and wildlife while having fun. $20 per child. To register, visit www.sweetbriarnc.org. 631-979-6344

Growing Up Wild

Town of Brookhaven continues its nature series with Growing Up Wild at Cedar Beach Nature Center, Harbor Beach Road, Mt. Sinai on Nov. 23 at 3 pm. Join them for some fall family fun, learn about nature and take part in an activity. For ages 3 to 6. Free but registration required by emailing [email protected].

Lovely Leaves

Caleb Smith State Park Preserve, 581 W. Jericho Turnpike, Smithtown presents a family program, Lovely Leaves, on Nov. 23 from 10:30 a.m. to noon. Enjoy a short nature walk to see some common fall leaves, then create a variety of autumn leaf inspired arts and crafts! $4 per person. Reservations taken on eventbrite.com.

Sunday Funday: Treerific Trees

Join Sweetbriar Nature Center, 62 Eckernkamp Drive, Smithtown for a fun outdoor tree adventure on Nov. 24 from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. Learn about local trees and the animals who live in them while doing a craft, going on a short walk, and participating in a fun treetivity. For families with children over the age of 5. $15 per child, $5 adult. Register at www.sweetbriarnc.org. 

Story & Craft with Nana Carol

The Next Chapter bookstore, 204 New York Ave., Huntington hosts a Story and Craft event with Nana Carol on Nov. 25 at 10:30 a.m. Free. No registration required. Appropriate for ages 0-4. 631-482-5008

Secret Sirens Scavenger Hunt

From now through December, take part in a Secret Sirens Scavenger Hunt at the Whaling Museum, 301 Main St.. Cold Spring Harbor during gallery hours of Thursday to Sunday from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Join a hunt of mythic proportions as you search for hidden merfolk tails in the gallery. Discover them all and score a prize! Enjoy self-serve crafts in the workshop inspired by our new exhibit, Monsters & mermaids! Free with admission. No registration required. 631-367-3418

FILM

‘The Polar Express’

Port Jefferson Station-Terryville Chamber of Commerce presents All Aboard the Polar Express! at the Chamber Train Car, corner of Route 112 and Nesconset Highway, Port Jefferson Station on Nov. 21, 22, Dec. 5, 6, 12, 13, 19 and 20 from 6 to 8 p.m. and Nov. 23, 24, Dec. 7, 8, 14, 15, 21 and 22 at noon, 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. $20 per person includes a screening of The Polar Express, popcorn, water, a cookie and hot cocoa. To reserve your ticket, visit www.pjstchamber.com. 631-821-1313

‘The Last Starfighter’

Cinema Art Centre, 423 Park Ave., Huntington continues its Cinema for Kids series with a screening of The Last Starfighter on Nov. 24 at noon. After Earthling Alex conquers the Starfighter video game, he is recruited by alien Centauri to be part of an elite legion of fighters. Leaving behind his trailer park home for the outer regions of space, Alex becomes the last hope for the beleaguered Star League and hundreds of worlds — including Earth. Tickets are $13 adults, $5 kids. To order in advance, visit www.cinemaartscentre.org.

THEATER

‘Barnaby Saves Christmas’

Celebrate the holidays with Barnaby Saves Christmas at Theatre Three, 412 Main St., Port Jefferson from Nov. 23 to Dec. 28 with a sensory friendly performance on Nov. 24. Come join Santa, Barnaby, Franklynne and all of their friends for a wonderful holiday treat. As our littlest elf and his reindeer friend set off on their journey to save Christmas, they meet some new friends along the way and learn the true meaning of Christmas, Hanukkah, and the holiday season. All seats are $12. To order, call 631-928-9100 or visit www.theatrethree.com.

‘Frosty’

The John W. Engeman Theater, 250 Main St., Northport celebrates the return of Frosty from Nov. 23 to Dec. 29. Join Jenny and Frosty on their chilly adventures as they try to save the town of Chillsville from mean old Ethel Pierpot and her evil machine that will melt all the snow. Jenny calls on her Mom, the mayor, and all of you to help her save her home, get Frosty to the North Pole, and make this holiday season a Winter Wonderland for one and all! Tickets are $20. To order, call 631-261-2900 or visit www.engemantheater.com.

‘Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!’

Stony Brook University’s Staller Center for the Arts, 100 Nicolls Road, Stony Brook presents Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! The Musical! on the Main Stage on Nov. 24 at 3 p.m. Whatever you do, don’t let the Pigeon star in his own musical production! It’s not easy being the Pigeon-you never get to do ANYTHING! But when the bus driver has a crisis that threatens to make her passengers (gasp!) late, maybe that wily bird CAN do something. Featuring an innovative mix of song and feathers, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! The Musical! is sure to get everyone’s wings flapping. Tickets range from $16 to $31. To order, call 631-632-2787 or visit www.stallercenter.com.

Red-bellied Woodpecker. Pixabay photo

By John L. Turner

Part Two

John Turner

Of the twenty-two species found in North America (twenty-three if you’re optimistic the Ivory-billed Woodpecker still exists and who doesn’t hope that?) we have seven woodpecker species  inhabiting Long Island’s forests. 

The Pileated is the largest, being about the same size as the American Crow. It is the “Woody Woodpecker” of woodpeckers! They have begun to repopulate Long Island after a long absence, benefitting from the maturing forests of large trees in protected parks and preserves.  

I saw my first Long Island Pileated earlier this year in the Humes Preserve in northern Nassau County, when a male broke out from the tree line and flew across a long  meadow before reaching the woods on the other side, providing a five second view of this unmistakable species. Running to the point where it had re-entered the forest I enjoyed closer views of the bird banging away on the bark of a tree, interspersed with the bird’s raucous call. If you hear them on a hike, look around on tree trunks for their distinctive, rectangular-shaped excavation holes they make in search of beetle grubs, their favorite prey.   

Downy woodpecker. Pixabay photo

In contrast, the Downy Woodpecker is the smallest of the Island’s  woodpeckers and is also quite common, with almost every forest and suburban woodlot hosting a pair of Downies, where they often reveal their presence by their downward slurring “whinny” call. Recently, in a property on the west side of the Nissequogue River, I watched a pair of Downies fly into a nearby black walnut tree and perform a courtship dance. The two forms moved in jerky robotic motions responding to each other — a crazy motion following short bouts of stillness broken once again by motion. This went on for thirty seconds or so before they flew off, leaving a smile on my face.   

The Downy Woodpecker’s slightly larger cousin — the Hairy Woodpecker — is also common and widespread in New York. The Hairy prefers deeper, more intact forests than does the Downy. These two species are easily confused. One clue to distinguish them is found in the white outer tail feathers of the two species. A long time ago, as a youthful birder, I learned this clue: the Downy Woodpecker has black spots on its feather while the Hairy lacks them, which I put to memory using a mnemonic device “The Downy has dots while the Hairy hasn’t”; the Hairy’s bill is also proportionally larger.  

The most beautiful woodpecker that calls Long Island home is undoubtedly the Red-headed Woodpecker. No other woodpecker, or bird in North America for that matter, has the Red-headed’s striking color combination of a brilliant red head and black and white wings and body. Unfortunately, breeding bird data indicates this species is in fairly rapid decline in the state although the cause(s) has not been fully identified. 

Red-headed Woodpecker. Pixabay photo

One reported cause is being hit by cars due to its habit of hawking for insects flying over roads. They are a rare breeder here.  Several years ago a breeding pair nested in Manorville but seems to have vacated the area and there is currently breeding activity in the Flanders of the Pine Barrens.

It’s relative, the Red-bellied Woodpecker,  shows a reverse trend in the state, as this woodpecker, once of a more southerly distribution, has rapidly increased in abundance. In fact, in Ludlow Griscom’s 1923 Birds of the New York City Region, the Red-bellied is reported as being a very rare bird having been seen merely three times in the area, the last being in 1895. However, by the 1960’s the species was well established and has continued to expand its range northward, being a confirmed breeder in slightly more than one-third of the census blocks in the 2005 NYS Breeding Bird Atlas. The bird is now a common breeder here and its breeding range has extended as far north as mid-New England. They are found in virtually every wooded park on Long Island. 

The Northern Flicker, the males being distinguished from females by the black mustache mark they possess, is the most widespread woodpecker in New York. A lover of ants, the Flicker spends more time on the ground to feed on them than any other woodpecker. This predilection for ants, which are unavailable in the winter, is the main reason why flickers are among the most highly migratory of all woodpeckers.

I remember hiking several decades ago through a park in the Long Island Pine Barrens where a wildfire had burned off the forest floor and understory, exposing countless large ant mounds. For the next several weeks I saw Flickers commonly here, taking advantage of countless ants exposed by the fire. 

This leaves, for last, the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker, a bird that, as the name suggests, has a diet different than it’s brethren. Sapsuckers routinely drill small holes, typically parallel rows, in thin barked trees and routinely return to lap up the sap and any small insects attracted to it with their aforementioned brush-like tongues. This species doesn’t breed here, raising its young further north, but both adults and immatures can be seen on Long Island, especially during fall migration.  

There are two other woodpecker species found in New York State but not on Long Island — the Black-backed and Three-toed Woodpeckers. These are Adirondack specialties where they inhabit dense spruce forests. Both species share the basic black-and-white pattern of most other woodpeckers but instead of having red crowns possess yellow ones. They are also distinctive by the three toed feet they have rather than four. They are most abundant in forests where fire has killed swaths of  trees, setting the stage for the many beetles that feast on the dead wood. While disturbance like wildfires typically can adversely affect wildlife,  woodpeckers are a group of birds that can benefit from perturbations in the environment.   

Whether it’s their unique behavior, impressive anatomical adaptations, or ecological importance due to their cavity making abilities, the native woodpecker species of Long Island are an interesting and important part of nature’s fabric here.  Why not spend some time getting to know the species which inhabit yards, parks and woodlands in your neighborhood?

Part I of Wonderful Woodpeckers appeared in the issue of October 24. Read it here.

A resident of Setauket, author John L. Turner is a naturalist, conservation co-chair of the Four Harbors Audubon Society, and Conservation Policy Advocate for the Seatuck Environmental Association.

Lacey Chabert in a scene from 'Hot Frosty.' Photo courtesy of Netflix

Reviewed by Jeffrey Sanzel

Christmas is a time of giving: gifts, good cheer, and kind wishes. Christmas is also the time for an endless parade of holiday movies launched by every channel and streaming service. And, like a handful of coal, Netflix stuffed our stockings with the one-note, no-joke Hot Frosty. 

Writer Russell Hainline’s premise is simple. Depressed widow Kathy Barrett (Lacey Chabert), owner of Kathy’s Kafé, lives in the town of Hope Springs (subtle). Still grieving over the death of her husband to cancer, her life is falling apart: the roof leaks, the heat does not work, and she no longer cooks for herself, represented by a counter of empty takeout containers. However, other than that, she seems to be doing okay. Let’s call it grief light. 

Lacey Chabert in a scene from ‘Hot Frosty’ with Dustin Milligan. Photo courtesy of Netflix

Her friend, Mel (Sherry Miller), runs Reclaimed Rags, a second-hand clothing store across from the café. Mel gives Kathy a scarf with the “wise” advice: “You’ll never find the warmth unless you venture out into the cold.” Kathy graciously accepts the scarf but then notices that between two scarved snowmen is an Adonis-like ice sculpture without one. Feeling generous(?), she wraps the scarf around the sculpture, bringing it/him (Dustin Milligan) to life. (Don’t worry—the scarf covers the naughty bits.)

On the plus side, the adult fairy tale kicks into gear very quickly, without much backstory or exposition (or explanation). On the negative side, the adult fairy tale kicks into gear very quickly, without much backstory or exposition (or explanation). The writing is puerile, and Jerry Ciccoritti’s direction club fisted.

The animated sculpture crashes into Reclaimed Rags and steals some clothing, including a vest with the name “Jack.” Thus, he is called “Jack.” The next morning, Kathy finds Jack standing in front of the diner. Thinking he might need help—given his strange behavior—she brings him inside … because that is what one does with psychotics who say, “I was made of snow, now I’m made of not snow.” (Scintillating dialogue.) When he claims, “I’ve never had food before,” one questions why she does not call for help or simply runs screaming into the street. Instead, she takes him to the local doctor, Dottie (Katy Mixon Greer), who concludes that he might be the snowman he claims to be (for this, she went to medical school?). They agree not to take him to the police because the sheriff tends to overreact. 

Kathy moves him into her house, and the newly sentient Jack immediately falls for her. The rest of the interminable film focuses on their growing relationship and his ability to learn anything by watching television. (This includes the discovery that vampires are afraid of crosses. Very Christmasy.)

An unpleasant and fairly ugly encounter with a snow-banked cougar, Jane (Lauren Holly), concludes with Jack’s innocent punchline, “Do you want me to get behind you and push?” Fortunately, this thread goes nowhere besides landing Jack a maintenance job at the middle school. The majority of his work is decorating the gym for the winter dance.

The film is a mix of styles—like a Christmas gift bag of assorted pointy objects. (Each is different, but all are painful in their own ways.) The occasional joke that lands is a holiday miracle. (Though a Mean Girls reference is pretty smart.) There are two montages because one is not nauseatingly enough. 

A grating subplot focuses on the sheriff hunting for the person who smashed the clothing store’s glass. The officer is a parody of a spoof of a send-up of a take-off on small-town law enforcement. In a film of mostly poor moments, the usually hilarious Craig Robinson is saddled with some of the most eggnog-curdling dialogue in this (or any) film: “You can’t buy me breakfast. It might influence the investigation.” (Hilarious.) Joe Lo Truglio’s deputy sheriff makes Barney Fife look like Hamlet’s Horatio. The café/ice cube scene might rank as the unfunniest bit in holiday history.

Chabert and Milligan work well together, play it straight enough, and do not lack charm. But the material is so painfully underdeveloped and wrong-headed that they cannot mine a moment of tension in the ninety minutes. His declarations like “I still don’t understand how all of this is happening, but I am so glad you were the one who found me” are only matched by his constant statement of “I love you.” Will she say it back? Can she? Is she ready? (Spoiler alert. Yes.)

Corralling the underdeveloped townspeople, the film builds to a lazy finale—a Frosty the Snowman/E.T./It’s a Wonderful Life rip-off. (Yes, they can claim homage to the last one, but it is not.) A strong cast fails to shovel this slushy mess. (Even the outtake bloopers are not funny.)

Perhaps the film has created a new sub-genre: the Frenetically Lugubrious Christmas Fantasy Rom-Uncom. (Ho-Ho-No, Thank you.) Next year, instead of holiday fare like Hot Frosty, Netflix, please just give us the cheese-of-the month club.