Village Beacon Record

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With nearly 2 feet of snow covering the North Shore of Long Island, it’s important to remember that shoveling it can be a strenuous task for both the young and old. 

While freshly fallen snow looks pretty, it gets ugly fast when it piles up preventing us from getting to work, school or the supermarket. 

In order to get back to our daily tasks, the bottom line is we have to shovel. But shoveling can lead to not only minor aches and pains, but unfortunate situations such as heart attacks or death. 

This week alone with the most recent nor’easter, there were three blizzard-related deaths on Long Island — two in Syosset and one in Cutchogue. 

According to data analyzed in a 2019 Washington Post story, shoveling during snowstorms is responsible for about 11,500 injuries — 100 of which on average are fatal. 

However, Catholic Health Physician Partners cardiologist, Dr. Chong Park, gave his insight on how to prevent heading to the hospital while cleaning up your property. 

Park suggested doing a 10-minute warm-up before going outside.

“Light exercise and stretching allow your muscles and joints to loosen,” he said. “Also, avoid eating a heavy meal and consuming alcohol prior to clearing snow.”

Park added, “Should symptoms such as chest pain, chest heaviness, palpitations or shortness of breath occur as you shovel snow, stop immediately and seek medical attention.”

Other tips from Park include:

Dress properly: To stay warm when you’re outside, wear several loose layers of clothing. Additionally, don a water-resistant coat and boots along with a knit hat, scarf and gloves. It’s important to keep your gloves as dry as possible while shoveling. Wet gloves won’t keep your hands warm.

Set your pace: You may want to clear the snow as fast as possible, but that’s when injuries occur. Go slow and do it step-by-step. As much as possible, push snow along the ground. Use a smaller snow shovel to avoid lifting a load that is too heavy. 

Be sure to take frequent breaks, return inside to warm up and consume plenty of water. It’s also important to clear snow as quickly as possible before it begins to melt and gets too heavy.

Good form: When lifting snow, it’s important to use your legs. Bending at the waist can lead to an injury. Keep your back straight and squat with your knees wide. Avoid tossing snow. Instead, walk it to where you want to dump it.

Avoid falls: Wear boots with slip-resistant soles. Once you have cleared your driveway and walkway, throw down salt or sand to eliminate any remaining ice or snow and enhance traction.

So, please follow our motto, “Snow: Handle with care.”

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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

We are stuck in a headline and news cycle rut. Please find below some fantasy headlines, and the sources or unlikeliest of sources, for those news flashes.

— “Kardashian women decide not to show any more skin” – People Magazine. In the interests of encouraging people to dress appropriately for winter weather and to draw attention to their ideas rather than their bodies, the Kardashians decide that revealing less of their over-exposed bodies will aid society.

— “President Biden had a great day” – The New York Post. Granted, President Biden hasn’t exactly created a stellar track record in his first year in office – the withdrawal from Afghanistan clearly could have gone better – but the The New York Post seems intent on providing a steady stream of stories excoriating him for everything.

— “Former President Trump tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth” – The Washington Post. Fond of fact checking the former president, the Washington Post would certainly attract attention with a fact check that suggests the former leader of the free world was being honest.

— “Senator McConnell itching to approve Biden’s Supreme Court pick” – The New York Times. Using unnamed sources, of course, the Times could break one of the biggest stories of the decade if McConnell somehow signaled that he was eager to give a liberal Supreme Court nominee the benefit of the doubt and his full support.

— “Giants and Jets get A’s for effort” – New York Daily News. It seems obvious and easy to pick on losing sports teams, particularly those that haven’t delivered for rabid fans for years. Hometown papers could recognize the effort, even if the results aren’t there.

— “We don’t really know, but look out your window” – the Weather Channel. I give weather.com credit for calling last weekend’s nor’easter well. About five days before a single flake fell, they knew that a big storm had the potential to form and dump tons of snow in the area. They were right. Then again, all of that technology doesn’t always play out scenarios accurately. It’d be funny and fitting if they said on the air, “big storm could be coming our way. Or not.”

— “Inflation totally under control” – CNBC. Despite evidence to the contrary at the gas pump, in the supermarket and just about anywhere people have to pay for goods or services, wouldn’t it be great if inflation somehow, magically, came under control, giving the Fed the chance to stay on the sidelines for an economy still recovering from the pandemic?

— “Fauci appreciates the respect and support of Senator Rand Paul” — Reuters. Okay, so, this may be among the least likely of the headlines, but, wouldn’t it be nice/ shocking if the two doctors somehow were on the same page?

— “Spirit of bipartisanship sweeps through Washington” – Politico. Yeah, sure, we can dream. Dems and Repubs aren’t seeing eye to eye on anything. In fact, they seem to be energizing their bases by attacking the other side. Still, the day such a report came out would indeed be a chance to celebrate.

— “Children rediscover books” – Apple News Spotlight. Disenchanted with electronics, children around the world left social media for a day and enjoyed interacting with characters like Horton, Mr. Tumnus, Meg Murry, Alec Ramsey and Emma Woodhouse.

— “Hero scientists behind life saving vaccines” – Fox News. Despite some members of conservative media taking vaccines to protect themselves and their families, they and their guests sometimes praise those who resist vaccines and question the legitimacy of the vaccines for others.

The Fall of the Berlin Wall, 1989. Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

Here comes Russia again. I am of the generation of children that took refuge from an imaginary atomic bomb attack from Russia by pulling our coats over our heads and crouching under our desks. We grew up with the Cold War always threatening Soviet aggression on both foreign and domestic soils. Were there Communist cells, funded by Russia, hidden among us that could erupt at any time? McCarthy whipped the nation to a fever pitch. The United States and the Soviet Union raced each other to influence governments and people, ideologically and financially, all over the globe. 

I still remember the relief I felt, going to the old Metropolitan Opera House in 1959, to view a performance by members of the Bolshoi Ballet, who came to America bringing not only the most breathtaking dancers but also tangible evidence of detente. And then the Berlin Wall came down. I was there. At least I was there in 1989, six weeks before they broke through to West Berlin. I walked No Man’s Land, the barren stretch between East and West Berlin, with cameras trained on anyone who would start the crossing between those two universes, seeking permission from the guards to go behind the Iron Curtain. 

I was in the Russian Embassy in Washington D.C. in 1991 with a small group of journalists, being feted with caviar and blinis, when word came that the Soviet Union had crumbled, and then the embassy personnel cried. “The end of a dream,” they sobbed. The end of a nightmare, I thought, as they led us to the exits and fell upon the sumptuous food we left behind. Mikhail Gorbachev won the Nobel Prize, the Russian people were real, not just the Evil Empire, and co-existence was finally possible. In a couple of years our attention turned to jihadists.

Now Russia is dramatically back in our lives. The Russia that for centuries had sought warm water ports and had ruled Crimea for 134 years until 1917. The Russia that again annexed Crimea, a part of Ukraine since 1954 and of an independent Ukraine since 1991, with armed intervention in 2014. The Russia that has now lined up reputedly over 100,000 troops on three sides of the Ukraine border, and with aggressive leadership is making demands.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is insisting that Ukraine not be allowed to join NATO, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization initially formed after WWII as a protection against potential Soviet aggression, that has grown as more Eastern European countries have joined. Putin insists it is a security issue to have bordering Ukraine a NATO member. He also wants military exercises in nearby NATO states to cease and for offensive weapons to be removed from those NATO countries.

So where do we come into the picture?

“It seems to me that the United States does not care that much about Ukrainian security—maybe they think about it somewhere in the background,” Putin said in his news conference. “But their main task is to restrict the development of Russia.”

By “development,” the concern is that Putin wishes to restore the former Soviet empire and that, after Crimea, Ukraine would be the next step. Students of history will remember the lessons of the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia and the “spheres of influence” imposed by the Yalta Conference (in ironically Crimea). Meanwhile, Putin, with his soldiers and weapons at the ready, is accusing the U.S. of threatening Russia. White House press secretary, Jen Psaki, likened Putin’s comments to “when the fox is screaming from the top of the henhouse that he’s scared of the chickens.”

Now, as of yesterday, the decision has been made to send several thousand troops to Poland, Germany and Romania. Presumably they are meant to show support for NATO and for the principle that countries may decide which alliances they will enter.

Meanwhile everyone concerned, including Putin, has embraced the idea of diplomacy as a path to a Ukrainian solution. For the moment, at least, the spotlight has moved away from constant COVID.

Following the blizzard that battered Brookhaven Town this past weekend, Holtsville Hal’s 2022 prognostication was welcome news for many. After awaking from his slumber, Hal brushed the snow aside to emerge from his burrow and did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring for the Town of Brookhaven. The virtual event was livestreamed on the Holtsville Ecology Site’s Facebook page on Groundhog Day, Feb. 2.

According to tradition, if a groundhog sees its shadow on Groundhog Day, there will be six more weeks of winter weather; if not, spring should arrive early.

“After this weekend’s blizzard, I’m sure we are all looking forward to spring arriving on time and keeping our fingers crossed that our resident weatherman maintains his accuracy,” said Superintendent of Highways Daniel Losquadro. 

“Regardless, the Brookhaven Highway Department remains ready to handle whatever else Mother Nature sends our way during these remaining few weeks of winter.”

Above, Town of Brookhaven Highway Superintendent Dan Losquadro with Holtsville Hal’s handler, Greg Drossel, revealing Hal’s 2022 prognostication.

Photos courtesy of Town of Brookhaven

The following incidents have been reported by the Suffolk County Police:

Centereach

■A petit larceny was reported at Walmart on Middle Country Road in Centereach on Jan. 21. A man allegedly stole a 55” Samsung flat screen television valued at just over $400.

■Walmart on Middle Country Road in Centereach reported that a man allegedly stole a 65”Samsung flat screen television valued at just under $600 and an Vankyo projector screen valued at $240 on Jan. 18.

Commack

A store manager at Ulta Beauty on Veterans Highway in Commack reported that three men allegedly stole 21 assorted perfumes including Gucci, Dior and Chanel on Jan. 21. The value of the merchandise was valued at $2000.

■ CVS on Commack Road in Commack reported that a person took two shopping bags full of assorted cold medicine without paying on Jan. 18. The items were valued at approximately $500.

■ Target on Veterans Memorial Highway in Commack called police on Jan. 21 to report a petit larceny. A man and a woman allegedly used a magnetic key to unlock all the merchandise protection in electronic department. Five Nintendo Switch games, one ps5 game, three Xbox games, one Xbox wireless controller, and two Xbox terabyte hard drives. The merchandise was valued at just under $1000.

Farmingdale

Suffolk County Police Major Case Unit detectives are investigating a robbery that occurred at an East Farmingdale bank on Jan. 23. A man allegedly entered TD Bank, located at 90 Broadhollow Road, at approximately 12:35 p.m., jumped over the counter and demanded cash from a teller. The teller complied and the man fled the bank on foot. The man was described as Black, approximately 5 feet 11 inches to 6 feet tall, wearing dark clothing and a mask.

Greenlawn

First Presbyterian Church on Pulaski Road in Greenlawn reported that someone allegedly stole communion plates and cupholders valued at $75 on Jan. 21. 

Huntington

A catalytic converter was stolen from a 2007 Honda Accord parked in front of an apartment building on Dewey Street in Huntington on Jan. 18. 

A man called the police on Jan. 17 to report that a catalytic converter was stolen from his 2007 Honda CRV on Fairmount Street in Huntington. The vehicle had been parked across the street from his apartment.

A resident on Highview Drive in Huntington Bay called police on Jan. 17 to report a 2019 White BMW valued at approximately $20,000 had been stolen. 

Huntington Station

Ulta Beauty in the Huntington Shopping Center on Walt Whitman Road in Huntington Station reported that two people allegedly stole $2000 worth of fragrances on Jan. 22.

Sam Ash Music Stores on Old Whitman Road in Huntington Station reported a man allegedly stole a Taylor 214ce DLX guitar electric guitar valued at approximately $1600 on Dec. 30, 2021.

Macy’s at the Walt Whitman mall in Walt Whitman Road in Huntington Station reported a petit larceny on Jan. 21. A woman allegedly stole six men’s coats valued at approximately $700.

Sno-Haus Ski and Snowboard Shop on West Jericho Turnpike in Huntington Station reported that a man allegedly stole Fire +Ice ID ski jacket on Jan. 20. The jacket was valued at approximately $500.

Lake Grove

■Ulta Beauty on Nesconset Highway in Lake Grove that man and a woman allegedly stole 11 Dior men’s cologne bottles on Jan. 22. The value of the items was approximately $1200.

Melville

A woman parked her vehicle in a lot on the North Service Road of the LIE in Melville on Jan. 21. When she returned the front passenger side window was found broken and her handbag had been stolen containing a wallet, license and credit cards. 

Selden

■Target at Independence Plaza on Middle Country Road in Selden reported that a woman allegedly stole six boxes of diapers valued at approximately $270 on Jan. 20.

South Setauket

■Target on Pond Path in South Setauket called police on Jan 20 to report that a man allegedly stole 26 cans of baby formula valued at approximately $460.

■Target on Pond Path in South Setauket called police on Jan 22 to report a petit larceny. Someone allegedly stole Enfamil baby formula, paper towels and bath towels valued at approximately $700. 

■Stop and Shop in South Setauket reported a woman allegedly stole 5 bags of EZ Peel Shrimp valued at approximately $120 on Jan. 18.

■Best Buy on Pond Path in South Setauket called police to report a petit larceny on Jan. 18. A man allegedly walked out of the store with an iRobot Roomba s9+ vacuum without paying. The item was valued at approximately $850.

Stony Brook

■A resident on Quaker Path in Stony Brook reported that her vehicle was broken into on Jan. 18. Cash, gift cards, checks and a change purse were stolen

— COMPILED BY HEIDI SUTTON

 

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When reading a police blotter — such as the one on page A6 — some people may be surprised at some of the incidents that occur in our towns and villages.

Take, for example, cars being broken into and the purses and laptops that were on one of the seats being stolen. Or people going around checking to see if a car door is open and, if it is, going inside the vehicle to see if there is anything valuable. Sometimes these incidents even involve teenagers seeing if they can find some loose change in the cupholder.

Police officers can’t be everywhere so the odds of one being nearby while someone is breaking a car window are next to impossible. And if someone is checking to see if a door is open, how are officers supposed to know if the vehicle belongs to the person or not?

When they are called to the scene, think of all the more serious incidents they are being taken away from to fill out a report for one that could have been prevented.

People who have grown up in a city know the golden rule, which is to lock doors, whether to a house or a car. It doesn’t matter if people are outside or inside their homes or vehicles. It can be as simple as that to reduce minor incidents in our communities. Also, valuables should never be left in plain sight in the car. If there is no choice, they should be put in the trunk, out of view.

Of course, we live in an imperfect world and crimes are going to happen even when people are careful.

TBR News Media has always encouraged neighborhood watches. In the early days of our media organization, The Village Times started the Neighborhood Watch in Suffolk County. Our editor at the time, Ann Fossan, was familiar with the Neighborhood Watch program from her home state of California. The program is easy enough to institute. Neighbors looking out their windows or walking down their driveways might spy an unfamiliar car or unknown person engaged in some inexplicable activity. They would then be encouraged by the police to call the nonemergency number of the local precinct and report it. The police do not feel they would be unnecessarily bothered; they welcome the cooperation of the public in order to do their jobs.

To work together as a neighborhood, the residents need to know how to alert each other. That means inviting neighbors over to a block leader’s home for coffee and exchanging phone numbers. In this way, people get to know their neighbors and, if there is a problem, everyone is alerted. Each block needs a block captain.

The result of our project was the alliance of 70 neighborhood groups which included 700 local families. At the time, teenage boys were going around checking to see if sliding patio doors on homes were open and, when they were, they would enter and commit theft. After establishing the Neighborhood Watch, the incidents decreased significantly.

Retirees can be especially effective with their oversight of local houses and streets from their homes.

Just the simple act of people being aware and mindful can make a difference. Frequently, discussions surround the fact that we need to show more support for law enforcement. This is one way to do that. Don’t aid and abet would-be criminals with careless behavior. Lock your doors and watch over your neighbors.

Shoreham-Wading River junior Tim Manzello looks for the rebound for the Wildcats in a league VI home game against Bayport-Blue Point Jan 28. Bill Landon photo

Bayport-Blue Point at 6-2 was too much for Shoreham-Wading River where the Wildcats fell 62-32 in a league VI matchup Jan. 28. Senior Liam Leonard’s pair of three pointers and Joey Marchese’s three field goals led the Wildcats with six points apiece, Aidan Clifford followed with five and Joey Marchese netted four. The Wildcats retake the court with a road game at Mt. Sinai Feb 3 with tip-off scheduled for 6:30 p.m.

Photos by Bill Landon 

The Drowned Meadow House was once home to a family of Culper Spies during the Revolutionary War making it a local historical structure. Photo by Julianne Mosher

The Village of Port Jefferson is looking to turn the Drowned Meadow House into a museum.

Located on the corner of West Broadway and Barnum Avenue, the small, gray-colored structure is a piece of Port Jefferson history that many say needs to be recognized.

“This building is a surviving Revolutionary War structure, and we feel that alone is absolutely fabulous,” said Georgette Grier-Key, historian and consultant to the project, during the Jan. 18 Board of Trustees meeting. “But we also cannot negate the fact that the historical landscape, and the cultural resources of the village is very unique and rare.”

Grier-Key went on to speak about the history of the Roe family, along with the other Roe structures and places in the village that had a significant impact on American history — particularly the American Revolution.

The Revolutionary War-era Roe House, now known as the Drowned Meadow House, was originally constructed circa 1760. Phillips Roe, a member of the Culper Spy Ring, was known to have lived there. 

During the virtual presentation, the historian broke down what the plan is to make the house an official museum, along with a 501(c)(3) nonprofit certification.

“The reason that museums are important is because they are incorporated under education law,” she said. “So, we are an extension of the education system, we have that charge, and it allows us to do things very differently.”

Mayor Margot Garant noted that the cottage is the sister building to the current chamber of commerce building. Brothers Nathaniel and Phillips Roe owned the properties in the 18th century.

With the help of village historian, the late Robert Sisler, both structures were saved as they were known to be special. Eventually, in 2013, a letter was found that verified the brothers were in fact part of the Culper Spy Ring — a local network of spies active during the Revolutionary War organized by Major Benjamin Tallmadge and Gen. George Washington during the British occupation of New York City.

“That letter, known as the ‘Letter of Significance’ comments about the brothers Roe, and how the spy ring intelligence is coming directly from them,” Garant said. “The letter confirms the village’s history and bring us front and center to Washington’s Culper Spy Ring.”

Grier-Key added that people have come from all over the world to look at these letters.

“As we continue to move the building forward in a fashion that is self-contained, and proves it can handle itself as a museum, we foresee a strong educational future,” Grier-Key said.

She added that over the years, the community locally and at large have accepted the building and love it. Collections have been compiled, too, of what Phillips Roe’s life would have looked like during that time, thanks to dozens of donations of various valuable artifacts. 

Showcases of what clothing looked like, thanks to the late Nan Guzzetta and her collection, would be another exhibit the museum would host.

Mark Sternberg, another local historian working on the project, disclosed that many documents and further proof that the brothers were instrumental in the spy ring, and the war, have been discovered as recently as this summer and would be part of the first exhibit at the museum.

“We’re continuing to uncover documents to put the structure in the middle of the George Washington’s Spy Ring,” said historian Chris Ryon. “Now everybody knows Port Jefferson as a shipbuilding community, but it’s more than that — it’s a nation building community.”

Grier-Key added that the plan to gain museum distinction of the cottage is a continuous five-year plan. 

“2026 is a very important year for us and for our country, that we have the 250th anniversary celebration of the American Revolution,” she said, adding that the museum could help bring business Down Port by shopping and eating after a visit.

The presentation was read to the village board to start a plan to help get the museum designation, as it has to go to the New York State Board of Regents to get a charter and become a museum. 

Although the cottage hasn’t been sitting vacant all this time and has been transformed during the holiday season, it transforms into Santa’s Workshop as part of the Dickens Festival, the building would have to be dedicated to a year-round basis of having archival exhibits and interactive learning programs.

And the next step is for Grier-Key to send out a proposal to start the charter process. 

“As Port Jefferson village continues to modernize, being able to retain — and not only retain but celebrate our history and put that at the forefront,” said trustee Rebecca Kassay. “This is one that we feel very strongly about not letting change, only in the sense that we’re inviting this great team and inviting more people to learn and engage in the origin of this village as in reference to the Revolutionary time period.”

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PSEG Long Island is prepared for the strong winds and heavy snow that may potentially hit the service area Friday night through Saturday.

Depending on how the storm tracks, snow accumulations could range between 6 and 20 inches. The forecast also predicts strong winds with the possibility of peak gusts of up to 65 mph – conditions that could break tree limbs, pull down wires and cause outages.

“PSEG Long Island continues to monitor this nor’easter, and we are prepared to respond,” said Michael Sullivan, vice president of Transmission & Distribution at PSEG Long Island. “We have performed system and logistic checks, and have additional personnel at the ready. However the storm tracks, our crews will safely restore any outages as quickly as these wintry conditions allow.”

More than 900 line workers, tree trimmers, surveyors and other utility personnel will be dedicated to the restoration on Saturday.

During this storm, PSEG Long Island may use an enhancement to its outage communications process to increase the accuracy of estimated times of restoration (ETRs). With this enhancement, customers contacting the Call Center early in the storm may receive an “Assessing Conditions” message rather than an ETR message. This will allow crews to assess storm impact first to provide more precise ETRs. For more information about this new process, visit https://www.psegliny.com/outages/estimatedrestorationtimes.

COVID-19-related storm processes remain in place to ensure the health and safety of employees and the public. To that end, we ask that customers remain in their homes when crews are working nearby. If customers must speak with our crews, we ask them to practice responsible “physical distancing” and remain at least 6 feet away. For more information about how PSEG Long Island continues to live up to its commitment to safety during the pandemic, please visit www.psegliny.com/covid19.

Customers are asked to note the important storm safety tips below and to visit https://www.psegliny.com/safetyandreliability/stormsafety for additional storm preparation information.

Customer Safety:

  • Downed wires should always be considered “live.” Please stay away from them, and do not drive over or stand near them. It is best to maintain a distance of at least 30 feet from a downed power line. To report a downed wire, call PSEG Long Island’s 24-hour electric service number at 800-490-0075 or call 911.
  • Electric current passes easily through water. If you encounter a pool of slush or standing water, stop, back up and choose another path. And remember, downed lines are not easy to see in snow.
  • Never use a generator, pressure washer, or any gasoline-powered engine inside your home, basement, or garage or less than 20 feet from any window, door, or vent. Use an extension cord that is more than 20 feet long to keep the generator at a safe distance.

Stay connected:

  • Report an outage and receive status updates by texting OUT to PSEGLI (773454). You can also report your outage through our app, our website at www.psegliny.com/outages or with your voice using the Amazon Alexa or Google Assistant app on your smartphone.
  • To report an outage or downed wire, call PSEG Long Island’s 24-hour Electric Service number at 800-490-0075.
  • Follow PSEG Long Island on Facebook and Twitter to report an outage and for updates before, during and after the storm.
  • Visit PSEG Long Island’s MyPower map for the latest in outage info, restoration times and crew locations across Long Island and the Rockaways at https://mypowermap.psegliny.com/

# # #

PSEG Long Island

PSEG Long Island operates the Long Island Power Authority’s transmission and distribution system under a long-term contract. PSEG Long Island is a subsidiary of Public Service Enterprise Group Inc. (PSEG) (NYSE:PEG), a publicly traded diversified energy company.

Photo from Facebook

By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

Even when I’m squinting through a deluge that floods my front windshield, I can see sprinklers on timers, throwing water on lawns drenched with rain.

That image captures the sometimes feckless nature of the routine and periodic token efforts we engage in and that reflect our modern reality.

To that end, I thought I’d share similar similes and phrases to capture the moment.

Like a pencil on an airplane. Sure, pencils are helpful when doing crossword puzzles. On a plane on the way to another country, though, pencils serve no purpose in filling out the necessary paperwork to enter customs. When my family travels, I pack black and blue pens in my carry-on bag.

Like a mask worn around the chin. Exhausted from wearing masks, people have dropped these potentially protective pieces of equipment to their chins, even after they are done eating or drinking. These masks, while visible, are only effective at hiding double chins.

Like a concerned automated voice on a customer service line. I have been on far too many calls where it’s clear the company has no interest in allowing me to speak to an actual person. After pushing 18 buttons and waiting through music that makes Kenny G sound like a symphony, a sickly sweet voice tells me how important my call is to “us,” which sounds suspiciously like a corporate version of a dystopian leadership. If my call were truly important, I wouldn’t have to wait over an hour for someone to pick up the phone, tell me she can’t hear me, and suggest I call back later.

Like an expired coupon. Sometimes, I think the coupons I get in the mail have either expired before they arrive or, like a message to Ethan Hunt in the Mission: Impossible movie franchise, will self destruct in five seconds. That way, I’ll get the offer for something that piques my interest, like half off a turkey sandwich, and then I’ll have to pay full price as sympathetic store clerks tell me they’d be happy to throw the expired discount in the garbage, which is really the most they can do.

Like another set of incomprehensible instructions. Do you ever struggle with the directions to assemble something, staring at pictures of objects that often look nothing like the assortment of pieces assembled in front of you? These instructions use vocabulary that doesn’t make sense for objects that aren’t in the packaging.

Like someone else’s garbage when I’m carrying dog poop. My big dog makes huge poops that rival the stink of a train or airport bathroom amid extensive weather delays. While holding my nose, I pass my neighbors’ garbage cans on the street. Tempted as I might be to drop the double-knotted bag into their can, I carry the prized stink bomb back to my own garbage can.

Like a phone going off in a forest. Unlike the question of whether a proverbial tree makes a sound if no one in a forest hears it fall, I’m convinced I would hear a phone going off in a forest, especially if I were in the middle of a nap or about to write the best phrase of my life that the electroshock sound would delete from my rattled brain.

Like another chat with “Jeopardy!” host Ken Jennings. Is it me or does Jennings seem anxious Amy Schneider may threaten to eclipse his record win streak on the show? His conversations with the contestants seem especially stilted and awkward. In an answer that borrows from the game’s format: the adjective Jennings most often uses when he doesn’t know what else to say and he’s run out of forced laughter. The answer: What is “fantastic?”