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Inside the Suffolk County Correctional Facility in Yaphank. File photo by Kevin Redding

By Nancy Marr

New York is home to one of the largest prison populations in the nation. Nine thousand New Yorkers are currently serving life sentences, with 10,000 who have sentences of ten or more years in prison, according to a report issued by The Sentencing Project. Despite overwhelming evidence that incarceration is one of the least effective strategies to improve public safety, New York taxpayers spend three billion dollars a year incarcerating people. 

The Center for Community Alternatives (CCA), founded in 1981 by Marsha Weissman and directed since 2015 by David Condliffe, is part of a statewide network of direct services, advocacy and organizing groups and directly impacted people and their families, founded with the belief that solutions to poverty, addiction and violence rest in communities, not incarceration. In addition to working with prisoners and their families to provide court support and advocacy, sentencing mitigation and re-entry advocacy, it supports the creation of rehabilitative programs that support re-entry of incarcerated people into their communities. It has worked with New York State legislators to write bills that advocate for reform of drug laws expanding earned time, allowing a second look at a prisoner’s sentence, and an end to mandatory minimum sentencing.

Three pieces of legislation that have been introduced and are in committee would support prisoners’  reintegration and re-entry: The Earned Time Act, introduced by Jeremy Cooney (S.774) and Anna Kelles (A.1128), and now in the Corrections Committee, would expand eligibility for merit time earned for participating in vocational, educational, and rehabilitative  programs. 

New York is behind other states where people can gain earned time allowances, and where earned time programming and job-training has resulted in a notable reduction in recidivism. The Act would expand the access to educational programs for persons who are eligible, offered by many colleges as online and in- person classes to students.  (During the 1990’s New York State slashed programs for incarcerated people by eliminating financial aid for them, and decimating college programs held in prison.) By incentivizing good behavior and program participation, the Earned Time Act would provide correctional offices with tools to help reduce conflict within the prison. 

The Second Look Act, submitted by Julia Salazar (S.321) and Latrice Walker (A.531), now in the Codes Committee, would allow incarcerated persons to petition for re-sentencing if they have already served a certain amount of time, permitting a new judge to revisit and possibly reduce sentences for prisoners after they have served ten years, or over half of their sentences (if their sentence is more than a decade). 

The law would create a presumption that resentencing will be granted if the person is over 55 years old or was under 25 years old at the time the crime occurred. There are over 8,000 people in New York prisons today over the age of 50 and  44% of New Yorkers in state prisons who struggle with chronic health conditions. Those who are serving lengthy sentences have no opportunity  to demonstrate to a judge that they have changed after years in prison, or that, given changed laws and norms, the sentence is no longer appropriate. 

Decades-long prison terms have become the norm in New York. Every year, 1,000 people are sentenced to ten or more years in prison, and 5,000 people have been there for fifteen years or longer. 

The Marvin Mayfield Act, sponsored by Zellnor Myrie (S.6471A) and Gregory Meeks (A.2036), now in the Codes Committee, would eliminate the mandatory minimum sentences for prisons, jail, and probation. They began in the 1970’s for drug offenders with the Rockefeller Drug Laws but were  expanded to cover non-drug-related cases; they contribute to the pleas whereby prisoners forfeit their rights  to a trial. The law would allow judges to consider the individual factors and mitigating circumstances in a case before sentencing. 

The CCA is looking for support for these initiatives to come out of committee by June to be considered by the Governor for this year’s budget.  For more information,  visit CommunitiesNotCagesNY.org or CommunityAlternatives.org. 

Nancy Marr is Vice-President of the League of Women Voters of Suffolk County, a nonprofit nonpartisan organization that encourages the informed and active participation of citizens in government and influences public policy through education and advocacy.

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Cherry Filled Crepes

By Heidi Sutton

What better way to celebrate Presidents’ Day on Feb. 17 than with delicious cherry-inspired recipes in salute of George Washington’s birthday!

Martha Washington’s Cherry Bread and Butter Pudding

Recipe courtesy of Martha Washington

Martha Washington’s Cherry Bread and Butter Pudding

YIELD: Makes 6 servings

INGREDIENTS: 

12 slices white bread (Pepperidge Farm or similar works best)

Butter or margarine

Cinnamon

10-oz. cherry preserves

4 eggs

2 and 2/3 cups milk

2 tablespoons of sugar

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Spray an 8 x 8 x 2-in pan with nonstick cooking spray. Cut crusts from 12 slices white bread or leave crusts on, depending on your preference. Spread butter on one side of each slice. Arrange 4 slices bread in bottom of dish and sprinkle each lightly with cinnamon. Spread a spoonful of cherry preserves on each slice. Repeat, making two more layers. Beat eggs in a medium mixing bowl. Add milk and sugar and stir until well mixed. Pour over bread and bake for 60 to 70 minutes, or until top is golden brown and the custard is set. Serve warm from the oven or serve cold.

Cherry Filled Crepes

Recipe courtesy of Milk Means More

Cherry Filled Crepes

YIELD: Makes 8 crepes

INGREDIENTS: 

For the Cherry Sauce:

16-ounce bag frozen unsweetened tart cherries

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup water, divided

2 tablespoons cornstarch

For the Crepes:

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon sugar

1 1/2 cups milk

4 eggs

3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Powdered sugar, for dusting

DIRECTIONS:

To make the cherry sauce, bring the cherries, sugar, and 1/2 cup water to a boil in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Whisk the remaining 1/4 cup of water and cornstarch and a small bowl until smooth and add to the boiling cherries. Return the mixture to a boil, stirring often, and cook until thickened. Remove from the heat and keep warm. 

To make the crepes, add all of the ingredients to a blender and puree until the mixture is smooth. Let the batter rest for 10 minutes at room temperature.

Heat a crepe pan or 12-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat and lightly coat with butter. Using a 1/3 cup measure, add batter to the pan and quickly swirl it around to completely cover the bottom of the pan evenly. Cook until the underside of the crepe is golden brown, about 3 minutes.  Loosen an edge of the crepe with a rubber spatula, then using the spatula and your fingertips, quickly flip. Cook another minute more. Slide the crepe out of the pan and repeat with the remaining batter, coating the pan with more butter as needed. 

To serve, lay two crepes open on a plate. Spoon a couple of tablespoons of the cherry sauce into the center of each crepe. Fold over each side to close the crepes. Add a little more cherry sauce to the top, then sprinkle with powdered sugar.

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By Thomas M. Cassidy

Thomas M. Cassidy

As a former senior investigator for the New York State Attorney General’s Office who spent twenty years investigating health fraud, I was truly annoyed when I discovered how hospitals are paid, and not paid, by insurers and individuals.

Keep in mind that hospitals are required by federal law to provide emergency care and stabilize all patients regardless of a patient’s ability to pay. As a result, hospitals provide more than $40 billion a year in unpaid care for patients who can’t afford to pay their hospital bill.  When patients don’t pay for their hospital care, those costs are shifted to health insurers who are charged higher rates by hospitals to make up for the losses from non-paying patients.

However, uncompensated hospital care is not shared equally by private and government health insurers. According to a study by the Rand Corporation, private plans pay hospitals 241% more than Medicare for the same service. This amounts to a sneaky tax on the 216 million Americans covered by private insurance plans.

American taxpayers fund all or part of government health insurers such as Medicare and Medicaid. Yet, the American Hospital Association reports that hospitals received payments of only 82 cents for every dollar that was spent on Medicare patients in 2022. I get it. Medicare negotiates rates for more than 60 million people, and they squeeze every drop of leverage out of hospital administrators.

But wait, why are American workers being forced to pay higher premiums for their private health insurance when they are also funding the government plans? Whoa, wait a minute! That would be like selling a car for $50,000, but if you were a stockholder in the company the same car would cost more than $100,000. It sounds ridiculous, because it is. Especially, when a commonsense solution is within reach.

Simplify hospital reimbursement rates by having Medicare negotiate the same rate for all private and government insurers as a volume purchaser for 330 million Americans. By negotiating fair and reasonable reimbursement rates with just one insurer, hospitals would save money by reducing the number of administrators and consultants that are needed to negotiate with numerous private and government health insurers year after year.

Hospitals throughout the United States are in dire economic straits due to workforce shortages, inflation, cyber-attacks, unfunded government mandates and oppressive bureaucratic regulations. For example, the American Hospital Association reported in September 2024, “Recent data from Strata Decision Technology show that administrative costs now account for more than 40% of total expenses hospitals incur in delivering care to patients.” 

A Medicare, “one-size-fits-all,” hospital reimbursement program would streamline administrative costs, save taxpayer money, reduce health insurance premiums and ensure that America’s hospitals remain best in class. 

Thomas M. Cassidy, an economist, is the author and creator of the independent feature film, Manhattan South, which is in development. (ktpgproductions.com)

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Stony Brook University. File photo

This month, Stony Brook University anticipates the induction of a new president: an exciting time for students. Who will this new leader be and how will they shape the school? What do they have planned for the bustling university? What expertise do they bring? 

Simultaneously, the fate of the monetary foundation of SBU’s research is uncertain. The new president will be stepping into the role amidst changes that would redefine the school’s research aspirations. New York had previously received $5 billion in funds from the National Institutes of Health–an amount that was cut on Monday. The move was blocked by a federal judge after 22 states, including New York, filed a lawsuit against it.

“[The policy] will devastate critical public health research at universities and research institutions in the United States. Without relief from NIH’s action, these institutions’ cutting edge work to cure and treat human disease will grind to a halt,” the lawsuit reads. 

The plan creates ambiguities on a local level as institutions envision a future without millions in funding. The SUNY system’s downstate flagship university is not excluded. “From working to cure Alzheimer’s disease to improving cancer outcomes, from supporting 9/11 first responders to detecting brain aneurysms, your research is essential to our national security and economic leadership. NIH’s cuts represent an existential threat to public health.” SUNY Chancellor John King wrote in a statement released on Monday.

As much as 60% of the NIH grant budget can be devoted to indirect costs such as infrastructure and maintenance. These costs, known as facilities and administrative costs, help support research and would be lowered to 15%. “[The plan] will cost SUNY research an estimated $79 million for current grants, including more than $21 million over just the next five months.” King wrote.

The new president will be juggling the specific priorities of Stony Brook while navigating federal legalities of policies that will undoubtedly affect one of the institution’s major focuses, research. As president, they will have the power to shape the university in momentous ways, leaving their trace for years to come just as previous presidents have. They will also have to adapt to federal directives. The current changes on the national educational stage would put pressure on any university president and could affect the economy of surrounding areas, particularly as the university is the largest single-site employer on Long Island.. As we await the announcement of this new leader, who will have to navigate national funding in addition to the countless other challenges of assuming the top job, we recognize that their success is our success.

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Pete and Mary Mantia

By Luciana Hayes

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about love, it’s also about stories. But are stories really like the ones we see in movies and read in books? 

This Valentine’s Day TBR News Media chose to ask the people of Long Island about the moment they fell in love and took a better look at the movies of peoples’ lives

Pamela and Vincent Giglio

Pamela and Vincent Giglio of Northport

Pamela and Vincent met in August, 1977 at a club called the Penrod in East Meadow when “disco was really big”. After parting ways, they then ran into each other again three weeks later at another club and the rest is history. They will be celebrating their 45th anniversary this summer and will be spending this Valentine’s day with their new grandchild.

Brian and Josette Lebowitz

Brian and Josette Lebowitz of East Setauket

Josette and Brian met on a blind date that was set up by a mutual friend. They married in October of 2019 and will be spending the upcoming holiday with their family.

Taly D. and Leron D. of South Setauket

Taly and Leron met on a Jewish dating website called JDate. The two plan to celebrate this Valentine’s day early and casually.

Mary and Pete Mantia

Mary and Pete Mantia of Patchogue

Mary and Pete met in a supermarket just after Pete had finished serving in Vietnam. They will be spending this Valentine’s day in the city with their family and friends.

Diane and Jeremy Flint of East Setauket

Diane and Jeremy met in the sunshine state of Florida while playing in an adult coed soccer team. They later married in Iceland before moving to Long Island to start a family. They plan on spending Valentine’s day as a family by making heart-shaped pizzas and sweet treats.

Happy Valentine’s Day from Times Beacon Record News Media!

 

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Vintage Valentine’s Day cards. Photo courtesy of Beverly C.Tyler

By Beverly C. Tyler

“I was very happy to hear from you and to hear that you hadn’t forgot me and thought enough of me to send me a Valentine.” (Mary Bayles to Nichols Hawkins February 16, 1840)

The celebration of Feb. 14 began as an ancient Roman ceremony called the Feast of the Lupercalia. It was on the eve of the Feast of the Lupercalia in the year 270 that Valentinus, a Roman priest, was executed. According to an article in the Nuremberg Chronicle, published in December 1493, “Valentinus was said to have performed valiant service in assisting Christian Martyrs during their persecution under Emperor Claudius II. Giving aid and comfort to Christians at that time was considered a crime, and for his actions Valentinus was clubbed, stoned and beheaded.”

It is thought that when the early Christian church reorganized the calendar of festivals they substituted the names of Christian saints for the pagan names and allocated February 14 to St. Valentine.

The tradition of sending messages, gifts and expressions of love on Valentine’s Day goes back to at least the 15th century. In 1477, in Britain, John Paston wrote to his future wife, “Unto my ryght wele belovyd Voluntyn – John Paston Squyer.”  

By the 17th century, Valentine’s Day was well established as an occasion for sending cards, notes or drawings to loved ones. An early British valentine dated 1684 was signed by Edward Sangon, Tower Hill, London. “Good morrow Vallentine, God send you ever to keep your promise and bee constant ever.” 

Vintage Valentine’s Day cards. Photo courtesy of Beverly C.Tyler

In America the earliest known valentines date to the middle of the 18th century. These hand-made greetings were often very artistically done and included a heart or a lover’s knot. They were folded, sealed and addressed without the use of an envelope. Until the 1840’s, the postal rate was determined by the distance to be traveled and the number of sheets included, so an envelope would have doubled the cost. 

In 1840, Nichols Smith Hawkins, age 25, of Stony Brook sent a valentine to his paternal first cousin Mary Cordelia Bayles, age 18. The original does not exist, but her reply, written two days after Valentine’s Day, says a great deal. “Much Esteemed Friend – I now take this opportunity to write a few lines to you to let you know that I received your letter last evening. I was very happy to hear from you and to hear that you hadent forgot me and thought enough of me to send me a Valentine. I havent got anything now to present to you but I will not forget you as quick, as I can make it conveinant I will get something for you to remember me by. 

“You wrote that you wanted me to make you happy by becoming yourn. I should like to comfort you but I must say that I cannot for particular reasons. It isn’t because I don’t respect you nor do I think that I ever shall find anyone that will do any better by me. I sincerely think that you will do as well by me as anyone. I am very sorry to hear that it would make you the most miserable wretch on earth if I refused you for I cannot give you any encouragement. I beg to be excused for keeping you in suspense so long and then deny you. Believe me my friend I wouldn’t if I thought of denying you of my heart and hand. I think just as much of you now as ever I did. I cannot forget a one that I do so highly respect. You will think it very strange then why I do refuse you. I will tell you although I am very sorry to say so it is on the account of the family. They do oppose me very much. They say so much that I half to refuse you. It is all on their account that I do refuse so good an offer. I sincerely hope that it will be for the best.”

We don’t know the members of Mary’s family who opposed her marriage to Nichols. Was it her parents who had died in 1836 and 1838 respectively, or the family members that Mary lived with when she became an orphan at age 16 or 17? Whatever the circumstances, their love for each other continued to bloom. 

Four days after replying to the Valentine letter, Mary again replied to a letter from Nichols.  “Dear Cousin – I received your letter yesterday morning. I was very sorry to hear that you was so troubled in mind. I don’t doubt but what you do feel very bad for I think that I can judge you by my own feelings but we must get reconciled to our fate…Keep your mind from it as much as you can and be cheerful for I must tell you as I have told you before that I cannot relieve you by becoming your bride, therefore I beg and entreat on you not to think of me anymore as a companion through life for if you make yourself unhappy by it, you will make me the most miserable creature in the world to think that I made you so unhappy…I must now close my letter with my love to you. – This is from your most unhappy cousin M__________________ ” 

At least two other letters, written the following year, were sent to Nichols from Mary. The letters continued to express the friendship that existed between them. The story does not end there. 

On Feb. 11, 1849, Nichols Smith Hawkins, age 34, married Mary Cordelia Bayles, age 27. Coincidentally, Nichols’ parents, William Hawkins and Mary Nichols were married on Valentine’s Day in 1813. Nichols and Mary raised three children who lived beyond childhood (two others died in 1865). Nichols was a farmer and the family lived in Stony Brook. Mary died Jan. 30, 1888 at the age of 66 and Nichols died Feb. 10, 1903, at the age of 88. They are buried at Oak Hill Cemetery in Stony Brook. Mary’s letters are in the Three Village Historical Society archive collection.  

Valentines became fancier and more elaborate through the second half of the 19th century. After 1850, the valentine slowly became a more general greeting rather than a message sent to just one special person. The advent of the picture postal card in 1907, which allowed messages to be written on one half of the side reserved for the address, started a national craze that saw every holiday become a reason for sending a postcard and Valentine’s Day the occasion for a flood of one-cent expressions of love. 

Beverly Tyler is Three Village Historical Society historian and author of books available from the Three Village Historical Society, 93 North Country Rd., Setauket, NY 11733. Tel: 631-751-3730. WWW.TVHS.org 

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By Michael Christodoulou

Michael Christodoulou

As you may know, some businesses pass along part of their profits to investors in the form of dividends. If you own shares of these companies, either directly in stocks or more indirectly through mutual funds, you may have a choice: Should you take the dividends as cash or reinvest them into the stocks or funds?

There’s no one correct answer for everyone. So, let’s look at some reasons for both choices — reinvesting or cashing out.

Reinvesting dividends offers at least two related benefits. First, reinvested dividends make up part of a stock’s total return, along with price appreciation. And second, when you reinvest dividends, you are buying more shares of the investment — and share ownership is a key to building wealth. Keep in mind that dividends can be increased, decreased or eliminated without notice.

It’s also easy to reinvest dividends. Through a dividend reinvestment plan, or DRIP, your dividends are automatically used to buy more shares of a company. And these new shares will generate more dividends that can be reinvested. 

Consequently, it’s fair to say that dividend reinvesting is an economical way to grow your portfolio. However, a DRIP does not guarantee a profit or protect against loss, so you’ll need to consider your willingness to keep investing when share prices are declining.

If you’re mainly investing for long-term growth, you may well want to reinvest your dividends. But under what circumstances wouldn’t you want to reinvest them?

For starters, of course, you may simply need the dividends to help support your cash flow. This may be especially true in your retirement years. 

But there may be other reasons to cash out dividends, rather than reinvesting them. You might already own a considerable number of shares in a stock, mutual fund or exchange traded fund and you don’t want to buy more of the same. By not reinvesting these dividends, you can use the money to help broaden your investment mix. 

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You also might want to consider taking the cash, rather than reinvesting, if the company that pays the dividends appears to be struggling or has an uncertain future. Again, you could then use the money to fill gaps in your portfolio. 

Regardless of whether you reinvest your dividends, you’ll pay taxes on them if your investments are held in a taxable account. Ordinary dividends are taxed at your ordinary income tax rates, while qualified dividends are taxed at the capital gains rate, which is 0%, 18%, or 20%, depending on your income. (A dividend is considered qualified if you’ve held the stock for a certain length of time.) 

If your dividend-paying investments are held in a traditional IRA or a 401(k), you won’t have to pay taxes on the dividends until you begin taking withdrawals from these accounts, typically at retirement. And if you have a Roth IRA or Roth 401(k), you may not pay taxes on the dividends at all, provided you’ve had the account at least five years and you don’t take withdrawals until you’re at least 59½. 

In any case, you may find that dividends, whether reinvested or taken in cash, can play a role in your overall financial strategy. So, follow your dividend payments carefully — and make the most of them. 

Michael Christodoulou, ChFC®, AAMS®, CRPC®, CRPS® is a Financial Advisor for Edward Jones in Stony Brook, Member SIPC.

This article was written by Edward Jones for use by your local Edward Jones Financial Advisor. Edward Jones, its employees and financial advisors cannot provide tax or legal advice. You should consult your attorney or qualified tax advisor regarding your situation.

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Wall-E
Wall-E
Wall-E
Wall-E

MEET WALL-E!

This week’s featured shelter pet is Wall-E, a two-year-old orange tabby cat  who has been at the Smithtown Animal Shelter since late January. 

Found through the shelter’s TNR program, this sweet boy obviously comes from a tough life of being bullied but he is gentle and loving. Wall-E is FIV+ but that is no issue so long as he remains an indoor only cat. According to shelter staff, this sweet hunk loves to be loved all of the time. Adopt this young boy and you will not regret it.

If you are interested in meeting Wall-E, please call ahead to schedule an hour to properly interact with him in the shelter’s Meet and Greet room.

The Town of Smithtown Animal & Adoption Shelter is located at 410 Middle Country Road, Smithtown. Visitor hours are Monday to Saturday from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. (Sundays and Wednesday evenings by appointment only). For more information, call 631-360-7575 or visit www.townofsmithtownanimalshelter.com.

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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

We recognize and register the temperature as soon as we leave our climate controlled house, car or office and step foot outside.

Cold, windy air might cause us to raise our shoulders, protecting our necks the way frightened turtles might pull back towards the shell when they sense a threat.

We have developed a real feel temperature or a “it feels like” temperature. Yes, it’s 28 degrees, but it feels like 12, which, to some, is more like negative 20.

How people experience temperature varies widely. An 85 degree day, with bright sunshine, could make one person feel as if he’s ready to conquer the world and is absorbing the sun’s energy.

Another person, say me, for example, might step out into that same temperature and instinctively search for shade, an air conditioner or a place near the water.

Many of us have friends, coworkers, spouses, children or roommates who prefer temperatures that are diametrically opposed to our own heat or cold sensitivity.

If my house were, say, 66 degrees, I would likely feel comfortable, while my wife would probably come into my home office wearing a sweater, gloves and a frown.

Taking out the financial part of the equation, people can and often do battle for control of the thermostat.

Differences between the sexes can explain some of this temperature disconnect.

Beyond describing the different cultures, expectations, communications and score keeping between men and women, the metaphor from the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” also might aptly capture the temperature differences, as Venus, with its gaseous carbon dioxide atmosphere, is the hottest planet and Mars is the fourth hottest. Neptune, incidentally, is the coldest.

While the gender generalization may apply in some cases, that’s never been my family’s reality. My daughter and I tend to run hotter, while my wife and son are cooler and prefer some heat as a counterbalance.

During the extremes of either season, half of the family is comfortable while the other half is either looking to dive into a pool of ice water or is eager to sit with a book near a roaring fire.

Many years ago, my wife and I attended a spectacularly hot college reunion. Well, it was incredibly hot for me. My wife left my side for a moment and returned with some ice cubes. She dumped them down my back and was shocked when I didn’t arch my back or pull my shirt out of my waist to dump the ice on the floor. The ice provided welcome relief.

The moderate middle tends to keep the family happy, as no one is complaining about uncomfortable extremes.

Given temperature sensitivities in our house, we all tend to be closest to our temperature best in the fall and spring.

Of course, as with everything else in life, different stages bring different temperature sensitivities.

When my wife was pregnant with each of our children, her body ran much hotter. We took winter walks that would have been almost inconceivable, so to speak, before we conceived.

The passage of decades, however, has changed how I experience temperature. I have become much more comfortable sitting in a warm baseball stadium and am not so tough when confronted with single digit temperatures.

To be sure, I’m still not able to wallow in a jacuzzi or an unusually hot pool for any length of time without feeling as if my skin is starting to boil.

Recognizing that what constitutes comfortable temperatures varies, I wonder why people so often imagine hell as a place with fire and brimstone.

The poet Robert Service wrote a wonderful and lengthy poem about Sam McGee, which a bus driver recited from memory when my wife and I took a trip to Alaska. With beluga whales we could see surfacing in the distance as we drove along the coast, she shared “The Cremation of Sam McGee” about someone who left Tennessee to search for gold in the Arctic only to discover that the cold was much easier to find than gold.

Sam is so spectacularly cold that he delights in the idea of being cremated when he inevitably dies.

For Sam, and perhaps many others, heat might be far preferable to a frigid afterlife.

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Pixabay photo

By Leah S Dunaief

Leah Dunaief,
Publisher

What happens when opposites attract? Are those the most successful marriages? It is sometimes said that we subconsciously supply missing strengths to our partners when we select a mate. Do we really? Or is it just chemistry? Or possibly both?

We all know different couples and can notice who brings what to each pair. But of course, we don’t truly know about any marriage except our own, and to some extent, that of our parents.

Speaking for my own marriage, I can attest to the fact that differences make for an interesting life. The first example that comes to mind was our view toward vacations. Here is a typical scenario.

He: “Let’s go on vacation next month.”

She: “Oh, I couldn’t leave work next month. We have two new supplements due and not enough staff to finish them.”

He: “You always say that.”

She: “Besides, where would we go?”

He: “How about white water canoeing in the Adirondacks?”

She: “With the children?”

He: “Yes. We can all learn how to canoe. And we can bring the dog.”

She: “How would that work?”

He: Pulling out from his inner suit jacket pocket an envelope stuffed with tickets, “I have reservations for a cabin, four canoes and an instructor for five days.”

You probably guessed. We went. We had a wonderful time. My mother and sister came too, which was critical since our third son was too young to join us on the water. He had a good time back at the cabin, and we did indeed learn how to white water canoe, although I have probably forgotten by now. 

I also thrived on the break in my work routine, and the competent staff back at the office handled the workload just fine. 

Since my husband died, I have had to set a date deliberately for each vacation, and it’s a fight I have with myself because I don’t think I should leave the office. But I also know that I will function much better if I take a rest, and thanks to him, I have become a big believer in the restorative power of vacations.

So what did I bring to the relationship?

Here is another true life adventure story. The children were a bit older, and we were going to learn to ski in Vermont.

He: “I’ll do some research and make the reservations.”

She: “OK, I’ll pack.”

We got a late start and didn’t arrive at the motel until well after dark. Exhausted, we fell  asleep despite uncomfortable beds. The morning light revealed an unmanageable scene. The five of us, along with our suitcases, boots, heavy ski pants, sweaters and jackets, hats and gloves, could barely fit into the room. I had brought a toaster oven with the thought of making Eggos for breakfast and then getting an early start on the slopes. When I plugged it in, a fuse blew with a nasty zap. The bathroom left a great deal to be desired and there were no closets.

She: “Why did you select this motel? Are we near the lifts?”

He: “It was the most reasonable one. The slopes are only ten miles away.”

She: “C’mon kids, pack up. We are going to find another place to stay.”

And we did. It was more expensive, a half a mile from the entrance, and we did become a skiing family. It was also a bit of a turning point. My husband and I agreed that henceforth, we would spend enough money to be comfortable on our two weeks of annual vacation, and upon our return home, we would resume our normally frugal lives.

After that, even our children noticed the difference.

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