When we feel achy, nauseous and dizzy, we know something is wrong. We might visit the doctor, take cold medicine or cancel plans in order to get some rest.We quickly equate the corporeal symptoms with a physical ailment and treat the illness appropriately. A cut requires a bandage, a broken bone needs a cast.
When we are mentally struggling, the problem is more difficult to diagnose. Our stubborn minds, too smart for their own good, may equivocate and minimize the pain, convincing ourselves that in the absence of physical symptoms, pain should not exist. We are busy–kids need rides to school, deadlines loom and work piles up. There isn’t time for a quiet moment to check in with our emotions.
It may seem inconvenient, or even embarrassing for us to admit that our mental state is suffering, but we can’t outrun, outwork or suppress something as vital as mental health. We shouldn’t accept it as a weakness or as an unavoidable dispositional quality. Help awaits to alleviate our discomfort or suffering.
Prolonged distress or anxiety has physical consequences, such as high blood pressure, weight fluctuation, heart disease and sleep issues. We shouldn’t ignore our minds.
Mental illness doesn’t discriminate by age, gender or class. Stigmas surrounding asking for help differ by demographic, with men less likely to reach for help when they are struggling. Prescribing to stereotypes and gender roles contributes to the idea that men shouldn’t ask for help, or are failing in their masculinity if they do. Less than half of men suffering from depression or anxiety actually seek help.
It may seem like we are alone–that there must be something wrong with us for feeling anxious or depressed or paranoid. This is untrue. The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 8 adults suffer from mental disorders each year.
It is time to prioritize mental health instead of pushing it to the side. If something is off with friends or loved ones–they aren’t as enthusiastic about their hobbies, aren’t eating as much or are eating more than normal, or are isolating themselves– make sure they know you are there to support them and get them any help they may need. If you feel your mental health slipping, lean on those around you or call the Suffolk County’s Mental Health Helpline at 631-471-7242.
Sometimes, just opening up and talking about what you are feeling can ease the pain. Other times, contacting a professional could be what work best.
Many have witnessed the ongoing conversations and press surrounding the congressional budget and the potential changes to the programs so many people depend on. I would like to send a quick thank you to Congressman Nick LaLota [R-NY1] for signing the letter to House leadership on April 14 affirming his commitment to Medicaid.
Long Island members of Congress sent a letter to congressional leaders stating, “we would like to reiterate our strong support for this program that ensures our constituents have reliable health care. Balancing the federal budget must not come at the expense of those who depend on these benefits for their health and economic security.”
“Our constituents are asking for changes to the health care system that will strengthen the health care workforce, offer low-income, working-class families expanded opportunities to save for medical expenses, support rural and underserved communities and help new mothers.”
As a local volunteer advocate for the Alzheimer’s Impact Movement, I look forward to seeing these necessary programs remain intact so many of our friends and family can receive these benefits they so desperately need.
Christina Russo
Cora
Praise for Hal Sheprow
Port Jeff lost a remarkable man and I lost a friend of over 50 years, Mayor Hal Sheprow.
We served together on the planning board some 35 years ago, sometimes disagreeing. After each meeting, we and Walt Berndt would bend elbows at the Elks and bond.
Hal’s contributions cannot be overstated. To purchase the country club and make it affordable for village residents made the bond we paid a bargain. Hal never took enough credit for it. !t was visionary!
Unfortunately, I found out about his funeral too late. My very best to his wonderful wife, Peg, and his kids.
Fred Levine
Jefferson’s Ferry
WRITE TO US … AND KEEP IT LOCAL
We welcome your letters, especially those responding to our local coverage, replying to other letter writers’ comments and speaking mainly to local themes. Letters should be no longer than 400 words and may be edited for length, libel, style, good taste and uncivil language. They will also be published on our website. We do not publish anonymous letters. Please include an address and phone number for confirmation. Email letters to: [email protected] or mail them to TBR News Media, P.O. Box 707, Setauket, NY 11733
Esther Takeuchi. Photo by Roger Stoutenburgh/Brookhaven National Laboratory
By Daniel Dunaief
Daniel Dunaief
Esther Takeuchi has won numerous awards and received plenty of honors for her work.
In 2009, President Barack Obama presented her with a National Medal of Technology and Innovation, the highest honor possible for technological achievement in the country.
She has also been elected as a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences,received the 2013 E.V. Murphree Award in Industrial and Engineering Chemistry from the American Chemical Society and was selected as a Fellow of the American Institute for Medical and Biological Engineering and the American Association for the Advancement of Science, among others.
Takeuchi, who has over 150 patents to her name and is Distinguished Professor in Materials Science and Chemical Engineering at Stony Brook University and Chair of the Interdisciplinary Science Department at Brookhaven National Laboratory, spoke with Times Beacon Record News Media about a range of topics.
“In the long run, I think energy storage can significantly improve energy availability and affordability,” said Takeuchi. “We end up throwing a lot of [energy] away.”
Indeed, in a widely cited statistic based on a 2021 study, 65 percent of energy produced is thrown away. Energy from any source, whether it’s fossil fuels, sunlight, wind or nuclear, is inefficient, with losses from heat, limitations on technology, friction with machinery and incomplete combustion, among a host of factors.
“Let’s use it more effectively, where we can follow the load,” urged Takeuchi.
At the same time, Takeuchi recognizes the importance of ensuring the safety of energy storage, including for the proposed storage facilities in Setauket.
“The Fire Department and police need to be brought into the discussion,” she said. “A lot of these folks are extremely knowledgeable.”
Community education, involvement and awareness is necessary for any such project, ensuring that the appropriate people are informed and know how to respond to any crisis.
Energy needs
Future energy needs are considerably higher than they are today, thanks to the demands of artificial intelligence.
Large data centers that house the kinds of information necessary for AI are “incredibly power hungry,” Takeuchi said. If AI continues to expand at the current pace, it alone will use more energy than the world makes today.
“We need to have broader sources of energy” so it is available, she added. “Where is going to come from?”
Indeed, Takeuchi and her collaborators are working on energy storage that doesn’t use the kind of lithium-ion batteries that power much of consumer electronics. Lithium ion batteries are compact and are highly reactive, packing energy into a small volume. If something goes wrong, these batteries are flammable.
“We are working on a project at Stony Brook and Brookhaven National Laboratory where we’ve demonstrated electrolytes that don’t burn at all,” she said. “You can put a butane lighter on them and they won’t burn.”
To be sure, these batteries, which would be larger than the current systems, are a “long way” from commercialization, but it’s possible.
Still, Takeuchi is excited about rechargeable water-based batteries. She’s focused on making sure the materials are elements that are used broadly, instead of exotic materials mined in only one place on Earth. She’s also looking to create a cycle life that’s as high as possible.
Aqueous materials have a lower cycle life. She and her team are trying to understand why and overcome those challenges, which would enable these batteries to be recharged more times before degrading.
Funding environment
The current funding environment for science and technology has reached an uncertain time, Takeuchi said.
“One of the ways the United States has been so effective at competing economically on a global level is through science and technology,” she said. During many decades, the country has been an innovation leader as measured by the number of patents issued.
Driven by the Manhattan Project that built the atomic bomb, by frenzied competition with the Soviet Union after the launch of Sputnik in October of 1957 amid the Cold War, and by the drive to send people to the moon in the 1960’s, the country has attracted top talent from around the world while making important discoveries and creating new technology. Realizing that science and technology is a driver of future commercial and economic growth, other countries have been actively recruiting scientists concerned about the future funding landscape to their countries. This creates the potential for a brain drain.
If the United States gives up its leadership position when other nations are charging ahead, it could take a long time to recover the current standing, not to mention to mirror the successes and personal and professional opportunities from previous generations, said Takeuchi.
“Science is critical to lead us to the future we all want to live in,” she added.
The worlds of art and politics might seem quite separate, but here is a life that bridges them both. Two lives, in fact.
In one of those chance happenings that amounts to little more than a footnote but turns the tide of history, William Luers became the new ambassador to Czechoslovakia in 1983. It was a time of tumult in the Soviet-bloc country, as the unlikelypoet-playwright, Vaclav Havel, was leading a peaceful uprising to oust the Communist state. Havel was in and out of prison and appeared to be a long-shot among other dissidents to triumph against the Soviets. Nonetheless Luers recognized the potential of the cultural leader and contributed to his very survival and political successes that resulted in the independence of Czechoslovakia in 1989 and the subsequent creation of the Czech Republic.
In betting on Havel, Luers was in fact recognizing the pairing of politics and art that informed his own life.
Luers was born in Springfield, Illinois, and attended high school there, where he played basketball with a distinct advantage. He was exceptionally tall. After majoring in chemistry and math and graduating from Hamilton College in upstate New York, he went on to switch to the humanities and study philosophy at Northwestern University, then joined the Navy. It was 1952 and the United States was at war with Korea. After graduating from officers’ candidate school and being discharged in 1957, he entered the Foreign Service and in 1958 earned a master’s degree in Russian Studies from Columbia University. He spoke fluent Russian, Spanish and Italian, and worked at embassies in Moscow, Rome and other capitals in Europe and Latin America. Before he went to Czechoslovakia, he was ambassador to Venezuela.
His most important post was his last. He protected Havel by inviting dozens of American cultural celebrities to visit Prague, and after meeting the playwright, “then at news conferences outside the reach of the government-controlled Czech news media, recast him in a protective armor of global publicity,” according to The New York Times. By burnishing Havel’s name “as a writer but not as a statesman, which might have increased Havel’s perils,” continued The Times’ reporter Luer saved him.
Some of the celebrity visitors included John Updike, Edward Albee, E.L. Doctorow, Kurt Vonnegut, William Styron, Philippe de Montebello, director of New York’s Metropolitan Museum, theater director Joseph Papp, abstract painter Richard Diebenkorn and Katharine Graham, publisher of The Washington Post.
Since Luers came from a culturally prominent family, many of these people were his friends and they understood their purpose in visiting. “The underlying message…was that harming Mr. Havel might risk incalculable international consequences for the Czech government,” according to The Times. In fact, Luers used the arts to promote, protect and ultimately elect Vaclav Havel as leader of the Czech Republic.
After 29 years in the Foreign Service, during which time he became an aide to Secretary of State Henry Kissinger (and in 1974 personally delivered President Nixon’s resignation letter over the Watergate scandal to him), Luers went on to be president of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for 13 years. Like Havel, the arc of his life spanned politics and art.
William Luers died this past Saturday, May 10, in his home in Washington Depot, Connecticut, at the age of 95. His greatest satisfaction was the success of Vaclav Havel, according to The Times. “The Communist system was deeply flawed. It underestimated cultural leaders’ influence on the people.”
As the former chairman of the Huntington Town Zoning Board of Appeals, I worked tirelessly to balance the interests of residents, landowners and prospective applicants.
New York State Zoning Law requires that neighbors and other residents’ interests be represented in hearing applicant requests. The burden of consideration by the applicant, under the law, covers at least five explicit considerations for area variances requests: an undesirable change, feasible alternatives, substantiality, adverse effects and self-created hardship. As a board we emphasized careful review of potential undesirable changes to neighborhoods, always lending a sensitive ear to the neighbors.
You may have met me at your door during some of these applications, as I would often take the time to walk a neighborhood impacted and speak to residents instead of putting the burden on them to show up at a ZBA meeting.
Residents shouldn’t have to leave their house during a cold winter night, wait hours to speak at a public hearing to fight to defend their zoning and quality of life every time a development application comes up. That is a strict responsibility of the board; residents should not be on the defensive.
Our Town Board and the individuals they appoint have a duty and responsibility to represent us, not simply facilitate development.
The need for the Zoning Board and Planning Board’s independence in this Town is paramount if we are to restore trust in the Town’s zoning process.
Land-use rules and laws protect our most precious investment, our homes. Good zoning and land-use guidance is the most important responsibility of Town government, it is what knits our communities and neighborhoods together. Applications for exemptions from prevailing laws deserve careful review, but that review should never be at the disadvantage of neighbors and residents.
Now, more than ever, we need this balanced common sense approach.
John Posilico
Former Chairman of the Huntington Town Zoning Board of Appeals
Questioning ‘Elder Parole’ for cop killers
It’s common for politicians to send out “constituent surveys.”Ostensibly, the goal is to get feedback from local voters on specific issues. But it would be a rare survey indeed, that did not frame certain questions in ways aimed at getting politically desired responses.
Newly elected Assembly member Rebecca Kassay pretty much followed that template with her May mailer.
A couple of seemingly “feel good” proposals were the Second Look Act, and Elder Parole. Maybe state polls are looking to save some dollars on a staggering state budget that’s twice the size of Florida and Texas combined?Money aside, the goal is to give judges and parole boards the power to reconsider early release for “elderly individuals” so long as the felons have “demonstrated growth and rehabilitation.”
Here are two important unknowns. What would be the specific criteria for the above mentioned, and how it might be applied to those who’ve murdered law enforcement officers?This is especially critical because the PBA has cited 43 cop killers released by our NYS Parole Board in just the last 8 years,
As of this writing,waiting on the sidelines to possibly become lucky number 44, is David McClary. On Feb. 26, 1988, he snuck up behind rookie NYPD Officer Edward Byrne, and shot him five times in the head.The 22-year-old was guarding a witness waiting to testify against a notorious drug lord.
Edward’s brother Ken spoke to ABC News.“Referencing the murder he said, “’It was a horrible scene, we were in shock. It was just beyond devastation.…’ “This is always a difficult process because every two years with the parole board we have to reive everything.” It’s that family’s eighth time.
Who has had the most sway in picking and managing the group tasked with deciding which felons will be freed?That would be former governor Andrew Cuomo, and his Democrat heir, Kathy Hochul (D). This board is a direct reflection of their views on policing and made up of a majority of fellow Dems.
One of the members would be Tana Agostini, who was appointed by Cuomo in 2017. She married convicted killer Thomas O’Sullivan while he was still in prison. Tana used her influence as a staffer of the state Assembly committee overseeing prisons in 2013 to advocate for the parole of O’Sullivan. His stint in prison included an escape and biting off part of an inmate’s nose. It’s hard to see much “growth and rehabilitation” there.
Imagine the unrelenting heartache, revisited every 24 months by long “suffering NYPD families, who are sitting in front of an NYS Parole Board that has released an average of five cop killers yearly since 2017.We can bet these kinds of “feel good” proposals feel anything but good to them.Let’s remember and help protect slain, heroic police officers and their grieving loved ones,
I’ve never written a letter like this before. Truth be told, I’ve never written a letter of any kind.
But I understand you live far away and that you dispense valuable advice that I could use in my everyday life with the guy and his family.
The guy spends most of his days sitting at this thing typing, so I guess I can do it for an hour or so, which, you know, is more like seven hours for him.
I was thinking of asking you about that rumbling noise that scares me so much when it gets incredibly dark out and when the ground gets wet. Those sounds make me want to find cover somewhere, but no matter where I go, I can still hear it and feel the terrible vibrations. It’s like if a pack of, you know, us were running around the neighborhood, growling so loudly outside the door that we caused the floor to vibrate a second or two after a flash of light.
No, no, I’ll save the questions about those noises for some other letter. This one is about the delicate social business of interacting in the neighborhood.
You see, my guy varies in his social energy and interests. Some days, he speaks with everyone we run into and bends down to pet other dogs.
That doesn’t bother me, the way it did with Fifi last week, when she complained that her owner pets other dogs more readily and happily than she pets Fifi. I’m fine if my guy wants to scratch other dogs behind their ears or rubs their back. Frankly, there are times when I think he needs a hobby to get out all of his scratching, squeezing and high-pitched voice energy that he reserves for me and, once in a while, for small people when they come to the house.
Other times, he barely waves or acknowledges people and their pets. He’s either staring into his phone and talking to himself or he’s making lists out loud and telling himself what he needs to do that day.
When he does stop to chat with neighbors and their companions, he often talks about me while the other human talks about their dog. I’m kind of tired of hearing about how I don’t like to swim, how I’m not that high energy and I don’t fetch.
Everyone doesn’t have to fetch or swim, right? But, then, he also talks about how sensitive I am and how supportive I am whenever anyone is feeling sad in the house. Hey, we all have our strengths, right?
When he’s chatting, sometimes about me and sometimes about the weather, I’m not always sure how long the pause in our walk will go.
I sometimes sit or lay down near him, while other dogs jump or sniff around me. Other times, I’m so happy to see one of my neighbors that she and I try to tie the two leashes into a knot in the shape of a heart. My guy and the neighbor never see it, but it’s so obvious to us.
Every so often, I meet someone intriguing and, you know how it is, right? I have to sniff them, the way they have to sniff me. The question is, how long can I sniff their butts before it becomes socially awkward, either for them or for the humans?
I mean, I can tell when my guy is in an intense conversation about something, when his voice drops or shakes and I want to help him. At the same time, I have this need to sniff.
Clearly, sniffing butts at the wrong time or for too long can become a problem for the guy and the other person.
If we do it too long, their conversation ends and he walks away, muttering and puling on me until we get inside.
So, what’s the ideal, allowable butt sniffing time? And remember that none of us is getting any younger, so, you know, if you could write back soon, it’d help. You can’t see me, but I’m looking up at you with my big brown eyes and wagging my tail. That usually works with the guy.
Tuesday was National Teacher Appreciation Day, which reminded me of Miss Rigney, who changed my life.
Miss Rigney was my sixth grade teacher in the perfectly ordinary elementary school I attended. Housed in a cement building, in the midst of a residential area, it served the neighborhood according to the rules for education in mid-century New York City, with two classrooms and two teachers for each grade. I was assigned to 6A. Next door was 6B.
Soon after entering sixth grade, we became aware of the goal for the coming year. We needed to pass the Hunter Test for the honor of the school and our own benefit.
The Hunter Test, we discovered, was a one day affair that, if successfully navigated, would win us admission to Hunter College High School where classes started with seventh grade and ended with graduation from high school. Open to students from each sixth grade in all five boroughs, a handful of us would be eligible, after scoring well on a standardized test in fifth grade, to travel to the school on the appointed day to take the test.
I liked the sound of that because it was the closest junior high school to where I lived. I sympathized with those students who would have to ride from Brooklyn, Queens and even Staten Island.
There were several special schools throughout the city whose admission was via a challenging test: Stuyvesant, Bronx High School of Science and Brooklyn Tech were three. They were also public schools and were run by the Board of Education with the idea of giving some students a head start.
But Hunter was different. It was initially started in 1869 as a model school in which to train teachers who were matriculating in Hunter College and was administrated by the Board of Higher Education. Its 1200 students in six grades “represent the top one-quarter of one percent of the City” based on the test scores, according to the school. It was composed of all girls for its first 105 years. The student-teacher ratio was 13:1, and its faculty for the most part had advanced degrees.
“Aim of the entire course through which the Normal students pass is not so much to burden the mind with facts as it is to develop intellectual power, cultivate judgment, and enable the graduates to take trained ability into the world with them,” wrote Harper’s Magazine in 1878.
Now we kids didn’t know any of this. I just wanted the shortest commute, and it was impressed on us that Hunter was a good place to be. So we prepared for the test, which was months away, with the coaching of our teachers, four girls from 6B and two from 6A.
Only Miss Rigney, a trim, freckle-faced redhead with a gentle manner, who seemed old to me, but was maybe 28, stayed after school twice a week and drilled Carol and me with a workbook. When we didn’t do the homework she then gave us, both arithmetic and English, she was uncharacteristically stern with us. It was clear that this was a challenge she wanted us to surmount.
On the day the results of the Test were sent to the school, the principal called the six of us down to her office, along with the teachers, and with a great deal of excitement, opened the envelope and read the results out loud. Carol and I had been admitted; no one had from the other class.
There was screaming and moaning. Miss Rigney smiled, quietly congratulated the two of us and returned to her classroom. I was happy because I thought I should be. I knew my parents would be pleased, but I had no understanding of what had just happened.
I had no idea that my life would be unalterably changed — that I would be attending what was thought to be one of the finest high school in the country, ranked number one by The Wall Street Journal, one of only 225 pupils, with some of the most accomplished teachers for whom teaching was an art, that I would mingle with far more sophisticated students, and because of them, freely explore the City.
I had a remarkable high school education. When I landed in college, I was immediately offered second year standing because of my AP classes. Miss Rigney knew.
When 11 Stony Brook students’ visas were terminated early this month, a state of uncertainty descended on the school and community. Immigration and Customs Enforcement revoked the students’ records, destabilizing them when they should be learning and growing. Their largest concern, no longer exams and school work, was whether they would be able to stay in the country to finish their education.Hundreds of international students across the country were notified by their schools that their visas were revoked, and many times without a public reason.
The school extended resources to help, students and staff gathered in swaths to support the affected students, and local politicians like Assemblywoman Rebecca Kassay (D-NY4) used their resources to help protect and prepare the students for what came next.
While SEVIS records can be terminated on the basis that the student has a criminal record, the federal government has also revoked records of politically active students, reasoning that they interfered with foreign policy. The revocation of the records does not necessarily mean the next step is deportation; however, it is a step in that direction as the student no longer has the legal records to protect against removal proceedings.
Stony Brook University has over 3,000 international students bringing valuable skills and unique perspectives to the Stony Brook community. Their experiences and perspectives prove valuable to the classroom and the broader community; the breadth of cultures and backgrounds produce well-rounded, empathetic and curious professionals.
Once it the government became more aggressive with visa terminations, some students across the U.S. began “self-deporting”, saying they no longer felt safe here. Thankfully, none of the 11 students who had their visas revoked left the country. With the support of the school and their classmates, they kept going to classes. They kept learning.
The visas have been restored and imminent risk of deportation has been abated, but the uncertainty lingers. The federal government reversed itself while under pressure from lawsuits that argued due process was neglected. As ICE hone their criteria and protocols for visa termination, it is unclear whether these students will again be at risk. The school that admitted these students and the local politicians who represent people in the area remain ready to assist these international students as they become a part of the country’s ongoing experiment with democracy.
We now have a newly formed BESS Task Force, assembled for the purpose of evaluating the safety risks of proposed lithium-ion battery systems, apparently concentrating on thermal runaway. One issue that should be addressed by the Task Force is the effect of the discharge efficiency of the battery, which may lead to significant heating in the battery systems. One example is the system proposed by New Leaf Energy, which will provide 8.75 MW of power for 4 hours. Based on experience, a typical lithium-ion battery discharge efficiency is 10-15%. To be conservative, let us assume a discharge efficiency of 15%. Thus, if 8.75 MW is delivered to the external loads (or homes) for 4 hours, the internal power dissipated in the BESS is 1.54 MW. The BESS must have a cooling system capable of removing the heat generated by this power, to prevent the internal temperatures of the BESS cells from reaching temperatures capable of causing thermal runaway.
Although the occurrence of thermal runaway is clearly a cause for concern, it appears that the attention of the BESS Task Force will address only peaker applications, which will remain powered primarily by “fossil fuel” plants. But problems that are much more serious, and much more complex, will be encountered when we attempt to achieve an emissions-free economy, possibly by 2050. If we attempt to accomplish this by utilizing only solar arrays and windmills as our source of power, we will inevitably face the possibility of blackouts, subject to the available activity levels of the sun and wind. By drastic increases in the size and complexity of our solar arrays, windmills and BESS installations, the probability of a blackout can be decreased, but not eliminated entirely. Once the BESS Peaker Task Force has completed their analysis and issued their report, perhaps they can redirect their attention to this problem.
George Altemose
Setauket
WRITE TO US … AND KEEP IT LOCAL
We welcome your letters, especially those responding to our local coverage, replying to other letter writers’ comments and speaking mainly to local themes. Letters should be no longer than 400 words and may be edited for length, libel, style, good taste and uncivil language. They will also be published on our website. We do not publish anonymous letters. Please include an address and phone number for confirmation. Email letters to: [email protected] or mail them to TBR News Media, P.O. Box 707, Setauket, NY 11733
In the best of times, we have the prvilege of living with a lightness of being.
We can anticipate events, opportunities and interactions that we find satisfying or that give us pleasure, like an enjoyable meal, great company, or entertaining or rewarding activities.
In the worst of times, sunlight can seem unbearably harsh to our eyes, the smiles and laughter of other people can feel like they are mocking our misfortune, leaving us isolated, alone and untethered.
Recently, tragedy struck a family we know well, as a member of the family in his 20’s died unexpectedly.
The ripples of that loss spread quickly, affecting everyone who had the privlege of knowing that person far too briefly and who had shared blissful moments without realizing how transient they were. That included siblings who learned of his death while away at college.
The loss had echoes with my own life, as I received a call from my family in my sophomore year. When I returned to my room after studying for a physics midterm, my roommate told me to call home regardless of the time.
My fingers twitched as I dialed the phone. My father had died.
While the memory of the oxygen-sucking reality of that moment has stayed with me decades later, I recognize that my father, who died earlier than the parents of almost all of my friends, lived much longer than this young person who was preparing to graduate from college.
So many moments after that loss and the discomfort it created have stayed with me over the years, even as time has allowed me to focus more on the memories and experiences I had rather than on the agony of what I’d lost.
I remember looking at the happy, worried, excited and normal faces of people in dining halls as I grappled with the reality of a present and future without the possibility of interacting with my father.
Soon after his death, people who knew me or were in the broader circle of friends, gave me “the look.” Some of them said they were so sorry and told me how unfair it all was. Not knowing what to say or how to act, others walked in the other direction or turned around when they saw me. Of course, some of that likely had nothing to do with me, as they might have forgotten a paper they printed out on their desk or realized that it was too cold to walk outside without a heavier jacket.
Even mundane activities seemed to raise questions. Should I shave, should I take a walk or a run, how much did I really care about succeeding on a test, or taking any of the next steps in what felt like an unfamiliar life?
Even the few times I managed to smile in the days after his death, I felt guilty. Was I allowed to be happy so soon after his death?
In those awful first few weeks of pain and numbness, friends who took me to lunch, listened or stayed by my side while I stared out a window provided some measure of comfort and connection.
The shocking relief I felt at meeting someone new, who didn’t know my story and wasn’t still giving me “the look,” was extraordinary.
New people weren’t sorry and didn’t know or see the cloud that rained grief and dumped freezing rain over my head regularly.
Time helped, but so did unexpected moments of escape from the loss, a sense of purpose that came from knowing how my father would have wanted me to live, and an awareness that everyone isn’t living their happily ever after all the time.
Other people are persevering through their challenges, losses, and difficulties. My loss and grief weren’t any less real, but they also weren’t so exclusive or blatanlty unfair.
While I still feel the loss of all the things that would have given my father joy, like meeting my wife or making his grandchildren laugh orthe way he made me smile even when I was marinating in my moody teenager phase, I know that I and so many others, including our family friends, are not alone in living our fractured fairy tales.
The days ahead for the family will undoubtedly include difficulties. People who know them can help by checking in and offering ongoing support. At some point hopefully before too long, they may find themselves smiling. They may realize that they are not forgetting or being disrespectful, but they are allowing themselves to breathe in a moment of sunshine, which they can share, in their own way, with the memory of their loved ones.
