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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

We have a Rock And Roll Hall of Fame, a Baseball Hall of Fame, a US Space Walk of Fame, a Model Car Hall of Fame, and a World Video Hall of Fame, to name a few.

Why not a love hall of fame, which we could build right here on Long Island, with a picturesque view of the Long Island Sound or of one of the many glorious parks? After all, love is all around us, as the song and countless movies suggest.

Beyond the love for a child, spouse or family member, here are some of my nominees for the Love Hall of Fame. Feel free to share some of yours, if you’d like.

— Love of a pet. This is an easy place to start. After a tough day, what’s better than the feeling of a happy, furry, wet nose in your hands? Dogs and cats are popular not just because they’re great companions and don’t talk back when we’re rude or annoying, but because they are often so happy to see us that they run to get their favorite toy, chase balls for us, go on runs around the neighborhood, or lean against us while we read a book or watch our favorite films.

— Love of a song. Time disappears when we hear a song whose lyrics say exactly what we’re thinking or feeling or whose melody transports us to the moment we met our partner or spouse, learned that we’d been hired by our dream company or received admission to our top choice for college. Music can carry us back to that magic moment.

— Love of nature. We don’t all see or appreciate nature in the same way. Some of us adore snakes, mud puddles, and dark clouds, while others are moved by sunsets, water lapping on the shore, or a hawk soaring overhead. Whatever your favorite moments, nature provides an infinite array of spectacles, from the movements and behaviors of other animals to spectacular landscapes.

— Love of a sport. This one is particularly easy at this time of year. Passionate baseball fans are enjoying the last few innings of the playoffs, continuing whatever superstitions they think will help their teams win, while football is grinding through the first half of the season, hockey just started and basketball opens next Tuesday. Fans of a team, a sport, or all sports have plenty of choices for their agony and ecstasy.

— Love of cooking and eating. I’ve watched people, like my college roommate, who truly adore the fine art of cooking. They toss spices into the air, roll their wrists to stir pots, and conduct the scents of their creations into their receptive nostrils. When these same chefs eat, they appear filled and fulfilled, savoring the sauces, textures, flavors and combinations of tastes they brought to life.

— Love of art. People dedicate hours creating wood cabinets, landscape paintings, and portraits, as their imaginations shape the material in front of them.

— Love of religion. The world sometimes makes no sense. With its traditions, rituals, and, hopefully, spiritual encouragement, religion can help us find meaning and purpose and can connect us with our ancestors and with something larger than ourselves.

— Love of travel. People journey outside their immediate surroundings, visiting unfamiliar places and meeting new people whose lives differ but whose priorities – taking care of their children, contributing to the world, meeting their needs – are often the same. Undeterred by language differences, we can work through conversations, sharing moments with people who can become an ongoing part of our lives.

— Love of oneself. I know, I know. Numerous people have an overabundance of this that makes them insufferable. And yet, some people benefit from the right balance of enjoying their own company and sharing that sense of well-being and joy with others. I’m pretty sure Mary Poppins was able to love the children in her care because she – in the form of Julie Andrews or Emily Blunt – appreciated her own company.

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Photo courtesy Rabbi Aaron Benson
By Rabbi Aaron Benson

I love Israel. I think the founding of the modern state in 1948 was a miracle, fulfilling 2,000 years of the Jewish people’s dreams.

“My eyes are dimmed with grief,” says Psalm 6. Images and stories of children, young adults, elderly and even whole families being kidnapped, beaten and murdered break me over and over since the war with the Hamas-controlled Palestinian enclave of Gaza began Saturday, Oct. 7.

I want justice done on their behalf and the perpetrators of such atrocities punished. But I know, even though I can’t imagine how, that there are people out there who see these things as justified, as necessary even, who think of the nation I view as a miracle as a curse.

And I know that if I talk to those people and cry out, “How can this possibly be right?” they will respond that it is. And they will mean it. That conversation will go nowhere, and that won’t stop anyone dying.

Back in college, I was very active in Jewish student life. I also took Arabic, at which I was not great. Often in college, we Jewish students would be demonstrating opposite Muslim students, including some of my Arab classmates, over Israel and Palestine. There was nothing about that topic the groups could say to each other civilly.

However, I could talk about homework with the other students from class. Not only because I could use the help, but because it made me and them human to the others on our opposing sides. 

In the past, many Egyptians and Jordanians spilled Jewish blood in their own fighting wars with Israel, to no avail.

Miraculously, the leaders of those countries took a chance — not on winning, not on convincing the Israelis to disappear, but on coexisting. Israel did, too. And, by and large, it worked. And in recent years, other countries in the Arab and Muslim worlds have done the same with similar results.

One doesn’t make peace with those you like, but with those you hate. You don’t even need to stop hating them to have peace. You just need to agree further bloodshed isn’t going to finally make someone right, it will just make someone dead.

There is a growing list of countries making peace with Israel to the benefit of all. Add this to the centuries of generally positive coexistence between Muslims and Jews throughout history, and you might come away thinking that if vindication isn’t possible, then peace isn’t a bad consolation prize.

I pray those kidnapped will be found safe. And I pray that the blood has already been shed of that final person whose death will convince the sides that coexistence — that peace — is the only resolution.

Please, God, may that be so.

Aaron Benson is the rabbi at North Shore Jewish Center, based in Port Jefferson Station.

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Green dreams, commuter realities

Greatly improved service along the Long Island Rail Road’s Port Jefferson Branch is possible and necessary.

The time is opportune. New York’s Climate Leadership and Community Protection Act requires state agencies to move toward zero-carbon emissions. Virtually all local leaders of both parties support green energy for the Port Jefferson Branch. It is among the highest priorities of the Long Island Sierra Club, and it would substantially improve our local economy and real estate values.

This issue needs the attention of Gov. Kathy Hochul [D] as it brings to light the Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s lack of initiative regarding the CLCPA.

There is also the issue of MTA/LIRR accountability to local communities. Relocation of the Port Jeff train station to the Lawrence Aviation Superfund site in Port Jefferson Station would eliminate two grade-level crossing bottlenecks and two rickety, narrow bridges — one of which the state has agreed to repair at great expense. 

The LIRR has spent hundreds of millions of dollars eliminating grade-level crossings in Nassau County. Moving the station to Lawrence Aviation would be vastly less expensive than any of the Nassau projects.

LIRR planners suggest they want to electrify and “double track” the Port Jefferson line – not in our lifetime. I believe this is a “deal killer” pitched to prevent anything from being done. The LIRR planners admit that more land must be acquired by eminent domain to double track. This clearly gives the planners an excuse to spend money elsewhere.

The LIRR planners state it is not feasible to electrify the Port Jefferson Branch because there is insufficient ridership to sustain the investment. What was the population density along the Ronkonkoma line when they electrified the Ronkonkoma Branch? The LIRR planners strip ridership off the Port Jefferson Branch and then tell us the ridership will not sustain the investment.

To the MTA and LIRR, create a “one-seat ride” for the people of the North Shore. A ride that can go from Port Jefferson to Manhattan, “a better ride.” It is time to put our feet in the starting blocks.

And remember: We pay taxes, too.

Bruce Miller

Port Jefferson

Kornreich’s advocacy efforts spur local victory

It’s not simply about what our elected officials promise, but what they actually do. I just read your article, entitled, “Local candidates appeal to Three Village voters at civic meeting“ [The Village Times Herald, Oct. 5, TBR News Media]. Councilmember Jonathan Kornreich [D-Stony Brook] is quoted in the article, stating that he has concerns with overdevelopment in the Three Village area, and he is particularly frustrated with the public notification process in the Town of Brookhaven. Well, I can tell you firsthand that he has done something about it. 

I recently moved into an established condominium complex in Setauket. Shortly thereafter I attended a meeting, set up by Kornreich wherein he informed my neighbors and me about a development proposal pending on a lot behind many of our homes. The development proposal was extremely ambitious and would have retired deed restrictions on several acres of previously covenanted, protected natural buffer (open space) in order to construct a new road. After the meeting, a few of us asked Kornreich to put us in touch with the developer of the project, which he did. We met with the developer and the councilmember several times over the last six months, in a process facilitated by the councilmember. We convinced the developer to dramatically change his proposed project in a way that would eliminate the need for the road and a new entrance (the project involves adding to an existing senior, luxury apartment complex). The outcome was a big win for the (our) environment, as several acres of open space were spared. 

Last night, Oct. 3, everything was formalized at the required public hearing at Town Hall regarding the project. The first town-required public notice had been mailed to surrounding land owners just a few weeks prior. At the conclusion of the hearing, the Town Board formally approved the rezoning required for the project, contingent on the non-disturbance covenants for which the developer originally sought relief staying in place. How did this happen? How did we end with a noncontentious hearing, an acceptable development project and preservation of threatened open space? It took early work with the community, long before the actual site plan and rezoning application hearing; early work initiated and enabled by Kornreich’s outreach to our community. That is actually ”doing.”

Bill Spitz

Setauket

Jen Hebert’s vision for Huntington

Jen Hebert is running for the Huntington Town Board in the upcoming November election.

I strongly believe she’s the best possible candidate for the job. She brings vast experience from her nine years serving on the Huntington Board of Education. She also ran a local nursery school for many years, so she understands the challenges of being a small business in our town. Most importantly, Jen has experience representing her neighbors and being a voice for our community.

As a school board member, Jen fought tirelessly for Huntington students, staff and families. But she was also a careful and respectful steward of taxpayer money. Jen was completely dedicated to the job of school board trustee, almost never missing a meeting or event in the nine years she served.

During her time on the board, Jen worked to strengthen the curriculum, add extracurricular programs, improve and modernize district buildings, and build community trust in the board of education. Jen was also an integral part of the team that found a path to reopening the Jack Abrams school as an innovative STEM magnet school.

Huntington needs a proven leader like Jen Hebert on the Town Board. She’s an independent thinker, and has the experience and integrity we need and deserve.

Cathy Ribando

Huntington

Examining recent claims at Port Jeff village board meeting

I am compelled to address the comments made by trustee Drew Biondo during the recent Port Jefferson board meeting, specifically concerning alleged ethical violations of the previous administration. These statements, in my view, were not only unfounded but also potentially damaging to the harmony and trust of our community.

First, it is crucial to highlight that the current mayor, Lauren Sheprow, and Deputy Mayor, Rebecca Kassay, were both active and essential members of the very administration trustee Biondo criticized. They sat beside him during the meeting, serving as living reminders of their consistent dedication to the community’s welfare. Even more insulting was the fact that trustee Stan Loucks, another target of these accusations, was not present at the meeting to defend himself or respond. Such an approach is neither fair nor conducive to fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect. The trustees voted on all resolutions with integrity and a deep commitment to the community’s best interests. To levy such hefty accusations against them, especially when they were an integral part of the decisions made, is both dangerous and misleading.

The auditors have spoken, and their verdict is clear: The past administration has left healthy reserves of $1.8 million and a balanced budget. No violations or significant discrepancies were found. To publicly challenge these findings without substantial evidence is not just misguided but irresponsibly accusatory. It is imperative that we, as a community, ensure that our conversations and disagreements are rooted in fact, rather than conjecture or personal bias.

The placement of trustee reports after the public comment section in board meetings also deserves scrutiny. This order denies the public an essential opportunity to respond or reflect on the reports presented, undermining the spirit of community engagement and open dialogue.

But, beyond these immediate concerns, it is essential to note the broader implications.

Port Jefferson is at a pivotal moment in its history. Rather than becoming entangled in conspiracy theories and chasing elusive “smoking guns,” we should channel our energy toward tangible progress and collaboration. Clinging to unfounded accusations and creating obstacles only hinders our collective efforts to move the village forward. Our shared goal should be to build a stronger, connected community that thrives on mutual trust and shared ambitions.

Every comment, every decision and every action should move us closer to that goal. Let us put aside personal vendettas and focus on the broader vision for Port Jefferson — a village of progress, cooperation and shared dreams.

Let us work together, with facts and mutual respect, to ensure the bright future Port Jefferson deserves.

Traci Donnelly

Port Jefferson

 

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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

The world is a mess.

For some, that world doesn’t even need to extend beyond the walls of their own home, as they deal with one personal or family crisis after another.

For others, that includes horrible headlines and the reality of a world in which people jump at the opportunity to attack them physically, verbally or both. The world is filled with so much dry kindling that any kind of spark seems sufficient to lead to a brush fire.

And, stupidly, many of us look at our phones or watch the news right before we go to bed, giving our unconscious minds the opportunity to marinate in the misery and to imagine ourselves caught in circumstances beyond our control that conjure our worst nightmares on steroids.

Once our minds start to ponder these horrific realities, some of which play out in the protests and counter protests that characterize an American landscape filled with divisions and tectonic differences, we find ourselves staring, wide eyed, into a dark abyss.

Despite the need to give our minds and souls a rest to rebuild our resilience and prepare us for the next day, we struggle to sleep for any length of time.

Like a bad habit we can’t kick, sleep deprivation defines our existence, making us more vulnerable, angrier, and reactive to the kinds of stimuli, conspiracy theories, and information that unnerves us.

Shutting that down and ignoring the reality of a world coming apart doesn’t seem like an option, even if we ourselves aren’t doing anything other than losing sleep, arguing with friends, family or coworkers, and promising to vote for the person whose anger, frustration, and alarm bells sound similar enough to our own.

These restless nights exacerbate our feelings of unease and anxiety. Even for people who didn’t have a hard day filled with deadlines, challenging assignments, impossible bosses, or frustrating losses, the end of the day can feel less like a chance to reflect on triumphs than a moment to surrender to a cruel circadian rhythm that leaves us with even less emotional and energy reserves each day.

We need the kind of sleep that doesn’t depend on over the counter remedies. We need to feel safe, secure, and relaxed enough to rest.

For many of us in the United States, that relaxation can arise out of a belief in a better tomorrow. We can control ourselves, the world we create for our children, and the way we interact with each other.

We might sleep better if we feel like we improved someone else’s day, if we volunteer to help others, or if we take a moment to appreciate what we can control.

Getting up and circling the house at 2 or 4 am won’t help us the next day, nor will logging onto our computers and sending or responding to emails. We’re not doing our best work at those hours and we aren’t our most insightful.

The benefit of stories in which the characters live “happily ever after” is that it gives our minds resolution and helps us believe that things will work out for us as well.

Our parents and grandparents rarely tell us to give up, give in, and surrender to problems outside of our control. We shouldn’t tell ourselves that either, no matter how late at night we might start to believe it.

A good night’s sleep won’t help us solve the world’s problems, but it may help us start to solve some of our own. People have told me many times not to make decisions when I’m angry or frustrated. The same holds true for being tired. Finding solutions to our nighttime problems may contribute to discovering some relief from the pressures and worries of the day.

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By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

It’s difficult to live in the suburbs without a car. In fact, it’s almost impossible to raise a family here without four wheels. Many people own more than one to accommodate the various members of the household. And the costs of maintaining a car are escalating, threatening to take away from disposable income and the suburban quality of life.

Here are some statistics from a recent article in The New York Times that quotes the AAA. 

The average annual cost in the first five years of ownership is now $12,182. Last year it was $10,728. This jump is a result of higher purchase prices, maintenance costs and greater finance charges. Just to put this in its proper perspective: “That’s 16 percent of the median household income before taxes.” And about 92 percent of households own at least one; 22 percent have at least three.

Here are some more facts. All those personal cars number some 223 million and together add up to trillions of dollars a year in spending. (I can’t even check this because my calculator doesn’t go up that high.) How much, by comparison, was spent on public transportation in 2019 for capital and operating expenses? The answer, while still up in the mind-blowing category, is only 79 billion. Just drop the zeros and you get the point.

Car expenses can be on a par with housing, child care and food for some families. The average payment for a used car is $533, according to TransUnion, while the average for a new one is $741 a month. Multiply that by the number of cars parked in one driveway for a household.  

Some examples of car expenses: monthly payments, which have gone up in the last year, either to buy or lease, gas, registration, insurance, regular maintenance, perhaps tolls, parking, car washes and maybe even an un-budgeted accident. While insurance covers most of that, still there is deductible, perhaps loaner costs, not to mention the toll of stress and aggravation, which we are not even measuring with a price tag.

Now to the other side of the equation. Some people love their cars. They love driving them, washing them, caring for them, even naming them. They love shopping for them.  They love proudly comparing theirs to other comparable vehicles in animated discussions with likeminded owners. Their car is a pleasure they don’t mind spending on because they get more from it than just passage from one point to another. For some, a car is like having another child.

Since I grew up in New York City, where public transportation is, for the most part, excellent, my parents never had a car. I remember when my dad made a careful list of the expenses connected with owning a car and decided we could take taxis all over town for much less. Of course, we never took taxis either. And neither of my parents had a driver’s license. My mother, who loved a bargain, was particularly delighted that one could take the subway for miles, from one borough to the next, even to Coney Island and Rockaway Beach from midtown Manhattan for only one 15-cent token. Having to travel in a car for her would have been a deprivation.

The other issue about cars, of course, is pollution. As we are thinking green, we are aware that automotive emissions are responsible for some 50 to 90 percent of air pollution in urban areas. Wherever they are, motor vehicles are a major contributor to air pollution.Those emissions affect global warming, smog and various health problems. They include particulate matter, carbon monoxide and nitrogen dioxide. All of those are toxic to living organisms and can cause damage to the brain, lungs, heart, bloodstream and respiratory systems—among other body parts.

All of that notwithstanding, it is said we have a love affair with our cars.

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Sideshows, also known as street takeovers, are an increasingly pervasive crime phenomenon within Suffolk County and a critical public safety risk.

A sideshow is an informal and illegal public demonstration involving automotive stunts, often at vacant lots or public intersections. These gatherings usually are among young men, who illicitly schedule and promote these activities through social media.

During a recent community meeting at Hauppauge’s main firehouse, Suffolk County Police Department 4th Precinct Inspector David Regina shared alarming footage of recent nighttime gatherings and dangerous auto races at Hauppauge Industrial Park.

While sideshows may be afflicting Hauppauge and its surrounding communities for now, Regina noted that this trend is gaining traction regionally and nationally.

Here on Long Island, our roadways are dangerous enough as is. Just a week ago, Regina told the Smithtown Town Board that motor vehicle crashes of practically every variety were up within the 4th Precinct. We don’t need to add another safety hazard to our roadways, especially one as preventable as street racing.

Like many fads, our laws and criminal penalties have not yet caught up with this crime phenomenon. Officers alerted to these sideshows are often hamstrung, requiring two signed affidavits from separate business owners before initiating enforcement measures.

Suffolk County Legislators Leslie Kennedy (R-Nesconset) and Steven Flotteron (R-Brightwaters) are currently exploring changes to county law that would close this loophole.

We advise each incumbent and prospective county legislator within our coverage area to take this matter seriously. There are plenty of vacant lots throughout the North Shore, and this issue could soon be heading to our own backyards.

To those who may report a sideshow event, remember to stay out of the line of harm. These are raucous, dangerous gatherings. They should be handled by experienced law enforcement professionals, not private citizens.

We do sympathize with the young and adventurous auto racers who may wish for an outlet for their natural inclinations and energies. So often, our society shames and punishes this demographic without considering root causes or potential solutions.

If these young men seek the thrill of auto racing, then we should make alternative means available to them. The East End, for example, has long offered sanctioned auto racing at the Riverhead Raceway, located on Old Country Road near Tanger Outlets in Riverhead. This quarter-mile oval track is the only one of its kind on Long Island, providing sanctioned auto racing to local residents.

A similar venue in western Suffolk could provide the necessary outlet for the beleaguered racers among us while promoting public safety. We ask our county officials to explore such an alternative, perhaps siting the raceway at an existing county property.

Still, public awareness of this issue is crucial. If you see or hear of an illegal sideshow event, please notify SCPD immediately. And remember always to be vigilant when getting behind the wheel.

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Curriculum literature

I recently read a book about a boy in high school.

He had a supportive basketball coach who passed along quotes like “The quality of a man’s life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence, regardless of his chosen field or endeavor.”

He had a teacher that inspired him to do more with his life than previous generations. We should all want our children to achieve more than we have. This is a key part of the American dream. As such this book is patriotic in the best sense of the word.

There are too many inspiring role models in the boy’s life to list here.

This book provides a valuable perspective of a Native American who grew up on a reservation. A perspective that would be foreign to many of us if not for books like this one.

Some passages in the book are uncomfortable to read. Like a teacher admitting at one point the goal was to kill Native Americans; not literally but instead killing their culture. It’s uncomfortable, but unfortunately that is part of our history. Those that don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and those that prevent history being taught fully intend to repeat it.

The title of this book is “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” and the 11th-grade students at Ward Melville High School are lucky to have it as part of their curriculum.

Recently, some parents accused this book of being smut because of a few sentences referring to self-pleasure. Something not unique to this book and something most students are aware of by high school if not sooner.

It’s pretty clear that based on their objectives, the so-called Moms for Liberty and those associated with them are not truly for liberty. Instead, they should be called “Moms for Tyranny.” Their goal is to take away the freedoms of other people. Whether it’s an attempt to have a book removed or it’s an attempt to infringe on others civil liberties, it’s a level of tyranny that never should have left the dark ages.

A famous ship captain once said, “No one is so important that they can usurp the rights of another.” On that note, no one should ever infringe on a student’s liberty to read a great and patriotic work of literature as part of their curriculum.

Ian Farber

Setauket

How to pay for transit improvements

A Long Island Rail Road train arrives at Stony Brook train station during rush hour. Photo by ComplexRational from Wikimedia Commons

Here is how to pay for the transit initiatives outlined in last week’s editorial [“Interconnected trails: Local transit reimagined for Long Island,” Sept. 28, TBR News Media].

Federal funding is available to pay for Long Island Rail Road electrification of the Port Jefferson Branch. The project must be included in the Metropolitan Transportation Authority 2025-2044 20-Year Needs Assessment plan and upcoming 2025-2029 Five-Year Capital Plan.

The MTA must ask for and obtain permission from the Federal Transit Administration to enter this project in FTA’s Capital Investment Grant New Starts Core Capacity Program. MTA Chairman John “Janno” Lieber, LIRR Acting President Robert Free, U.S. Sens. Chuck Schumer [D-NY] and Kirsten Gillibrand [D-NY] along with the next Suffolk County executive must also be on board in support.

Apply for federal and state funding to purchase smaller buses and create new services. Suffolk County Transit was created in 1980 as a county-run oversight and funding agency for a group of private contract operators, which had previously provided such services on their own.

These companies manage the maintenance and operations of their buses. Buses are paid for by grants from the FTA with the 20% local share split between Suffolk County and state Department of Transportation. Both Suffolk County and NYSDOT provide operating assistance to cover shortfalls from farebox revenues.

Suffolk County Transit and Huntington Area Rapid Transit Bus both use FTA grants to pay for buses, paratransit vehicles, fareboxes, radio communication equipment, bus shelters, bus stop signs and other capital improvements required by private operators to continue providing safe and reliable service that riders count on. They can be used to pay for additional transportation service to serve residents, especially those who reside in low-density neighborhoods.

Operating subsidies are required to establish new service or increase the level of service and reduce the amount of time one waits for a bus on existing routes. Same for adding more off-peak, evening and weekend service. Many of the less dense towns will also have to step up and provide financial assistance to help pay for new services to communities with little or no bus service.

Funding for MTA or Suffolk County Transit is a four-way dance between what riders pay at the farebox and a combination of capital and operating assistance from Suffolk County, Albany and Washington via the FTA.

Everyone needs to have skin in the game. TANSTAAFL — “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch” — or in this case, bus or train ride.

Larry Penner

Great Neck

The writer is a transportation analyst and former director for Federal Transit Administration Region 2

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We welcome your letters, especially those responding to our local coverage, replying to other letter writers’ comments and speaking mainly to local themes. Letters should be no longer than 400 words and may be edited for length, libel, style, good taste and uncivil language. They will also be published on our website. We do not publish anonymous letters. Please include an address and phone number for confirmation. Scan the QR code above or email letters to [email protected] or mail them to TBR News Media, P.O. Box 707, Setauket, NY 11733

 

 

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By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

We need people around us for a host of reasons.

We have the kind of division of labor that makes it possible for someone like me with no mechanical skills whatsoever to fix, repair, install or replace something we need, like a dishwasher or roof, to pick up the phone and call a specialist who can do the job.

We also need people to provide the kind of food we don’t grow or cook ourselves and to ship that food across the country or the world.

How would we people watch without people strutting, holding hands, barking commands on cell phones, or pausing to take a giant mouthful of hot pizza?

We also need people for social and emotional reasons.

It’s helpful to have someone who can tell you whether your shoes match your outfit, who can point out if you have food in your teeth, or who can nix your idea to share a risqué joke with your boss.

We go through stages in life when our social needs rise and fall, depending on our age, vulnerabilities, and emotional equanimity.

I have several friends whose children are living through different phases in life, entering and leaving colleges, changing jobs or location, and starting or ending serious relationships.

When people in unfamiliar settings first settle into a new routine, they can feel vulnerable, disconnected, and incredibly lonely.

Making matters worse, they see other people around them laughing with friends, moving in a group, or chatting animatedly on the phone. Social media doesn’t help, as they can see pictures of other people having the times of their lives on other college campuses, surrounded by their new friends, while they look to the vacant space to the left and right of them.

These transitionary periods can make people feel as if they are the only ones without an invitation to an incredible party on the other side of the fence. They can hear music and laughter, they can smell the barbecued chicken, and they can see the flickering lights.

It’s as if a magnetic attraction drew everyone else together, while that same force repelled them, making them outsiders in their towns and universities.

While most young people can and do find comfort from companionship, the time when they feel as if they are on their own can seem extraordinarily long.

That’s where we come in.

You see, we are surrounded by students who are going to college, have returned for a few days or longer, or who have graduated and are trying to find their place in the world.

Some of them want or need nothing from us, as they glide effortlessly between their professional or academic responsibilities and their recharging social contacts.

Others, however, may be too unnerved or unsure to ask for help or to try to get what they may not even acknowledge they need.

The cost of offering an encouraging word, of asking about a student who is rounding up grocery carts in a parking lot, is restocking shelves at a department store or who is taking our order at a fast food restaurant is low.

Most of us are creatures of habit. We tend to go to the same places to eat, to buy our food, or to get our hardware store supplies.

When we go to those stores, we might see those same familiar faces, some of whom might be hiding behind extra long bangs or appear to be staring at their phones or shoes.

We don’t have to become best friends with any of them, and we don’t need to pull up a chair and ask their life stories.

We can, however, spend more than a few seconds getting whatever we need. We can ask how school is going, about the products they are selling or about the changing weather.

Those contacts, brief though they may be, could provide the kind of connection that offers them more of what they needed than whatever we purchased for ourselves in a store.

And who knows? Maybe our awkward attempts to offer some unsolicited connection can give them a good story to tell their current or future friends.

Surrounded by people, we can sometimes feel even more disconnected than we might if we were alone. Let’s try not to be too distracted to notice what someone else might need an encouraging or supportive word or two.

Students are not like the cracks in the sidewalk or the contour of a winding road: they may benefit from something we can and should consider sharing and that doesn’t cost anything more than our time and consideration.

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A scene from 'The Golden Bachelor' Photo from Facebook(ABC/Craig Sjodin)

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

Lately, there have been numerous articles about older folks and aging in general. At least, it seems so to me. Remember Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated? Probably the one now with the most buzz is “The Golden Bachelor,” the most recent in the long-running series of Bachelor programs shown on ABC.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to acknowledge that I have seldom watched any of the episodes on the so-called reality dating franchise. If I happened to be passing the television in my house, and one was on the screen, I might have been captured for a few minutes, especially by the beautiful settings in far away places, but it always struck me as improbably scripted.

Yes, I know there is some data showing that a few couples who met on the show actually married and went on to have children and make happy family lives for themselves. Good for those few, but it was too staged for me, and I never became hooked the way my mother, for example, was ensnared by “The Guiding Light” and other such radio soaps in her day.

It seems that television, in general, is suffering from a major drop-off in audience viewership, as people switch to streaming services. That is the case, except for older people, those above 60, who are reluctant to give up their favorite programs in favor of Netflix and hulu. So, some Bachelor television executive decided to give that older cohort more to watch, and as a result, we have been introduced to Gerry Turner, from Indiana, who is 72 years old and a widower looking for a new partner.

Now, he is not a billionaire jet-setting around the world but in need of a companion to make his life complete; rather he is retired from the food distribution industry and had a loving marriage that was cut short by his wife’s tragic bacterial infection. A father of two grown daughters and two granddaughters, who enthusiastically support his new role, he is attractive enough to hold the attention of 22 women contestants also looking for a mate. The women are between 60-75, range from divorced and widowed mothers and grandmothers, and in turn are alluring enough to put a gleam in Turner’s eye as he meets them for the first time.

How do I know? I watched the first episode, not on its Thursday night time slot but on a streaming service a couple of nights later. I admit it. I was curious enough to see what love was going to look like for the silver set.

The tone of the program was, if anything, conspicuously wholesome. What could be more wholesome than a mid-Westerner talking about how he lost his middle-aged wife of 43 years, whom he met in high school, and crying on national television? Still, Turner was called, “sexy,” and though the ladies were, for the most part, relatively restrained in their manners, the underlying message was, “Yes, older people can be attractive and still be looking for love.”

There is another message that seems to have emerged, as this quote from an article in The New York Times reveals.

“The prevailing narrative surrounding the growing number of unmarried older adults tends to focus on the risks of isolation and loneliness. [One in three baby boomers is single.] But Sindy Oh, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, said she was struck by how different dating could be for her older clients because they had a much stronger sense of self. ‘They have accepted who they are, and they are presenting themselves as is,’ she said.”

This seems to fit what is offered by “The Golden Bachelor.” The producers note that when they cast for other Bachelor shows, intended for 20s and 30s participants, they sense that the auditioners feel they have to present a version of themselves that is what the show is looking for. But these women who responded were just themselves and could laugh about their age.

Older people still have hope.

 

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A biker enjoys a section of the Greenway Trail.

Generations ago, the pioneers of suburbia planned our region with one mode of transportation in mind. Cars.

Our forebears, led by urban planner Robert Moses from the 1920s onward, developed our region around the automobile, viewing the car as the mechanical embodiment of core American values: individualism, autonomy, freedom and progress.

To accommodate their automotive aspirations, they built elaborate networks of roads and bridges, connecting every home to every school, supermarket, shopping mall and office park along a continuous stretch of pavement.

Generations later, we now know this thinking was profoundly short sighted. Modern realities of endless traffic congestion painfully extinguish yesterday’s fantasies of limitless open road.

Today, we exist in a decidedly auto-focused, auto-dependent context whereby every essential activity in our lives is mediated by — and requires access to — a motor vehicle.

While cars are indisputably an important component of our transportation ecosystem, they cannot be the only mode of transportation available to us.

Many seniors or people with disabilities cannot operate a car. Young people entering the workforce often cannot afford the high costs of car ownership and maintenance. It should come as no surprise that these demographics are fleeing our region in droves.

A recent AAA report estimates the average annual cost of car ownership is now over $12,000 per year — up more than 13% from last year. For our residents, cars represent a growing liability, disrupting our finances and hindering our quality of life.

Hiking and biking trails are a possible remedy to our transit woes. While creating valuable recreational opportunities, these amenities fulfill an even greater need by opening an alternative to our cars.

For example, the North Shore Rail Trail extends from Mount Sinai to Wading River, running parallel with state Route 25A. For nearby residents, the trail facilitates access to every storefront, parkland and local institution along that highly trafficked corridor — without an automobile.

Unlike the road, that confines us to the interior of our cars, the trail places us outdoors and in relation with nature. Trails restore that vital connection to the land severed long ago through auto-focused regional planning.

The time is now to expand and interconnect our existing trails. Like our roads, we must connect every community on Long Island along one continuous greenway.

The North Shore Rail Trail and the Setauket-Port Jefferson Station Greenway are separated by just over a mile. Planning must commence now to link these trails together. 

But we cannot stop there. We must plan and construct new hiking and biking routes, introducing these trails to communities currently without them.

Unlike past decision-making, our plans for new trails must be done purposefully. Greenways should not be limited to parks and open spaces — they must also extend into our neighborhoods, our commercial districts and our schools.

Still, an integrated transportation network must account for all modes of transport — private and public. A more agile and efficient bus system is in order. We call upon Suffolk County Transit officials to explore shorter buses that can better maneuver and adapt to meet the needs of riders.

Our commuters require faster, more frequent rail service. The electrification of the Port Jefferson Branch of the Long Island Rail Road would satisfy this end. We call upon the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, U.S. Congressman Nick LaLota (R-NY1) and our New York State delegation to advance this plan more aggressively.

With creative thinking, community-based planning and bold vision, we can revolutionize our transit network, rectifying decades-old faults and counteracting our regional decline. Together, let us blaze new trails ahead. Suffolk County’s new GEAR Up program is a step in the right direction.

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