D: None of the Above: Jayson and I both take responsibility for Boebert’s boorish behavior

By Daniel Dunaief

Lauren Boebert’s behavior is, undoubtedly, my fault.

No, I don’t know her and I didn’t meet her and no, I wasn’t there that night when she acted in a way that some of those who have watched and rewatched the videos of her might deem inappropriate. That horrible night, which we’d all like to forget, forced her to deny she was vaping until the video came out showing her vaping. Those images made it clear that denial wasn’t just a river in Egypt and it wasn’t an option.

No, you see, I should have been better to her.

I could have sent her more positive vibes in the universe, because she deserves them. She’s a victim of my eye rolling and my negative attitude towards her. What else could she have done that night she was vaping, taking pictures and videos and acting in a way that didn’t protect the children she’s worried might learn the wrong lessons from the LGTBQ community? It’s the free floating negativity that forced her to need to blow off steam and enjoy herself in a way that reduced the pleasure other people could get from going out that night.

No, her soon-to-be ex husband Jayson and I should have been better to her. If we had put that positive energy into the world and had given her reason to smile and relax and feel coddled and supported, she wouldn’t have acted that way and had to deal with this mess.

I’m so sorry for the agony I have caused her and the discomfort you all might have felt at behavior and words that she didn’t mean to exhibit and that was less her than it was a manifestation of the version of her created by the doubters.

Of course, she meant to be rude and disrespectful to the president of the United States when he gave his State of the Union speech because that’s what she and her constituents wanted and far be it for me, Jayson or anyone else to get in the way of a good public tongue lashing at other officials who deserve it.

That’s one thing. This is another. Now, if the president had been at the theater, all bets are off as to what she would have felt, and rightly so, would have been appropriate, defensible and acceptable behavior.

But Biden wasn’t there, at least not that we know of. He was probably off either not doing what he should have been doing or doing what he shouldn’t have been doing. In some circles, the president can’t win for trying or for not trying, so he’s living in a heads-they-win, tails-he-loses scenario.

This isn’t about the big, old guy, though, who is an incredibly significant few years older than his predecessor. This is about that paragon of virtue and righteousness Lauren, who has, thankfully, returned to Washington. That swamp was missing something while she was gone and it feels more like home now that she’s back.

So, anyway, just to be clear, it’s my fault. Well, mine and Jayson’s and anyone else who had the temerity to live under the blanket of the very freedom she provides and then questions the manner in which she provides it. No, wait, that’s from “A Few Good Men” and not from “Beetlejuice” or any other event at which Lauren, her cleavage and her middle finger attended.

Look, I’m sure the security guards, who are hard working people, probably deserved her angry gesture. I should probably apologize to them, too, because she never would have felt the need to be “eccentric” and different if I had just accepted her for who she is, was, will be, or can be.

She needed to get it out of her system and now, she’ll be a better, stronger, faster person. Like the six million dollar man, we can rebuild her reputation, giving her a bionic eye that she can use to spot the president wherever he goes.

It’s not easy being powerful, connected and influential. We all need moments to escape from that, particularly when people don’t always appreciate the wonderful role models and leaders who are working for all of us, well for almost all of us. She can’t support those people who might corrupt our children’s minds with their unacceptable behavior and inappropriate viewpoints.

I know what you’re thinking, you sneaky eye rollers. I used to be one of you. But, no, I see the error of my ways, just as Lauren and Jayson and her ex-boyfriend Quinn do. We are all going to be better people because of this and we will learn and grow and try not to do anything in public where video cameras might catch us and make it hard to deny behavior recorded on film.

Right here, right now, let’s agree to send good vibes to everyone because that’s what makes the world go ‘round. Well, that and a readiness to lay the blame at the feet of those who deserve it.  So, yeah, I’m sorry and I wasn’t rolling my eyes just now. I was looking up at a bird, even though I’m inside and it’s night.