By Daniel Dunaief
Our story begins some time around now. No, there’s no chocolate, despite the season, and there’s no meadow where everything is edible.
No, our modern-day story begins where so much of us live these days, online.
You see, a famous and once marvelous company called Twitter is run by an eccentric, wealthy and successful businessman named Elon Musk, who somehow figured out how to create and mass produce electric cars that require no gas and that sound like spaceships.
Musk has decided, after many hours of running Twitter, that he needs to find a successor.
So, borrowing a page from Willy Wonka, he provides invitations that cost 3 cents per tweet to enter a sweepstakes.
When he narrows the field down to those who get the golden tweet, he plans to invite a group of five people to come to a virtual, top secret Twitter tour.
A few people try to make fake tickets, but the ever vigilant Musk spots the fraud. Day after day, people wait until, finally, five people, some of whom have never tweeted in their lives, have a chance to run the company.
Musk appears on screen wearing a top hat and a menacing smile. He demands that no one record what they see or take a screenshot of the secrets he is prepared to share.
Each person has a tiny image — about 1/4 the size of Musk’s — as they virtually walk through a factory floor.
On the first stop, Musk invites them to join him in the secret Hunter Biden/ New York Post room. Ah, yes, the story about the infamous laptop, which will undoubtedly become a part of an extensive investigation into the Biden progeny, is in this room.
“Don’t try to read anything!” he snaps.
But, of course, one of the contestants can’t resist. With a special tool that tracks eye movements, Musk knows that contestant No. 1, who is chewing gum constantly, is trying to decipher all the information. Her screen develops a horrible virus that turns it (and her entire computer) purple.
“You see?” he says, shaking his virtual head at the other small characters. “That’s what you get when you don’t listen. Oh, look, here they come now.”
Wearing virtual clothing embroidered with the Tesla logo, a modern day group of Oompa-Loompas appears on screen.
“Oompa, loompa, doompa dee do.
I’ve got another riddle for you.
Oompa loompa, doompa dee dee
if you are wise, you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you don’t listen to Musk?
A virus on your computer that will kill it before dusk.
Who do you think should have the last laugh?
It certainly won’t be you or your staff.
Take a moment to ponder this fact,
Running Twitter may take too much tact.”
“Well,” Musk interrupts, waving away the virtual characters. “That’s enough of that. Now, let’s go for a virtual boat ride.”
In everyone steps as a boat careens through a choppy river, passing one door after another, with the names of celebrities who have been suspended hanging from each virtual room.
The boat stops near an embankment. The Musk character invites his guests to look at some special doors.
When he turns around, his virtual eyes widen in shock, his lower jaw drops down to his knees, and he hunches his shoulders.
“How? What? Wait, what’s going on?” he stammers, looking closely at the faces of his remaining four contestants.
Sure enough, on screen, Musk recognizes that two of the faces are the same as his, while the other two look like versions of Donald Trump.
“No, but, I made this game,” he whines. “How will we find out who wins?”
“Ah,” one of the Trumps says. “For that, you’ll have to tune into the sequel, which will only cost $99 and will become a collector’s item in no time.”