D. None of the Above: A novel and free food stop sign...

D. None of the Above: A novel and free food stop sign on the way to a jelly donut

Jelly donuts. METRO photo

By Daniel Dunaief

Daniel Dunaief

You don’t have to pay me. I’m not selling anything, and I don’t have any desire for you to provide testimonials.

Many of you have probably pledged to lose weight. It’s healthy, you’ll look and feel better, and you might increase your endurance, allowing you to walk, jog or engage in your exercise of choice for longer. Some of you may have gone to the gym for a week or even a month and are ready for a break or, maybe, a different way.

Before I proceed, I’d recommend that those with weak stomachs or who are eating one of their favorite meals not read this until you’ve happily digested your food and are now prepared for something that might not be all that pleasing.

No, I’m not going to suggest something harmful or particularly unhealthy. I’d like to suggest a few sensory images to keep in mind that will prevent you from eating too much of the wrong foods.

So, let’s say there’s a jelly donut at your office. Now, I want you to picture or imagine any of the following:

— You’re exercising at the gym (you don’t have to go to the gym. Just imagine yourself there). Maybe you’re on an elliptical machine. There, standing in front of you is a man who has a ring of hair above his ears and a bald spot on top of his head. He’s on the phone, with air pods in his ears, and he brings his index finger slowly to the bald part of his head. He starts digging his fingernail into that spot. Over and over and over again. You try to look away, but then, he’s still there, digging. Even with all the noise of other people grunting, sweating and clearing the phlegm from the backs of their throats, you can hear the scratching as if it were broadcast directly into your ears. You want him to leave, but he’s planted in front of you.

Yes, I know I may have turned you off the gym and food at the same time. Then again, were you really going to the gym or were you just looking for an excuse to cuddle up under the covers? And, yes, this did happen to me.

— Okay, next, you’re walking into a house filled with dogs after a rainstorm. The dogs are friendly enough and, in fact, want you to pet them, which is fairly unpleasant because their fur is covered with water. Soon, the smell of matted, wet, soggy dog fur overwhelms you. You can barely breathe as you search for an open window and fresh air. That donut might taste like wet fur at this moment, right?

— You don’t have to work out to imagine this one, either. Picture yourself in a gym locker room. You’ve changed into your work clothes and are ready to return to your desk. But, wait, the scent of body odor is so strong that you have to breathe shallowly through your mouth. You search for the exit, which seems to have moved, leaving you stuck in a foul-smelling maze. A jelly donut is the last thing on your mind.

— The heating system in your office suddenly goes on full blast, turning your office into a sauna. It’s so hot that sweat drips down your forehead and lands in a growing puddle on the floor. Your body sticks to the material on your seat. Even the saliva in your mouth feels too hot to swallow. Water is much more appealing and refreshing than food at this point.

Okay, so, if all you got out of that is that you now want a jelly donut, my apologies. Chances are, you wanted one anyway and maybe it’s time to find a gym that smells nice and where men aren’t scratching their scalps. If, however, those unappealing images work for you, consider this a free food stop sign.