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Leah Dunaief

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Photo by Chris Boland/Unsplash: www.chrisboland.com/cambridge-wedding-videographer

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

A dear friend is British and sent us an invitation to a coronation party a couple of months ago. It was more like a “save the date” at that point, but we could already feel his excitement. It was to be held at his and his wife’s home. We would not be expected to arrive in time to see the real thing in the middle of the night on May 6, the time difference being what it is, but rather we would catch a recording of the historic event starting at 12:30 p.m., a much more civilized hour.

We were instructed to wear clothes that would be appropriate for a visit to Ascot. For those who might not know, Ascot is a racecourse that was founded by Queen Anne in 1711, when the American colonies were still in their cradles. Described on the internet as being a “pillar of British sporting and social culture,” it is a snooty place. 

We got the idea. We were to dress up. And especially, we were to wear our finest jewelry, with much bling, which in my case consists only of a string of pearls. On the day, I forgot to adorn myself. But for some reason, probably because I must have seen pictures in my checkered past, I associate Ascot with large, elegant, saucer-shaped hats. 

Now I don’t own a hat, if you exempt my ski cap. So I begged a young and chic friend to loan me one of hers, which she did. It was a broad-brimmed brown straw job with a black netting, and it coordinated perfectly with the rest of my outfit, which consisted of a black silk blouse and brown patterned cotton pants. 

Last Saturday, Coronation Day, I sailed into the party as if I were joining the crowd at Ascot, hoping the hat would not in turn sail off from its rakish angle on the side of my head. Happily, it obeyed.

The party was a total delight. The hosts had decorated their home with every possible bit of Britannica, from posters to red, white and blue Union Jacks that were hung from the rafters on the back deck and emblazoned on the napkins and paper plates. By the way, since I didn’t know this and was interested to learn so I am sharing with you, the Union Jack (from Jacobus, the Latin version of James)  represents a combination of the flags of England, Scotland and Ireland. Sadly, Wales is not represented due to historic mis-timing, but was given a “supporter” role in the royal coat of arms of England, used by the Tudors from 1485. The Welsh don’t seem to mind.

The food was symbolic and simply scrumptious. There was beef and kidney pie, pork rolls, two different kinds of quiche, salad, chopped veggies in what seemed like a vinegar drizzle, slices of fresh ham with mustard, croissants filled with lunch meat, and an overflowing bread basket. I’m sure I am forgetting half the delicacies. And then there were the desserts lined up on a groaning dining room table. As you can imagine, all of this was washed down nicely with red and white wines and glasses of champagne. Charles would have been impressed.

The weather cooperated wonderfully, the day bright with sunshine and the perfect temperature for all humans in the 70s. As if all the above were not enough, the hosts created a Royalty Coronation Quiz. With prizes for the winners. (“Stuff I’ve wanted to get rid of for years,” according to the Master of Ceremonies.) There were 20 questions, such as “Name the three children of Prince William of Wales,” and “Explain President Biden’s snub to the British by just sending his wife to attend the Coronation.”

Some 25 guests were at the festivities, four with UK accents, the rest of us Americans, I’m guessing. We acquitted ourselves reasonably well. I came home with four flamingo long stemmed stirrers and a tiny bottle of gin.

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Bel Powley stars as Miep Gies in 'A Small Light' now streaming on Hulu and Disney +

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

A limited series, “A Small Light,” now streaming on Hulu and on Disney+, tells of Miep Gies and her husband, Jan, the Dutch couple who risked their lives hiding the family of Otto Frank from the murderous Nazis during WWII. We know of them from his younger daughter, Anne Frank’s diary that she kept while in their “annex” above the Frank’s business in Amsterdam. This film marks what would have been Miep’s 114 birthday and relates the familiar story from a different perspective, that of Otto Frank’s courageous secretary and would-be savior.

While I have read “The Diary of Anne Frank,” and seen the play, I was riveted by an email I received from a friend, Steve North, who is both a broadcast journalist with CBS and a member by marriage of my extended family. He contacted me to urge that I watch the film, which I will as soon as I can figure out how to get onto Hulu. Meanwhile, I would like to reproduce an abridged version of what he wrote.

In the first half of 1929, two baby girls were born to Jewish families living in and near Frankfurt, Germany. One, sweet and dark-haired, had an older sister; the other, a smiling redhead, was an only child. As they turned 4 years old, the safe worlds their parents had created for them began to crumble. Hitler had come to power, and life for every German Jew was rife with danger. The dark-haired girl’s father decided to flee the country with his wife and children to Amsterdam. Some time later, the red-haired child’s parents made the same decision, eventually making their way to New York.

The dark-haired girl was Anne Frank, whose extraordinary diary, written in the years before her death at age 15 in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, has made her the single most recognizable victim of the Holocaust.

The red-haired girl is my mother, Brunhilde Bachenheimer, and when I climbed the narrow stairs to Anne Frank’s hiding place 35 years ago, I was overcome with the realization that my own family had so narrowly escaped a similar fate.

On a return trip to Amsterdam in 1998, I felt an intense need to connect with Anne’s life and story on a deeper level. I wrote a note to Miep Gies, who had become an employee and friend of Anne’s father, Otto, in 1933. Back then, Miep took an immediate liking to the vivacious and intelligent Anne, thinking, “This is the kind of child I’d like to have someday.”

In 1942, the brutal oppression of Dutch Jews by the Nazi occupiers of Holland escalated, with an increase in deportations. After Anne’s sister was ordered sent to Germany, Otto Frank approached his loyal bookkeeper and asked if she and her husband, Jan, would be willing to risk their lives by hiding the Franks and four other Jews. Miep’s immediate reply: “Of course.”

The rest of the overall story is well-known. Miep found and hid the diary until she could give it to Anne’s grieving father, the only survivor of the eight hidden Jews. Steve connected with Miep some 50 years after the war and, delighted to have met her, wrote his interview shortly before she died.  

While I have yet to see the drama, which has received excellent reviews, it surely poses the question to the viewers: What would you have done? 

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Tofu

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

In the middle of the last century, which is when I was growing up, no one I knew had ever heard of tofu. In fact, restaurants where we might have encountered tofu were few and limited to university campus neighborhoods like the sole Japanese restaurant near Columbia University on the City’s upper west side.

But of course, in addition to all the other revolutions in the intervening years, we have eateries offering unending ethnic foods. Dining out has become a gastronomic visit to every corner of the globe. And I, and my family, have discovered tofu.

I love tofu.

Now for a long while, tofu got a bad rap. Tofu is, of course, soy, and soy has relatively high levels of isoflavones, which are similar to the hormone estrogen. This hormone has been linked to cancer, and further there was the concern that soy might affect fertility and even cause men to develop feminine characteristics.

In fact, after many years of trials and study, soy has not only been declared safe but also to be of possible benefit to good heart and metabolic health. Tofu offers considerable protein and all nine essential amino acids, B vitamins, healthy unsaturated fatty acids and assorted minerals, including calcium, magnesium, zinc and iron. And according to a recent article in The New York Times, while isoflavones can “weakly mimic estrogens, they also seem to have anticancer, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties.”

Not only does soy seem not to promote breast cancer, studies have shown it may even lower such risk for women compared to those who ate little or no soy. It may even protect against prostate and lung cancers. Further studies have largely disproven any association of soy with diminished fertility or sperm count. And in a more than 30-year study of nearly 120,000 health care professionals in the United States, “those who consumed at least one serving of tofu or soy milk per week were 15 to 16% less likely to die than those who ate less than one serving per month.” There you have it, encouragement to eat tofu for our health.

What about taste?

Tofu is definitely more than a blob in a square package. It can be smoked, made into noodles, baked, shredded and flavored in unlimited ways. Tofu was invented some 2000 years ago in China and consumed throughout Asia. So now that 9% of United States households use tofu in multiple ways, we can helpfully categorize it as presented in three types: basic, chewy and intensely flavored. Like eggs and chicken, basic tofu’s flavor is neutral, which allows it to incorporate profitably any additional ingredients. It can serve in stir-fries or even crisped in an air fryer and presented with a dipping sauce, for example.

To prepare tofu, “high-protein food grade soybeans are soaked, made into soy milk and coagulated with a salt or edible organic acid or both. The resulting semisolid curds and clear whey are manipulated for different kinds of tofu,” according to The New York Times.”Texture is determined by whether and how the curds are pressed. Basic tofu options include silken, medium, medium-firm, firm, extra-firm and superfirm. Many dishes involve slicing, cubing and mashing tofu, but depending on its density, it can be scooped, crumbled and even grated.” 

You may have to visit Chinese or Vietnamese markets  to go beyond silken and firm. Pressed (baked) tofu, tofu sheets and fried tofu are all made with chewy tofu. They can look like pasta if cut up into thin strips for a salad. White and red fermented  tofu are deeply flavored and sold in jars at Asian markets in the condiments section. They can be fragrant, rich from sesame oil or spicy from chile.

Tofu can be used in place of animal protein, as a substitute for ricotta in lasagna or mozzarella in a caprese, or as a replacement for high carbs. Since it is already cooked, tofu can go anywhere without fuss.

See why I like it?

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Pixabay photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

As I drive along the local roads, the sight of the bright yellow forsythia, the symphony of pink cherry blossoms, dogwood and magnolia and the yellow daffodils waving” hello” uplift my spirits and bring me joy. Yes, it’s spring, glorious spring! And the weather could not be more cooperative. We have been able to shed our heavy jackets, sweaters and such, and even give our air conditioners a brief trial run when the temperature hit the high 80s and stayed there for a couple of days. Best of all, we know this splendor is early, and the beautiful season, when Nature festoons the earth, is just beginning.

At one and the same time, the news about human activities blackens the world. Every day, yes every day, we wake up to the news of more mass shootings, more homicides. Because a teenage boy rings the bell of the wrong house on his errand to pick up his younger siblings, he is then shot to death. Because a car full of teenage girls pulls into the wrong driveway, shots are fired at the vehicle as it is trying to back out and one young woman is killed. Because yet another unarmed young man tries to run away from the police at a traffic stop, he deserves to be murdered.

What is happening to our country?

These horrors are occurring because people are afraid. Unless he has cognitive issues, why would an 84-year-old man answer his door with a gun? Why would someone inside a house shoot at a car that just entered the driveway unless they were terrified for themselves. This is more than a mental health issue, which might be blamed for shooting up employees in a bank. This is about cold, petrifying fear.

Thank heavens that Nature goes about her business transforming the earth into a paradise because we humans need something to offset the hell we are creating. People are asked if they are afraid for their children to go to school. To school, which was always the safest place to get children off the streets. Now more than three quarters of the parents say, “Yes.” And so do more than half of the children in elementary school and middle school. Never mind COVID-19 and inflation. They are passing, or will eventually. But the violence that we are living with? That just seems to be getting worse.

What can we do? We know that bad things happen when good people do nothing. But how can we improve our society?

One answer, I believe, is to turn to family and community. Strong family support and a tight-knit community offer security that is close at hand. Parents who let their children feel the love, who set standards and limits, who teach values by example and talk to their children about fears, who are there when most needed — these actions go a long way toward offering meaningful response to a frightening world.

For us adults, meeting the neighbors and creating a Neighborhood Watch for mutual protection is both a safety and social advantage. Participating in one of the many local non-profits, from Rotary to the civic associations and PTAs in the schools to the historical societies to actually running for office can strengthen a sense of belonging and empowerment.

And then there is kindness. I’m not sure how one goes about teaching kindness except by practicing it. Kindness offsets bullying, it makes both the giver and receiver feel noticed and valued. Who has time to visit a sick neighbor? But then, we all have time to hold the door open for the person behind us, and for that person to thank the door holder, or to let the car waiting to join the line of traffic enter in front of us and in return see a thank-you wave.

And there is always Nature for respite. A walk in the park or along a beach can be restorative. Nature, too, can be violent, but storms pass. With effort and focus, perhaps human storms can, too.

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Photographer Steven Zaitz won second place in the Best Picture Story category for his coverage of the Town of Smithtown’s Memorial Day Parade.

By Heidi Sutton

From news articles and feature stories to photography, special supplements, ad projects and classifieds, TBR News Media  took home 11 awards from the New York Press Association’s Better Newspaper Contest this year. The winners were announced during NYPA’s annual Spring Conference and Trade Show in Albany on March 31 and April 1.

Over 150 newspapers in New York State took part in the annual event celebrating newspaper excellence with 2,657 entries competing for 380 awards in 73 categories covering the editorial, advertising and circulation efforts of the state’s dailies and weeklies. Members of the Colorado Press Association were tasked with judging this year’s contest.

“Newspapers create a brand-new product on a daily or weekly basis, 52 weeks a year,” said New York Press Association Executive Director Michelle Rea in a press release. “They work on tight deadlines with small staffs, covering local government, breaking news, sports, business, entertainment, and more. Receiving recognition from their peers in another state is affirming and energizing. We salute them for the top quality, important work they do.”

TBR News Media’s weekly opinion piece, D. None of the Above by Daniel Dunaief, captured first place for Best Column. In reviewing the three submissions — “The complexities of plural nouns and words for animal groups,” “From Suffolk, UK, to Suffolk, NY, a family reflects on the late queen,” and “Seeing teachers through the eyes of an appreciative child” — the judge wrote, “Imaginative and compelling. Fun storytelling that makes for an easy read.”

Editor Raymond Janis won second place in the Coverage of Local Government category. Regarding his submissions of the articles “Uptown Port Jeff undergoes transformation” and “On the edge: Port Jeff Village weighs the fate of its country club,” the judge commented, “This reporter delves deep into a complicated story about a town landmark and development pressures and how a community can approach preserving a delicate area in the face of continued deterioration. Nicely written, well-sourced and clearly a story that is of deep interest to this community. This kind of coverage is the hallmark of strong local reporting.”

Janis also received an Honorable Mention in the Best News or Feature Series category for covering the Town of Brookhaven’s redistricting process.

TBR News Media was honored with second place in the Best Local Business Support Campaign category for its annual People of the Year feature which honors community members who have shared their time and talents to enhance the place they live for the benefit of all. “Nice program,” wrote the judge. “Shows involvement in the community. And involves the community.”

Managing editor Rita J. Egan received an Honorable Mention in the Best Feature Story category for her article titled “Town to move Roe Tavern back to North Country Road in East Setauket.” The judge wrote, “I like the way this combined current and historic information.”

Cartoon by Kyle Horne

The paper’s resident cartoonist Kyle Horne also received an Honorable Mention in the Best Editorial Cartoon category for an illustration related to the Town of Brookhaven’s redistricting process with the judge commenting, “I like the local angle this takes, even though it could be a cartoon drawn for any place in the country, following redistricting.”

Photographer Steven Zaitz won second place in the Best Picture Story category for his coverage of the Town of Smithtown’s Memorial Day Parade. “Good variety of parade photos. Clear photos, good composition and lots of expression!” wrote the judge.

TBR News Media’s annual supplement Harvest Times by editor Heidi Sutton received two third place awards — one for Best Special Section Cover and another for Best Special Sections/Niche Publications in Newsprint — with the judge commenting, “Love the entire fall theme, from festivals, farms to seasonal soup and pie recipes. Creative use of color. Layout is very readable.”

Art/Production Director Beth Heller Mason received an Honorable Mention for Best Small Space Ad for the design of the Pazzo Ristorante and Wood Fired Pizza ad in TBR’s Arts & Eats supplement. “The flames and brick in the background tell you that this is brick oven pizza without ever saying it in words. The ad tells me this is no ordinary pizza!” wrote the judge.

Rounding out the awards, Classifieds Director Sheila Murray won second place in the Classified Advertising category. “I like the way the designer used different line weights to separate sections. Also, the use of white space above and below the line ads makes the pages not feel so cluttered and makes it easier to read the ads. Sometimes designing in black and white can be challenging, but this layout is an example of how to do it right. This was very close between first and second places,” wrote the judge.

“I’m tremendously proud of our staff and grateful for their commitment to excellent journalism. I’m delighted that the awards represent the breadth of our talent, from writing to advertising to art,” said TBR News Media publisher Leah Dunaief. “In addition to it being our job, it is our pleasure to serve our communities.” For a full list of winners, visit nynewspapers.com/nypa.

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METRO photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

A recent article that I saw on the Internet claimed that nine out of 10 graduates had regrets about their college. Wow! That’s almost unanimous discontent. Most regretted the heavy debt they had incurred. Some said the college they chose wasn’t a good fit for them. Others expressed disappointment with their major. I, too, have a regret about college; although I am not one generally to harbor regrets, I will confess that regret now.

I regret that I didn’t study harder when I was lucky enough to be in college. Now, this has nothing to do with my particular college. It is a personal failing. I am sure I would have behaved much the same way wherever I had gone to school. But here is the thing about college. It’s much the same thing as is said about computers: garbage in, garbage out.

Had I applied myself a lot harder, I would have gained a lot more in the way of a splendid education from my college courses and years. After all, I went to a fine college. Instead, I was more interested, especially during the first two years, in dating.

Not to be too hard on myself, I had a lot of catching up to do on that front. The last time I was in a co-ed situation before college was in the sixth grade of my neighborhood elementary school. For junior high and high school, I attended one of the schools in New York City requiring an entrance exam, and it was for all girls.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved the school. Many of the teachers had PhDs. I knew I was getting a first-rate education, and I really applied myself to my studies. What else was there to do? I even thrived on the keen competition there, despite the fact that it was considered appropriate to bemoan such a barbaric value.

It was also appropriate to wish the school were co-ed, which we all did, and fervently at the time. Now it is co-ed, and as I look back, I am not so sure that was such a good idea.

But I digress.

My college was also one of what was then regarded as the prestigious Seven Sisters and technically all women, although we certainly didn’t refer to ourselves that way at the time. We were girls, and it was an all-girls college. On the other hand, right across the main avenue that ran in front of the campus was an all-boys undergraduate college.

Needless to say, I crossed the road, both to get to the other side, (as in the old joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road”?) and also to use the library at the all-male school. That library was larger, had more comfortable seats, better lighting, and besides, I rarely returned without having at least one date, sometimes two, and even occasionally three dates for the upcoming weekend. It took the first two years to come to something approaching equilibrium.

Life was good. But for my grades, not so much.

Furthermore, I thought that I didn’t really have an appropriate major. I was pre-med. That wasn’t considered a true major, but it did require many hours of science classes that came with many hours in many labs. I could have spaced out those labs — heavy courses — but thought I should get them out of the way sooner. I did have a faculty advisor those first two years, who was a lovely person, and a famous history professor. She knew little about science requirements, confessed as much, and then signed whatever assortment of subjects I put before her to approve.

“You must pick a major,” I was told. And so I picked English because it provided me with an antidote to all those heavy science classes. Reading was a merciful escape. So was writing. I was casual about that decision, though, because I was sure I was never going to use those skills.

Who knew?

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Pixabay photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

To see how it worked, when I got the link for ChatGPT, the Artificial Intelligence or OpenAI software sent from my grandson, I asked it to write 650 words about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Why FDR? I had just finished reading a book about FDR’s “Splendid Deception,” the ways the president hid his polio infirmity from the American public, and he was on my mind. 

So, I am going to let you see what was written immediately, on command, in less than five minutes before my disbelieving eyes. Remember, this was authored by a robot.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt, commonly known as FDR, is remembered as one of the most influential and transformative leaders in American history. During his 12-year tenure as President, he led the United States through some of its most challenging times, including the Great Depression and World War II.

FDR was born into a wealthy family in Hyde Park, New York, in 1882. He attended Harvard University and Columbia Law School before beginning a career in politics. He served as a New York state senator from 1910 to 1913, and later as Assistant Secretary of the Navy under President Woodrow Wilson.

In 1921, at the age of 39, FDR was struck by polio, which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Despite this setback, he remained active in politics and was elected Governor of New York in 1928.

It was during the Great Depression, however, that FDR’s leadership would truly shine. When he took office in 1933, the country was in the midst of the worst economic crisis in its history. Millions of Americans were out of work, banks were failing, and confidence in the government was at an all-time low.

FDR responded to the crisis with a bold and ambitious plan to revitalize the economy, which he called the New Deal. The New Deal included a range of programs and policies designed to provide relief to the unemployed, stimulate economic growth, and reform the financial system.

One of the most famous New Deal programs was the Civilian Conservation Corps, which provided jobs to young men in conservation and reforestation projects. Other programs included the Agricultural Adjustment Act, which sought to stabilize crop prices and support farmers, and the National Industrial Recovery Act, which established codes of fair competition for businesses.

FDR’s New Deal was not without its critics, who argued that it represented an unwarranted expansion of federal power and an infringement on individual liberties. But for many Americans, especially those who were struggling to make ends meet during the Depression, FDR’s bold leadership and willingness to take decisive action were a source of hope and inspiration.

FDR was also a key figure in American foreign policy during World War II. When the war broke out in Europe in 1939, he declared that the United States would remain neutral. But after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, he led the country into the war with a resolve and determination that would help turn the tide against the Axis powers.

FDR was instrumental in building the alliance with the Soviet Union and the United Kingdom, which would eventually lead to victory in Europe. He also played a key role in the development of the atomic bomb, which would be used to end the war in the Pacific.

Despite his many accomplishments, FDR was not without his flaws. Critics have accused him of overreaching in his use of executive power, and of turning a blind eye to human rights abuses committed by the Soviet Union during the war. But his legacy remains one of visionary leadership and bold action in the face of crisis.

FDR’s famous quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” has become a rallying cry for leaders in times of crisis. It reflects his belief that the American people had the strength and resilience to overcome even the most daunting challenges, and that with the right leadership and the right policies, anything was possible.

Today, as the United States faces new challenges, from economic inequality to political polarization to climate change, FDR’s legacy remains a source of inspiration and guidance. His commitment to bold action in the face of crisis, his belief in the power of government to make a positive difference in people’s lives, and his unwavering faith in the American people, continue to resonate with us today.

How do teachers distinguish what was written by a student or by the bot? By the same token, having a bot help in other contexts, such as planning a schedule or working up a travel itinerary can be a huge help. ChatGPT, launched this past November, can analyze content from a wide range of information on the internet and then create original content. But is it always correct information? Will the bot take jobs from humans? Or will it merely offer a baseline of information upon which humans can then add more nuanced input?

Stay tuned.

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METRO photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

A dear friend of mine just celebrated her 65th birthday this week, and she regards it as a significant number. “How did I get here so fast?” she asks. She also recognizes that she is getting older. That might even be a little scary.

Yes, she is now covered by Medicare. This is both an asset and a shock. When she looks at her new Medicare card, she wonders how this could be. Is she really now eligible for Medicare? Her grandmother was on Medicare, surely not her. But there is her name; the reality is undeniable.

“Well,” she silently acknowledges, “it’s good to have that coverage.” But the sight still stings a bit.

Part of her response is the awareness that she is aging, that she has entered the first phase of the three-part delineation of older age. There is the young-older, from 65-75; then the middle-older, from 75-85; and the third segment, 85-95. Whoever decides and names these demographic groupings seems to have been unable to imagine any group beyond that point. Maybe it should be called “The Beyond Expectations Group.”

With her new realization comes a vow to concentrate on her health and to make the ensuing years hardy ones. She has vowed to pay more attention to her diet, to make better choices concerning what she eats. More fruits and veggies are in store. But no amount of blueberries and kale can eliminate aging. She has now followed through with her long-held intention to work with a trainer. And she is getting a new mattress to help her sleep better.

My friend is doing something helpful for herself. She is turning concerns of aging and the rapid passing of time into better health actions so as to control how she wants to age. Life for her will no longer be just on automatic pilot.

Although there are more older people in America than ever before, aging is fearful for 87% of the population, according to a survey of those turning 65 conducted by Pfizer. It’s called FOGO — fear of getting old.

Why are people afraid of getting old?

There are a number of reasons. Aging can diminish employment prospects. It is a given that older employees earn more than younger newcomers, and while it is illegal to discriminate by age, we all know that such bias exists. It is no wonder, then, that plastic surgeons do face-lifts to combat wrinkles and laugh lines, adjust sagging necks and erase any other evidence of aging. And it is not only women who undergo such procedures. Many men feel the need to blunt evidence of having lived into and past middle age.

People fear losses: of physical ability, of their good looks, of sufficient finances, of memory, of loved ones and consequently of being lonely, and even of their health shortly to be burdened with chronic diseases. Underlying all this is the fear of losing independence.

Interestingly, only 10% in the survey said they were afraid of dying.

Other cultures respect and may even venerate older members of society. Aging can bring people an enhanced sense of gratitude, a calmer demeanor, an awareness of what is truly important, greater ability to resolve conflicts and even an inclination toward forgiveness. Elders are assumed to have accumulated some wisdom just from more years of living and are respected for that.

Of one thing, my friend is sure. When we consider milestones, it seems like the time between them is little more than the blink of an eye. She clearly remembers the details of her Sweet 16 party, the fun of turning 21, her graduation from law school and now suddenly, to be in the Final Frontier is one swift stroke of time after the other. Blink and you are 65. And along comes the recognition that the future is no longer assured.

My friend does not want to go quietly into older age.

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TBR News Media publisher Leah Dunaief meeting the 39th U.S. president, Jimmy Carter, at the White House in 1978. Photo from Leah Dunaief

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

This President’s Day saw two presidents much in the news, Joe Biden for his clandestine trip to Kyiv, and our 39th president, Jimmy Carter, for entering hospice care. Carter, who at 98 years old is the oldest former chief executive of the United States, signaled the end of his repeated hospital stays.

I had the honor of being invited to an out-of-town press conference at the White House during President Carter’s one term, and of course, the memory will always remain with me. It was my first of several such invitations, and I smile when I compare my Carter and subsequent Ronald Reagan visits. 

The year was 1978, the country was recovering slowly from severe stagflation, and everyone was watching their expenditures. Hence, it was not surprising that when lunch came in the middle of the event, it consisted of a boxed meal that we balanced on our laps in the Oval Office. In the box were two half sandwiches, one of cheese, the other of tuna salad. There was also a hard-boiled egg, accompanied by a small salt packet, an apple and a cookie. I confess to such high excitement that I don’t remember how the food tasted, just that I held the egg in one hand and sprinkled salt on it with the other. I do recall thinking then that I was experiencing one of the most amazing moments of my life at the same time that I was doing this most mundane action of salting my egg.

Carter talked about the economy, suggesting an optimistic view for the coming year, among other issues, and then we got up, formed a single line and moved toward him to shake hands for perhaps a three-second intro and photograph we could all carry back with us for the front page of our newspapers. I was toward the back of the line, and the photographer stood to the side, snapping away, as I drew closer to the most powerful man in the world. 

I tried hard to come up with something more to say than my name and where I was from. Then I remembered. His sister, Ruth Carter Stapleton, had recently visited Stony Brook to speak about her Baptist evangelism, and rather than telling him my name, I mentioned covering that.

“Isn’t Ruth wonderful!” Carter exclaimed in his soft drawl as his Caribbean blue eyes widened with pleasure. He then proceeded to talk about her for at least two full minutes, how proud of her he was, as I noted that he was not much taller than I and that his hands were rough.

My visit, a couple of years later, to the Reagan White House for a similar event included a sit-down luncheon of lightly breaded veal served on French china and accompanied by a smooth red wine from France. And Reagan, much taller than I, told me as he shook my hand that he liked my red dress.

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METRO photo

By Leah S. Dunaief

Leah Dunaief

Nearly 40% of United States adults are single, which is up from 29% in 1990. Now, I’ve been married, and I’ve been single. My husband died just three months before we would have marked our 25th wedding anniversary and right around when the number of singles was so much lower. Next Friday would have been our 60th anniversary, but instead, I have been single for 35 years, so I know a little about both.

I was intrigued by an article in Time magazine that spoke about being single, asserting that about one-half of all singles aren’t interested in dating or a relationship and were happily single. This is quite a change from when I was newly alone. In the early 90s, single women were at best often ignored, and at worst, stigmatized and even preyed upon. All but the closest friends disappeared, and being the odd number for a reservation in a restaurant was a decided obstacle to being included.  I don’t think single men had it all that easy, either. While single men were often invited to gatherings, as opposed to single women, there might have been some doubt about their sexuality. Heterosexuality, as evidenced by marriage then, was the norm.

Today, according to Time, the solo life is thought of as authentic, fulfilling, meaningful and psychologically rich. I have found that to be true as the years have gone by, but what a total shift in popular perspective. The marriage rate has been decreasing for decades, as has the birth rate, and the age at which marriage finally may occur, if at all, is later in life for many.

How has this happened?

For one thing, marriage is no longer considered necessary for having a family or assuring financial comfort. Someone like Alexander Hamilton, who was tortured throughout his life for being a bastard child of an unwed mother, would not recognize today’s values and would certainly have had an easier time of it. 

While people in relationships may enjoy greater satisfaction, being married doesn’t guarantee happiness, as in, “They lived happily ever after.” There are people unhappy and even lonely in marriage, although with the decline in marriage, there has also been less divorce. Research shows that people in unhappy marriages have equal or worse health compared to those who never married.

Those who are single as a result of divorce seem to have the most difficult time, according to Time. Widowhood can also be associated with poor mental health, as grief can lead to depression and loneliness. But many of us cherish our freedom, independence, even our creativity and nonconformity, again according to Time, and I wholeheartedly agree. 

There was a time when people, especially women, felt they had to have a man in order to define themselves and their position in society. A woman often was the one who sought financial security, while a man wanted a woman on his arm. Today, with the ability to earn a living, sometimes quite an excellent living, women don’t feel the same pressure to marry, nor do their mothers in urging them.

Singles have more time for themselves. They can focus on goals without having to consider the needs of someone else. There is also more time for spending on hobbies and self-care. This is especially true for younger women and for those who consider sex outside of committed relationships. That, of course, doesn’t preclude interest in a romantic relationship, which some enjoy.

As Time points out, being alone is not the same as being lonely. We singles often have strong ties to our families, to friends and to our neighborhoods. We can be actively involved in community organizations, have a sense of purpose and are generally self-sufficient.

We have to be.

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