A face at war with itself

If parts of the body could talk, I wonder what they’d say. To that end, I imagined the following dialogue among mostly facial features.

Teeth: Hey, look at me. Something’s changed. You’re going to like it.

Ears: What? You’re talking again? Seriously. Can’t you give it a rest, just for a few moments? Here’s a news flash: You don’t have to eat crunchy food all the time. How about eating something soft once in a while?

Teeth: Crunchy food tastes good.

Tongue: Yes, but the ears have a point. That crunchy stuff scratches me.

Eyes: Keep it down. I’m surfing the net and you’re distracting me.

Nose: Oh, how wonderful. You get to look for stuff all day long, while I’m sitting here waiting for Eileen to share perfume that smells like flowers.

Ears: So, you like Eileen?

Nose: No, but she smells a lot better than we do. Our armpits leave something to be desired at the end of the day. It’s amazing we’re still married.

Armpit: You wouldn’t smell so great either if you got damp every time the stress level started to rise. Besides, with all that running, nose, I’d think you’d be in better shape.

Nose: Is that supposed to be funny?

Armpit: I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault. Maybe my stress would be lower if the eyes didn’t spend so much time reading about politics.

Teeth: Wait, guys. Come on, I want to tell you something. You’re going to like it.

Ears: Oh, please. Are you going to tell us that you have a few more thoughts you’d like to share about a way to smile so we look better in selfies? Forget it. Haven’t you heard? Your daughter said you’re incapable of taking a good selfie. She’s probably right. Selfie’s were made for people much younger than we are. They’re a tool to even out the generational power struggle.

Cheeks: We’re as young as we feel, right?

Eyes: Have you looked in the mirror lately? Cheeks, you’re showing our age.

Cheeks: Wait, what’s wrong with me?

Eyes: Nothing’s wrong. It’s just that gravity seems to have caught up with you.

Chin: Gravity, that’s funny.

Eyes: You haven’t looked in the mirror either, have you chin?

Chin: Why?

Eyes: Are you trying to clone yourself?

Nose: Ignore them, cheeks and chin. They’re just jealous.

Eyes: Jealous? What? Let’s just say that the new hairs coming out of you, my little nose friend, aren’t winning admirers.

Nose: Hairs? Where?

Ears: Can we keep it down? I’m trying to enjoy the few moments of silence before the phone rings or
someone else has to share thoughts about a better way to do something.

Eyes: We noticed the extra hairs growing on you, too, ears.

Ears: You’re in a bad mood today, eyes. What’s wrong?

Eyes: Nothing.

Teeth: No, you can tell us.

Eyes: I need to wear close glasses for the computer and distance glasses for driving. I hate having two pairs and it takes me a minute to adjust.

Nose: Tell me about it. The computer glasses are pinching me.

Ears: Yeah, and they’re irritating me, too.

Teeth: Come on. I have something to say.

Ears; Of course you do. That’s all you do. Blah, blah, blah. Would it hurt you to listen?

Teeth: I am part of the mouth, you know. That’s what I do.

Ears: Yes, but silence can be good for all of us, you know?

Eyes: OK, tell us this important news that you’re so eager to share.

Teeth: After all these years, my teeth are straight. See? My smile isn’t crooked anymore.

Eyes: Let me see.

Teeth: Aah.

Eyes: Hmm, they are straighter. What do you know? Now, what can you do about your breath?